Give us a (awkward) hug

Hug Steve

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Is it me? Or is there a younger, hipper, less emotionally damaged generation who is hell bent on hugging? Now mind you, I am not stating for the record that I am against hugs. They are great!… but only from a select few people I actually would like to receive one from. The approved hug list pretty much revolves family and close friends. Even then there are exceptions to the rules I have put in place as to who exactly I will and wont hug. Complete strangers are not totally of the question (like say: Sofía Vergara can hug me anytime she wants) it just has to go through my very complicated application process.

Don’t even get me started on “group hugs”. UGH no thanks, I would much rather be bitten by a Vampire covered in leaches being half eaten by a zombie killer shark from another planet. Then there is the completely random, UN-announced, so not expected hug. Yes it has happened to me, and can I say? I am not so much of a fan. Fist bump? Heck yeah! (and make it explode on the way out) hand shake? Yes! (I welcome a firm hand shake) but hugging is just something completely personal, in my personal space, and needs approval. (I will send you a application form to fill out)

A friend, and Pastor of mine is a hugger. I learned real quick to be hugged with our without my permission. I love God, and I love you sir, but can I just give you a handshake? Or a high five? At this point I want to invent a hug proof vest. (unless you are Sofía Vergara)

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Skip the guilt, pass the mash-potatoes please

It’s the same thing every year. To the point where I truly have a love-hate relationship with my television and the programming it gives me. My wife and I don’t have any children so I guess having both internet and TV is like having kids (in a way). One minute your so disappointed in them (BAD! TV & INTERNET! BAD!) that you swear your going to kick them permanently out of your home, and next thing you know they bring you (where I actually mean me in this case) kittens, puppies, science fiction, and absolutely no signs of Miley Ray Cyrus twerking while smoking pot.

Local news and the demented newscasters who appear on TV are the absolute worst. Anyone who has to look good on camera, be heavyhearted because of today’s fresh hell of tragedies, then in a blink of an eye brighten up with a story of a penguin who is using its body to shelter homeless seal pups who ‘s mommy and daddy died has to have some personality and mental issues.

Once again, right on time the demented newscasters start with the “eating with moderation”, holiday diet, turkey can kill you, why mash-potatoes are dangerous, cranberry’s are really terrorists, gravy causes cancer, dressing is really an alien ploy to take over your mind, please please let us find every reason in the world for you to feel guilty for actually enjoying a meal with your loved ones (if you can).

Let’s just say we skip the guilt, and pass the mash-potatoes please. Not everybody has a home, not everybody has family to be with, and some even have to spend thanksgiving in the hospital, in prison, in another country defending your freedom to watch football or 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”. Let’s just be thankful for what blessings we have and remember despite all the efforts your momma’s sweet potato pie may be making to clog your arteries that there is always someone who is going through something you could never imagine.

Money Cat

Help control the evil money cat population. Have your Ceramic Possessed cat spayed or neutered

Help control the evil money cat population. Have your Ceramic Possessed cat spayed or neutered

Money Cat’s (sometimes called lucky cats, fortune cat, happy cat) are those freaky ceramic (I’m confused here, are they Japanese? Or Chinese?) battery operated pawing (Wikipedia claims its a beckoning motion) cats you see at the front counter when picking up your Chinese food. Am I the only one who fully expects a throw back buddy comedy-action movie starring Mel Gibson/Danny Glover? Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson? Woody Allen/Estelle Getty? When you say or read the very words: “Money Cat”?

Plain, and simple these things just freak me out to no end. Wikipedia may indeed be convinced that they are “beckoning” good fortune but I always make sure I have had my latest tetanus shot when I am any where near them. Who is to say ceramic battery operated (may possibly be possessed) kitty does not have metal Freddy Krueger claws? (Down cat! Down! I just want my sweet & sour chicken and egg rolls!)

AWWW.. Hello Kitty!

AWWW.. Hello Kitty!

Evil money cat could learn a thing or two from “Hello Kitty”. Now, there is a cat who is cute, welcoming, and apparently has more money than Barbie has dream houses. She’s everywhere, not just relocated to Chinese restaurants.

I want to rock and roll all night and Hello Kitty everyday

I want to rock and roll all night and Hello Kitty everyday

Kiss (the rock group, not the form of public affection) Hello Kitty? Yes..

