“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

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The Next Time You Get Roped (Guilted) Into Being Nominated For (& Accepting) “The Shine On Award” Make Sure You Read The Teleprompter And Stick Your “Prepared” Acceptance Speech

 
You WON! TADA!

You WON! TADA!

Its official, you blogging bloggers have officially blogged your way into my social networking consciousness. The ever so brilliant mind (or minds) behind Bumblepuppies Has taken it upon themselves to Honor (more like pester) me (here is the nomination The Shine On Award Insults My Intelligence ) with “The Shine On Award”. I am supposed share 7 things you don’t know about me and then further Nominate (obligate) other bloggers so the award is more like the song that never ends.

Here goes:

#1. I am a metal head, born and raised. I firmly believe I am the few, if not the only teenager who would come home and ask my mom to turn down her loud music instead of the other way around.

#2. I studied (for only a year) at a bible college (back in the late 80’s) to be a full time minister. I finally came to the conclusion that being a minister as my full time career choice or occupation was not my calling. I did some street preaching on the streets of New York City, have preached several sermons, and even was the speaker (preacher?) at my great aunts Funeral. I learned some impromptu illusions (that illustrate the gospel) from the street preaching group, designed my own illusions (based on years and years of being interested in and practicing stage magic) and do a gospel magic act as “Mike The Magician” when I get a chance to perform.

#3. Magic Johnson is NOT my dad. I know this comes as a big shock, but Maury Povich did the DNA test, there was a fight between Stevie Wonder and Randy Macho Man savage and the once viral youtube video of the whole event was pulled after receiving a cease and diciest order from the estate of Claus Von Bulow

#4. Video killed the Radio star. Its true, tragic and the FBI still has a wanted poster, and a warrant out the capture and arrest for Video

#5. I am NOT the cats pajamas. I may be the cats feeder, poop scooper, personal furniture to lay on, bringer of mysterious silver cans that food appears from but I am certainly not the pajamas

#6. I think my wife is a mime. She wears black leotards, pretends she’s trapped in a big glass box all the time, and refuses to talk about it

#7. Both a Chia pet and a goldfish died under my care back in the 90’s. There is still a ongoing investigation behind the matter

Now here is my chance to further Nominate (obligate) other Bloggers. They super fantastic blogs and if you feel otherwise I will have no choice except to challenge you to a watermelon seed spitting contest.

I Don’t Get It A really cool blog written by a really cool person. I love the pictures and images she finds and posts. Here is the latest article/blog (as of this date) posted: Total Yodel Recall

The Dim Wit Diary I just recently discovered this blogger. He’s a dimwit, and I am a weirdo so I guess weirdo’s and dimwits are so much alike (but not totally) that we gravitate to the same strange universe. Here is the latest blog:
Facebook odds and ends volume two

Lifebeyondexaggeration
A Truly awesome blog that is so much worth the read. The crazy real adventures will truly stun and amaze you. Here is the latest entry:
U Turn

StrawberryQuickSand This awesome Aussie tells such great stories that an American bloke like me feels like I just went on a trip around the world every time I read an entry like this one:
Will You Go Out With Me To A Beach Boys Concert

The Jogging Dad He’s a dad, he jogs, he blogs. Jogging and running is not my thing, but I like the fact he’s a dad who makes the time to jog and blog (normally not at the same time). He has a great positive perspective despite all those invisible zombies chasing him (why else would you run?). Here is latest running blog: One Day On A Treadmill

Ben’s Bitter Blog Bitter disappointment, loneliness, desperation, anxiety, and bitter bitter sarcasm awaits just a click away. If you hate happy sappy plastic flaky smiley people then Ben has the right bitter pill for you to take:
Bitter Apathetic Lazy Telekenetic Pictures Or Bitter Pictures Of The Week

Kevin Hellriegel’s Blog Of Worthless Advice Despite the fact Kevin has a restraining order against me from ever darkening his corner of World Of Warcraft ever again. I personally feel there are no real hard feelings (on my part at least) about the fake troll under the bridge incident and when I am really in need of the absolute worst, worthless, and truly useless advise I contact my attorney and read Kevin’s blog anyway:
How To Keep The Inmates Happy Teaching Your Children Good Manners

Next time you save the universe make sure you know how to google reverse sku search, diagnose hardware and software issues, and make a step by step electronics fix it book for your wife

What's in my Computer Bits Bag

What’s in my Computer Bits Bag (Photo credit: Nick J Adams)

Oh the joy of being a geeky, tech nerd from planet X (the planet insists on remaining unknown for its own protection). It has its ups and downs. On the plus side I do know my way around computers, digital watches ( who needs to wear a watch any more?), remote controls, hard drives, mouses, printers, software, HTML coding, wireless networks, wireless routers, google searching, and most electronic things and gadgets.

