A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

• We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
• The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
• You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
• We find your choice of hair style perplexing
• Squeaky shoes
• Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
• Your actually smarter than the rest of us
• Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
• You don’t know how to swim
• Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
• The big boss finds you creepy
• Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
• Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.