Dr. Dre only wishes his headphones were this cool

Dr. Dre only wishes his headphones were this cool

Hello Kitty bling headphones? Yes.. Hello Kitty the flame thrower? Well.. ok there are scientists who are still working on that. So it just makes more sense to me that if your goal is to lure good fortune, money, and good luck your direction than you would want good fortune, money, good luck, and potential customers to say: “Hello Kitty!” and not want to run out in a panic.

The Macho Man Vs The Sensitive Circus Clown

macho_man_randy_savage

One of my favorite bloggers touched on what exactly makes a man.. well manly? I have always rejected the square peg meets round hole stereo types, and notions. Mostly because I am willing to openly admit I don’t meet most of the what I personally feel are stupid notions. Men are tough, men don’t cry, men like being sweaty and dirty, men eat coal and crap diamonds, men are hunters, men hate hugging, men don’t show their feelings, men love fast cars and loose women, men wear beards (with no real offense meant to the real cast) and look like the cast of Duck Dynasty. The completely ridiculous Macho Man Randy Savage list goes on and on. Give me a break!

My older brother I feel certainly fits the bill of what I personally term a “Mans man”. He hunts, he owns and operates guns, he wears a lot of camouflage, rides a motorcycle, is moody, broody, and is more prone to punch you in the face or give you a hearty fist bump rather than give you a hug (just think of the uber-male that you see portrayed in a beer commercial and you get the idea) . Me on the other hand, I am not any of that at all. I (big surprise here) am more prone to be the sensitive hugging joker creative artistic clown who loves pretty flowers, puppy’s, and is easily distracted by laser lights and shiny objects. I love to wear colorful clothes, make my own accessories (necklaces, wrist bands), I am sorta obsessive about my clothes and how they match, have dyed my hair several colors, and yes I am thoroughly heterosexual without question because lets just say there are certain parts of the female anatomy that just send me into outer space.

This is not to say that I don’t have my moments as a typical guy (or husband). Even after being married for 25 years and knowing my wife for 30, I still have to remind myself that she really doesn’t want me to “fix” her problems (per say) but really just wants me to listen. Good luck ladies, guys are built to be builders, fixers, and problem solvers and anytime there is a chance to use tools, or duct tape we loose ourselves like a golden retriever looses itself over a tennis ball.

I guess my point here is to NEVER allow anyone, anywhere, for any reason try to pigeon hole you, control you, and tell you that you don’t fit the description of a Man or Woman. I tend not to trust public opinion because I never cared to do something just because “everyone is doing it”. In-fact, if anything I have always reserved the right to make my own mind at my own pace about my own life with no apologies for doing so. If you don’t like me or the way I do things then that is your problem not mine.

And then The Jabberwocky took over

Life: never mind being handed lemons and being expected to make lemonade. I prefer to see life as a test of how well you would make it as a circus clown being shot out of a completely ridiculous circus cannon that is more capable of shooting confetti, cream pies, and sparkly poodles than say: clowns.

God is most certainly is a comedian and the joke is is on me, you and your uncle Ed. I am a huge Looney Tune cartoon fan and there are these older ones that are produced by Tex Avery that just blow my freaking mind. Cartoon world is crazy enough as it is (I personally recommend Sponge Bob as a reference), but when Tex Avery took over all bets were off. Tex made absolutely certain you strapped yourself in because the ride was going to be like no other. My theory here is that Tex must have felt the same way about how nutty, crazy, and out of control life can be.

We have the nerve to honestly believe that a car ride across the desert is only and exactly that: a drive across the desert. Hey buddy! (smacks face to wake desert driver up) watch out for the anvils made by Acme! And yes, if you look carefully they are indeed being dropped in your path by a cartoon Coyote. Tunnel up a head? Great! That means that the fresh paint on the side of the rock stuck and the damage to your desert driving vehicle is NOT covered by car insurance provider X. (it is however covered by ACME insurance and you had no idea to opt into the Fake Tunnel damage waiver) Feet planted firmly on the ground? Future’s so bright you gotta wear shades? Don’t look now some rascally rabbit just painted a hole beneath you! Hope you packed a parachute! Its a looooooong way down.

The point I am trying to make here is life is a joke. The quicker you figure that out and start packing your seltzer bottle, anvil catapult, fake tunnel paint remover, black paint hole maker, carry a gun that shoots a flag that says: BANG!, and learn to set your mind to a place where circus cannons that have shown absolutely no ability to shoot anything heavier than a marshmallow will INDEED shoot your ***** pound body across the room then your trip is doomed.