On the down side when your friends and family members slowly begin to figure out your a wiz at most to anything technology related you then become the designated Nerd-A-Lert tech support. My computer is broke! How do I tell my DVR to play the dolby digital sound sound signal instead of the analog signal? How do I stream Netflix to my TV? How do I post this picture from another website to facebook? How do I get my VCR to stop flashing 12:00?? (first get rid of the VCR and get yourself a blue ray player to start with) The questions never seem to end.

My hands down favorite story is when a friend of mine was looking a light bulb. Now mind you, this was no ordinary light bulb. He owns a business that has security lighting (the kind you would see in a parking lot) and that security lighting uses special bulbs you just cant go to the store or even Lowes to just pick up. His daughter (who ran the business for him) brought the box the bulb came in in an effort to help track down where exactly you can get a hold of this elusive/exotic bulb. Because my friend rubs elbows with other rich business big shots (he hates it that I call him that) he was actually on the phone with another rich business big shot who does a lot of major industrial electrical business asking him of all people where he might be able to get a replacement bulb. I calmly asked my friend (while he was still on the phone) if the box on the table was the box the bulb came in, asked if I could go into his “computer room” to use the computer. Approximately 2 to 3 minutes later (using a google SKU reverse search technique I can’t explain to you) I yelled out from the computer room: “Hey dude! Is this what your looking for?” pointing at a picture of bulb being sold through a specialty online retailer. The only down side to this story is now my friend expects me to solve every technical problem he has (I love you guy but I am going to have to start to charge for my services).

Then there is my lovely bride (gosh I love her so much). She stays at home when I go to work and she MUST (and I do mean must) have her cable TV to help her keep entertained while I am away (heck knows I provide enough entertainment when I am at home). She calls me now and then when the power goes out (& back on) and makes the DVR go crazy. Its then my geeky hubby duty to diagnose and resolve the entertainment to DVR to TV issues she is having. If you have ever seen a grown man speak in sweet low tech easy to understand terms while pounding his head on the nearest wall you just might have seen me without realizing it. I swear I am going to make a step by step book (with visuals) just for my sweat heart for when this happens.

Next time you apply and interview for a job make sure you learn to read minds

I have a wonderful job. I have a wonderful job with a good company, I actually enjoy what I do and I feel like I get treated very well where I work. Seriously, yes I know I should just pinch myself, count my blessing and call it day. In a economy where just having a job alone is a commodity and there are thousands among thousands of people working stupid jobs for stupid people for long stupid hours for seriously stupid pay I fully do realize I have won the lottery in the career department.

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Despite all of this I know there is more out there for me. When I say more I don’t really mean more than what I already have. I mean I know there are departments within the company (fortunately for me I work for a extremely large corporation with jobs and positions all over the world) I already work for that would better suit the hours and possibly even career interests that I want.

I currently do call center work and have been doing so for 18 years. My voice, humor, attention to detail, love for connecting with people, and ability to multitask have been my bread and butter for quite a while. For my current employer I will be celebrating my 2 year anniversary in august. Through the encouragement of my team leader/supervisor I decided to start looking around internally for positions that may better fit the hours I would much rather have along with a (hopefully) better fit to my career goals.

Believe it or not despite the fact call center work has been my bread butter for a long time it doesn’t necessarily mean its what I would much rather be doing. So I took my supervisors advice and started to look. When you work for a large global corporation like I do its amazing, mind numbing, and almost hilarious the (what seems like) zillions of positions, position titles (just what exactly does a “Operation data mining specialist” do? And how did it get that title?) and descriptions that flooded my computer screen.

Since I currently have no interest in working in foreign countries (foreign to the United States Of America that is) I refined my search query to the local area where I live and have actually interviewed for 3 positions. Its been a cathartic experience trying to explain what I currently do (although they have a basic idea), what a typical day is like for me, and just how?? those skills, activities, attributes, ect do really (no really I swear) fit into what they are looking for. Its like trying to read their minds on what exactly it is they value, are looking for, and trying to figure out what exact maze they expect you to master before they give you access to the cheese. (did some one say cheese?)

During one interview with a lady in a department in the same building I work at acted like she was trying to talk me out of the position. She made it very clear the position was very demanding, I would have to keep my calls within a certain time frame, and make absolutely certain I code/disposition/memo the call/inquiry correctly. I knew for a fact I was up for the challenge but she seemed to have her mind made up. Because I come from a customer service department where we have a tendency to take a little more time on the phone with the customers to make sure all their inquiries/needs are met I would not be able to adjust to the tighter time constraints. Lets just say there was no surprise when I received the dreaded “thanks but no thanks” internal email.

At least she “Interviewed” (or at least pretended to) me to give me the no thanks. I have been submitting applications and cover letters left and right. I even got a no thanks without even a interview from my company’s social media/twitter team (NO seriously I could not believe they had one either). I am still not sure what skills/talents/whatever they deem as worthy for this team. They obviously don’t have any clue that computers/technology/ and the internet are my playground and that I am all the map in this area.

The inconvenience of convenience

English: The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Mem...

