“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

Why being a Skeptic is good for YOU

Asking questions, lots of questions, poking holes in popular notions, being a complete pest, refusing to leave your brain at the door, reserving the right to be the constant doubting Thomas are actually good things.

It means you insist on being engaged, spoken to, and NOT being spoken at. Trust me if you have ever been spoken at instead of being spoken to you know what I am talking about.

During a rah-rah sales pitch, sales marketing, this is the money you can make session I once had before taking on the task of selling expensive vacuum cleaners to the open public the tactic used during the session seemed to involve blowing the potential sales people minds by flashing numbers at them.

Numbers are nice, unless I am battling them by trying to bend them to my will just so I can pay a utility bill. Numbers can be motivating and help someone possibly visualize amounts in their favor they may have never thought be possible for them.

I don’t mind using numbers to gain the perked interest of others. A good example is Chuckie, who is part of my marketing team. He is averaging 300.00 a week with only 3 months of effort as a investment of time and effort. Sounds great to me because Chuckie certainly deserves the income and I am happy to hear he is doing well and is on his way to creating a very nice passive residual income.

What bothers me is when numbers are the ONLY thing being used. I am a person! Not a calculator! If your selling something, or marketing something please try to remind yourself there are real people out there with real problems and real dreams attached to that wallet your trying so hard to open.

A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

• We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
• The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
• You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
• We find your choice of hair style perplexing
• Squeaky shoes
• Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
• Your actually smarter than the rest of us
• Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
• You don’t know how to swim
• Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
• The big boss finds you creepy
• Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
• Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.  

Money Cat

Help control the evil money cat population. Have your Ceramic Possessed cat spayed or neutered

Money Cat’s (sometimes called lucky cats, fortune cat, happy cat) are those freaky ceramic (I’m confused here, are they Japanese? Or Chinese?) battery operated pawing (Wikipedia claims its a beckoning motion) cats you see at the front counter when picking up your Chinese food. Am I the only one who fully expects a throw back buddy comedy-action movie starring Mel Gibson/Danny Glover? Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson? Woody Allen/Estelle Getty? When you say or read the very words: “Money Cat”?

Plain, and simple these things just freak me out to no end. Wikipedia may indeed be convinced that they are “beckoning” good fortune but I always make sure I have had my latest tetanus shot when I am any where near them. Who is to say ceramic battery operated (may possibly be possessed) kitty does not have metal Freddy Krueger claws? (Down cat! Down! I just want my sweet & sour chicken and egg rolls!)

AWWW.. Hello Kitty!

Evil money cat could learn a thing or two from “Hello Kitty”. Now, there is a cat who is cute, welcoming, and apparently has more money than Barbie has dream houses. She’s everywhere, not just relocated to Chinese restaurants.

I want to rock and roll all night and Hello Kitty everyday

Kiss (the rock group, not the form of public affection) Hello Kitty? Yes..

Dr. Dre only wishes his headphones were this cool

Hello Kitty bling headphones? Yes.. Hello Kitty the flame thrower? Well.. ok there are scientists who are still working on that. So it just makes more sense to me that if your goal is to lure good fortune, money, and good luck your direction than you would want good fortune, money, good luck, and potential customers to say: “Hello Kitty!” and not want to run out in a panic.

Thank God I’m a confused City Boy (who lives in the country)

The Cows Think my minivan is sexy

I was born, raised, and lived most of my life in a major metropolitan area. City boy is a good term and I am not sure at this point whether its something I need to be apologetic about or not. All I know is because I have lived “Up North” most of my life. Have had only a little exposure to farms, cows, hay, pick-up trucks (never owned or operated one in my life), living “Down South”, or in the “country”.

My lovely bride and I recently moved to the Southern portion of our great nation within the last month. I was fully warned (and then some) by my sister of the culture shock I may possibly experience. The pace is slower (unless your driving then you better pick up the speed or get ran over) and so is the speech pattern of most folk (I feel that’s an appropriate term). People like to talk to you randomly, are actually friendly, out going and this freaks out most of us city people who are convinced they are up to something (I personally blame movies like “Children Of The Corn” for this phenomenon).

We have highways, freeways, and outer-belts in the city. They are highly congested with cars, car exhaust, painfully slow little old men in hats (with their left blinker on), slow little old women (with their right blinker on), speed demon morons, four wheel snow driving pin heads, plenty of head aches and Road rage. They have “highways” (only because of the comparison I use the term loosely) in the country. They are certainly not as congested, have a tendency to have more cows, farms, men (and women) in overall’s, and a lot less Star Bucks, CVS’s, Fast food places, gas stations, and Mega-Big box stores every five feet.