Pardon me, I am expected to be shot out next. I certainly hope the cream pie I am diving into is blueberry, Its my favorite.

tex1

Apparently people seem to prefer their leaders (and monsters/aliens) spitting, snarling, yelling, and in dire need of deep psychotherapy.

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

:Warning may contain nerdy references to nerdy stuff :

Oh hello Leonidas, leader of the 300 (spit included) !SPARTA! Half naked (gosh that must be cold) warriors. You have a visitor from the Persian empire. I have heard of being kicked to the curb but do you have a habit kicking all your UN-welcomed guests into a well??

Spider Man’s dead uncle says with great power comes great responsibility. If you missed him saying it at least 3 times in the original Tobey Maguire version the people at Marvel Comics and Disney (who owns Marvel) were kind enough to repeat the phrase again a few more times in the next movie (again with Tobey Maguire).

What good old (and dead) Uncle Ben forget to mention was people (separately and in groups) seem to take you more seriously if your yelling, screaming, spitting, snarling, and have veins popping out of your neck and head. In other words all the stress anxiety filled behavior your cardiologist warned you against.

I have drawing, doodling, painting, coloring and creating for as long as I can remember. I have a online art gallery, and actually have shown some of my art work at a few local gallery’s. Most of my subject matter is inspired by comic books, aliens, monsters, and robots (big surprise huh?). My mom asked me one time why 90% of the aliens and monsters I draw are spitting and snarling. Well Gee mom, friendly monsters and aliens are a nice idea and such with the whole saving the world, kumbaya people holding hands, figuring old cold fusion, tree hugging, xenomorph sole kissing happiness and everything but spitting, snarling monsters and aliens with anger management issues are just plain cool.

Lets just be honest for a moment, your watching your favorite sports team. If the your team is stinking up whatever playing field they play on, do you really want the coach to give everyone on the team a hug, call them over for “soul palates”, have them hold hands and click their heels, burn scented candles, or sing a 80’s big hair power ballad to them on a karaoke machine? Absolutely NOT! You seriously expect the coach to yell, scream, look like he’s about to pop his top, spit, snarl, and yell loving hatred at them. The visit to the cardiologist and psychotherapist can wait for now, we have points to get on the board to get. Bragging rights at church and work are hanging in the balance here dang it.

Peter Parker (and Tobey Macguire) was a nice guy dork who got bullied, Spider Man was a nice guy dork with great powers (you say the rest I can’t take it any more), but Venom was Spider Man’s darker alien infused, spitting, snarling, cooler anger management weirdo doppelganger self. People paid attention to him, he was stinky, nasty, and would have made a great sports coach, half naked warrior leader, and a great candidate for psychotherapy. He will just have wait in line with Bobby Night, The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Charlie Sheen, Leather Face, The predator, The Terminator, and Sam Kinison.

Please don’t eat the Evil Daisies

English: Gordon MacRae and Doris Day in Starli...

English: Gordon MacRae and Doris Day in Starlift, taken from the film’s trailer. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ever wonder out loud, to yourself, inside a dryer, on top of a whirligig, while eating a sausage pizza, while flying like Superman in your underwear what it would be like if super syrupy saccharine sweet happy sappy chirpy people were Evil?

Doris Day always played a super sappy “girl/woman/mom” next door. She was flighty, flirty, happy, and sappy. Ugh.. enough Doris we know you secretly wanted to unleash your special brand of flying monkeys, evil human eating carp, zombie apocalypse deadly hamsters, devil with a blue dress, blue dress on.

Katie Couric is no help. I am honestly starting to believe that she may indeed be Doris Day’s love child. Please don’t check Katie’s age or even remotely expect my theory to be true. I base my theories on sitcom plot themes not facts. Katie is really super secretly Evil or she’s real proof that there really is a village of the damned somewhere.

Mr Rogers freaked me out even when I was a kid. He just was NOT based on any reality I was even remotely familiar with. A cardigan clad guy who talked to puppets, played with trains, and had (lets just admit it and get some therapy) a weird relationship with the postman who came to his house. Gee.. I don’t know, nothing Evil or weird going on there. Oh look! He was secretly working on a ice making laser beam that could have frozen the earth for 2 million years and turned every one into a mindless pet rock.

I blame People eating Evil daises.. Please Don t eat the Evil Daises