English: The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Memphis, Tennessee. The first self service grocery store, opened 1916. Français : Le premier supermarché Piggly Wiggly ouvert en 1916 à Memphis, Tennessee (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What exactly has this world come to? I sat in front of my television and saw a commercial about a reality show where “old people” had to school younger people on how to use a paper map. Really?? has your smart phone made you that dumb? Yes I know your tempted to do origami or draw a huge X with crossbones and maybe a lovely topless mermaid. Been there, done that, fold section C and match it to sub section H, no wait that’s the end page to a Mad Magazine never mind.

I finally decide to get up and run some errands. We need some milk, orange juice (I prefer not to call it OJ ever since the real OJ went on a killing spree and led a parade down the LA freeway in a white bronco) and some toilet paper. Seems simple enough. I make my way to the grocery store, but before I full on commit to that task I need to put some gas into the car. I pull up, get out, and now I have to find my fuel discount barcode encrusted thingy hanging off my key chain. Henry’s garage & oil change? No I haven’t been to Eureka in such a long time.. .. mega movie rental?.. really?? do I still have that??.. Bab’s and Narcolepsy book store?, no.. Cardmart for when you want to send the very best alien greetings? no.. ah! Here it is! My Waltman, krogic, eagle, aldonic, hershy, savings & loan, fish market, grocery, mega sports, Indian casino, and fresh food market savings pass! (a light shines down from the police helicopter flying over head)

I step up to the gas pump and Ahhhhh!!! its talking to me! Holy crap! Its a commercial on a monitor in a cage bolted to the top of the pump. Really?? don’t I have enough commercials to contend with? Oh the irony, the talking head inside the cage on the monitor is talking about security. Maybe if I look away the talking head will leave me the heck alone.

Now comes the Indian Casino part. Now that I have taken the time to find my savings pass how much is it going to save me? Big money.. big money.. big money.. NO whammies!.. oh crap! 3 cents a gallon just for all of that? Now the talking head has changed and can message you the picture of the windshield technician straight to your phone. Um..creepy and no thanks.. just out of curiosity though if he messes up my windshield do I get to send a blurred out picture of a rude hand gesture back? Sure, it’s okay for you to have my personal info so you can send me more marketing and spam but I can’t have yours? Fail!

Finally its grocery store time. I have to steer clear of the girl scouts, cub scouts, honey ham mongers, burglar alarm sales geeks, old ladies selling flowers, old guys selling hats and flags, and one suspicious looking greasy bald guy selling what looks like old car parts. No thanks, no thanks, no thanks, gave at the bank, give me a break, outa my way baldy! Finally! I am inside! The angles sing! No wait.. that’s the local high school choir hitting me up for a donation..dang it! Sample lady, sample lady, overly friendly “shopping helper” , kid in a kart, kid in a kart, hot mom.. wait.. hot mom?.. hmmmm… I am sorry what was I doing again? Ms. Let me show you my cleavage distracted me (and that doesn’t take much) when bending over to put her pop into her kid infused kart. My wedding ring reaches up and smacks me back to the task on hand.

Milk, milk, lemonade, hey! Look the bakery where fudge is made! (homer impression) mmmmmmmmmm… fudge. I got milk, where’s the OJ? Oh shoot! I just called it OJ. White bronco, white bronco, misfitting glove section, knives, ah! Orange Juice! Tada! Oh crap.. its hot mom’s sister Ms Tattoo on cleavage and tramp stamp so that there is no safe place to rest your eyes is up ahead. Must avert kart to baby section and birth control section that will scare her off. Whew! I have never been so glad to see an older lady in orthopedic hose in my life. I am not sure what she’s doing in the baby section and I don’t have time for a round of 20 questions with Ms granny nanny here.

Toilet paper! Ah it was the next aisle over. Now I can make my way to the check out. Now here is where it gets really interesting: I have to jockey back and forth trying to choose which lane I can hopefully get through the fastest without having to have an obligatory awkward conversation with the grocery buying party in front or back of me. Oh Look! Its secret agent polo shirt person! You can tell he/she works there because of the matching dockers and polo shirt. They are secret agents because when not talking to you they are always talking into the hands free earpiece thingamabobs. A suggestion is made to use the self check out station.

Welcome! Ahhhh!! its talking to me also! Make it stop. Savings card thing again? Holy crap using this thing to save 3 cents a gallon is getting to be a chore. Beep! Scanned electronic dirt bag! “please put the item in the bag!” its in the bag douche bag!.. its just not on your stamp sized weight sensory whatever you call it. Oh geesh now secret agent polo shirt person has to either put in the NASA launch code or some kind of lets just get along code. “Please put the item in the bag” (clenches fist) “do you have any coupons?” are your serious?? “please take your receipt, your items and have a nice day” sure easy for you to say.

I finally get home with the items I intended and my wife says: “what took you so long?” I put items away, go into bedroom and promptly scream into a pillow.