My drive to work is more scenic now. I have less cars, people, and urban blight to gaze upon and more of God’s beauty. The stuff that confuses me is when I am driving (what my city saturated mind would consider) down a “country” road and then find a speed bump. Don’t ask me why my obviously snooty britches mind would not expect country folk to want to protect their school age (or otherwise) children (or crazy uncle Ed.. Bless his heart) from being plowed over by (well.. a plow) a John Deer tractor or Pick up truck going a bazillion miles and hour. My sister also blew my mind by telling me they have a transport service that actually can be arranged for the elderly, or disabled. So again I find myself feeling pretty crappy that I obviously am assuming that sunshine just got pumped down here. Pardon me folk’s, I am truly am a cityiot.

What I learned from “The Wolverine”

When you loose your will to live you grow a crazy looking beard. when you have a crazy looking beard you look like a crazy homeless guy. When you look like a crazy homeless guy your best friend is a grizzly bear. When your best friend is a grizzly bear you wind up smelling like salmon poop. Don’t wind up smelling like salmon poop, Get Direct TV and don’t loose your will to live.

Obviously being hairy, grumpy, a rage-aholic, and being “dreamy” (my wife’s words not mine) can only be pulled off by Hugh Jackman

Wolverine claws Vs Samurai sword: Claws win.

Wolverine claws Vs Large Adamantium robot: Tie (sort of)

Japanese girl + Katana + Bullet train = awesome

There is a 2 mutant minimum per movie

What the H? Wolverine survived the H bomb in 1944 Nagasaki Japan and he didn’t even say what the H?

Wil Wheaton is NOT a mutant

Wil Wheaton is NOT human

Wil Wheaton is NOT in this movie

$4.00 is too much to pay for chocolate covered raisins

Every time I go to the theater and the staff is tuxedo garb I always feel under dressed

Say What?

Mel Blanc in 1976 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like voices, accents, and have a bit of a interest in how people sound. Cartoon characters and their crazy voices really perked my interest even further. I remember growing up and seeing an American Express commercial with Mel Blanc. He was doing all my favorite Looney Tunes characters, and it just blew my mind when I finally realized he was responsible for giving life and voice to each and every one of the Looney Tune characters. Add the fact that call center work and my own voice has been my bread and butter for 18 years now I finally took the hint at being told the umpteenth time that I have a “radio voice” and have tried (emphasis on tried) my hand at doing some voice over acting.

I found this interesting video that dramatizes what people speaking English sound like to those who don’t. Being a amateur comedian I have done my share of “Fake accents” and somewhat convincing southern, British, French?, and assorted other accents and voices. I also have included “Crazy Commercials” voiced, and produced by me. (aka Midnight Pizza Productions) All the voices in “Crazy Commercials” are done by me. I hope you enjoy you blogging bloggers.. have a great day and don’t forget to leave a comment. 🙂

The Next Time You Get Roped (Guilted) Into Being Nominated For (& Accepting) “The Shine On Award” Make Sure You Read The Teleprompter And Stick Your “Prepared” Acceptance Speech

 

You WON! TADA!

Its official, you blogging bloggers have officially blogged your way into my social networking consciousness. The ever so brilliant mind (or minds) behind Bumblepuppies Has taken it upon themselves to Honor (more like pester) me (here is the nomination The Shine On Award Insults My Intelligence ) with “The Shine On Award”. I am supposed share 7 things you don’t know about me and then further Nominate (obligate) other bloggers so the award is more like the song that never ends.

Here goes:

#1. I am a metal head, born and raised. I firmly believe I am the few, if not the only teenager who would come home and ask my mom to turn down her loud music instead of the other way around.

#2. I studied (for only a year) at a bible college (back in the late 80’s) to be a full time minister. I finally came to the conclusion that being a minister as my full time career choice or occupation was not my calling. I did some street preaching on the streets of New York City, have preached several sermons, and even was the speaker (preacher?) at my great aunts Funeral. I learned some impromptu illusions (that illustrate the gospel) from the street preaching group, designed my own illusions (based on years and years of being interested in and practicing stage magic) and do a gospel magic act as “Mike The Magician” when I get a chance to perform.

