Toasters need Love too

A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )

Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.

Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.

If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:

  • Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant

  • Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned

  • GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction

  • Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s

  • Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been

  • Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting

  • Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea

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Tuesdays with the Toaster

Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.

Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.

Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.

I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??

What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

  • We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
  • The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
  • You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
  • We find your choice of hair style perplexing
  • Squeaky shoes
  • Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
  • Your actually smarter than the rest of us
  • Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
  • You don’t know how to swim
  • Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
  • The big boss finds you creepy
  • Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
  • Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.  

Give us a (awkward) hug

Hug Steve

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Is it me? Or is there a younger, hipper, less emotionally damaged generation who is hell bent on hugging? Now mind you, I am not stating for the record that I am against hugs. They are great!… but only from a select few people I actually would like to receive one from. The approved hug list pretty much revolves family and close friends. Even then there are exceptions to the rules I have put in place as to who exactly I will and wont hug. Complete strangers are not totally of the question (like say: Sofía Vergara can hug me anytime she wants) it just has to go through my very complicated application process.

Don’t even get me started on “group hugs”. UGH no thanks, I would much rather be bitten by a Vampire covered in leaches being half eaten by a zombie killer shark from another planet. Then there is the completely random, UN-announced, so not expected hug. Yes it has happened to me, and can I say? I am not so much of a fan. Fist bump? Heck yeah! (and make it explode on the way out) hand shake? Yes! (I welcome a firm hand shake) but hugging is just something completely personal, in my personal space, and needs approval. (I will send you a application form to fill out)

A friend, and Pastor of mine is a hugger. I learned real quick to be hugged with our without my permission. I love God, and I love you sir, but can I just give you a handshake? Or a high five? At this point I want to invent a hug proof vest. (unless you are Sofía Vergara)

Skip the guilt, pass the mash-potatoes please

It’s the same thing every year. To the point where I truly have a love-hate relationship with my television and the programming it gives me. My wife and I don’t have any children so I guess having both internet and TV is like having kids (in a way). One minute your so disappointed in them (BAD! TV & INTERNET! BAD!) that you swear your going to kick them permanently out of your home, and next thing you know they bring you (where I actually mean me in this case) kittens, puppies, science fiction, and absolutely no signs of Miley Ray Cyrus twerking while smoking pot.

Local news and the demented newscasters who appear on TV are the absolute worst. Anyone who has to look good on camera, be heavyhearted because of today’s fresh hell of tragedies, then in a blink of an eye brighten up with a story of a penguin who is using its body to shelter homeless seal pups who ‘s mommy and daddy died has to have some personality and mental issues.

Once again, right on time the demented newscasters start with the “eating with moderation”, holiday diet, turkey can kill you, why mash-potatoes are dangerous, cranberry’s are really terrorists, gravy causes cancer, dressing is really an alien ploy to take over your mind, please please let us find every reason in the world for you to feel guilty for actually enjoying a meal with your loved ones (if you can).

Let’s just say we skip the guilt, and pass the mash-potatoes please. Not everybody has a home, not everybody has family to be with, and some even have to spend thanksgiving in the hospital, in prison, in another country defending your freedom to watch football or 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”. Let’s just be thankful for what blessings we have and remember despite all the efforts your momma’s sweet potato pie may be making to clog your arteries that there is always someone who is going through something you could never imagine.

Its not over until the Fluffy person sings

Its the Candy Cops Charlie Brown!

Its the Candy Cops Charlie Brown!

A North Dakota woman says she’s giving out letters to children she believes are obese when they come to her door this Halloween. Bah Halloween hum bug lady. Who died and made you “candy cop”?!? Even if such thing as “candy cop” really existed Jean-Claude Van Damme would be much better as a time traveling Department Of Sugar Land Security agent with the mission to finally get the left and right twixt to reunite forces against overzealous nutritionists bent on making making everything taste like plaster board coated with paste.

I personally hate the terms “Fat”, “Obese” and don’t even get close to me with the term “Morbidly Obese”. Maybe it’s just me, but I can honestly feel the hate, neglect, lack of compassion and understanding just steaming off of them like a industrial complex happily chugging cancer causing smoke/exhaust into the air. I prefer the term “Fluffy”. Yes I am fluffy and I owe no one any apology of any kind for being so. I don’t need your well meaning advise, I don’t need a lecture on vegetables (how do you know I don’t eat vegetables? A salad? ), and I even though I am used to being called “Big Guy” I honestly think people really to think more about what they say before they say it.

Yes, I am quite aware that our nation is getting more overweight, but I am sorry this certainly does not give the media the right to do their obligatory fluffy mid section and posterior camera angles they are famous doing when doing a news story trying to convince everyone that fluffy people are ruining the world as we know it.

Larger airplane seats with arm rests that come up to give you even more room? Theater seats with arm rests that also lift and have cup holders? The return of the Twinkie and the raspberry zinger? Sugary cereal commercials with fully grown adults? The brilliant comedic shenanigans of John Candy? Jackie Gleason? Melissa McCarthy? Billy Gardell? Gabriel Iglesias? Ralphy May? Bruce Bruce? John Pinette? Ect? Your welcome skinny people, your welcome.