#3. Magic Johnson is NOT my dad. I know this comes as a big shock, but Maury Povich did the DNA test, there was a fight between Stevie Wonder and Randy Macho Man savage and the once viral youtube video of the whole event was pulled after receiving a cease and diciest order from the estate of Claus Von Bulow

#4. Video killed the Radio star. Its true, tragic and the FBI still has a wanted poster, and a warrant out the capture and arrest for Video

#5. I am NOT the cats pajamas. I may be the cats feeder, poop scooper, personal furniture to lay on, bringer of mysterious silver cans that food appears from but I am certainly not the pajamas

#6. I think my wife is a mime. She wears black leotards, pretends she’s trapped in a big glass box all the time, and refuses to talk about it

#7. Both a Chia pet and a goldfish died under my care back in the 90’s. There is still a ongoing investigation behind the matter

Now here is my chance to further Nominate (obligate) other Bloggers. They super fantastic blogs and if you feel otherwise I will have no choice except to challenge you to a watermelon seed spitting contest.

I Don’t Get It A really cool blog written by a really cool person. I love the pictures and images she finds and posts. Here is the latest article/blog (as of this date) posted: Total Yodel Recall

The Dim Wit Diary I just recently discovered this blogger. He’s a dimwit, and I am a weirdo so I guess weirdo’s and dimwits are so much alike (but not totally) that we gravitate to the same strange universe. Here is the latest blog:
Facebook odds and ends volume two

Lifebeyondexaggeration
A Truly awesome blog that is so much worth the read. The crazy real adventures will truly stun and amaze you. Here is the latest entry:
U Turn

StrawberryQuickSand This awesome Aussie tells such great stories that an American bloke like me feels like I just went on a trip around the world every time I read an entry like this one:
Will You Go Out With Me To A Beach Boys Concert

The Jogging Dad He’s a dad, he jogs, he blogs. Jogging and running is not my thing, but I like the fact he’s a dad who makes the time to jog and blog (normally not at the same time). He has a great positive perspective despite all those invisible zombies chasing him (why else would you run?). Here is latest running blog: One Day On A Treadmill

Ben’s Bitter Blog Bitter disappointment, loneliness, desperation, anxiety, and bitter bitter sarcasm awaits just a click away. If you hate happy sappy plastic flaky smiley people then Ben has the right bitter pill for you to take:
Bitter Apathetic Lazy Telekenetic Pictures Or Bitter Pictures Of The Week

Kevin Hellriegel’s Blog Of Worthless Advice Despite the fact Kevin has a restraining order against me from ever darkening his corner of World Of Warcraft ever again. I personally feel there are no real hard feelings (on my part at least) about the fake troll under the bridge incident and when I am really in need of the absolute worst, worthless, and truly useless advise I contact my attorney and read Kevin’s blog anyway:
How To Keep The Inmates Happy Teaching Your Children Good Manners

My blog morning

I work a later shift (for now), so eat your heart out while your driving to work in the early holy crap time of the morning I am still sleeping. I have been up and down from bed a few times but I just “officially” got up at 11am.

This is one of the mornings I am glad I am not at work early. The very large corporation I have mentioned in another of my blogs is having some higher up muckity mucks visiting the building. Its always the same dog and pony show no matter how many company’s I have worked for. Clean your work area, tidy up, and oh yeah can you hide the zombie? That last one was a real request for me. I keep a small collection of action figures at my cubicle. The Zombie does have guts (made out of rubber!.. and yes I sometimes play with it) hanging out so I actually do understand that gross looking zombies with their guts hanging out is NOT everyone’s cup of tea.

Trust me, I have a complete understanding of how fortunate I am I work for a Company even allows me to have my zombie friend at my work place in the first place. The Company I work for is more well known for being button down conservative so I try not to make too many waves. Now and then I do like to see I can push the envelope just a little. Lately mother nature decided my newest hair color: gray. Not all gray (yet) but just a swoosh in the front. In the past I took my chances and have dyed my hair dark red(ish) to dark purple. No one said boo, and I both amazed and happy my employer has seem to except my unique sense of self expression. I also occasionally wear loud shirts. The official dress code says the shirts worn must have a collar, and they indeed do. I was told when I was training that since my loud shirts are really loud that they would be frowned upon in such a conservative environment. I guessed I proved them wrong.

By the time I get to work I doubt if there will be any muckity mucks still there. They may, but normally if you dress really sharp to try to impress your wasting your time. When there is a visit like this everyone acts if the visitors will be coming to each and every cubicle or work space and personally inspect it. Now you know, no matter how clean, tidy, and organized everything looks the people who are playing host will only allow the guests to “tour” an “approved” route and would never in a million years show them the real underbelly (annnnnd this is where we dump all of our trash!) of the building.

Despite the fact I will most likely NOT have any encounter with the visitors I will behave myself and make certain I do not wear one of my loud shirts (although I would really like to).