“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

Fly me to the moon

Toasters need Love too

A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )

Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.

Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.

If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:

• Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant

• Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned

• GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction

• Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s

• Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been

• Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting

• Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea

Ancient Incan curse Corrupts computers, action figures, and pet Gerbils

Omaha Nebraska: What was once a quite Cul-de-sac has now become a major international news epicenter. News vans, satellite dishes, camera’s, broadcasting equipment, and TV newscasters speaking into microphones as far as the eye can see. According to eye witness testimony, a badly drawn sketch made by a blind homeless man, and a very blurry video made by a nanny cam The Smith family may be the first owners of a Generation IV computer cursed by the Ancient Inca’s.

Computer virus experts from around the globe have also gathered together in agreement that there has never been any computer virus or “curse” seen like it. Priest’s, shaman’s, witch doctors, used car salesmen, accident Injury lawyers, the cast of “Full House”, and a Guy named Bob who lives in the Vatican have also been called by local authorities for suggestions on not only how the curse may have started but also how to stop the curse on other potentially corrupted/cursed computers.

Head of the Smith household Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3^rd has stated that the trouble began at 3:14 am which is a significant because Computer nerds (experts) consider this time frame to be the “Technology witching Hour”. They claim it not only invokes the power of pie but it is reportedly known as the typical time most technology breaks down, is infected, or has a blue screen of death. Mr. Smith states that he woke up from sleeping to go to the bathroom and noticed a eerie green glow and “weird looking Breaking Bad meth type smoke” coming from his son’s room as he passed by in the hall way.

As Mr. Smith entered his son’s room he claims the Generation IV computer they just had just purchased merely days before was flashing/displaying what can only be described as a ancient Incan text warning to the Smith Family of Impending Doom. Mr. Smith also claims random JPG’s of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Imelda Marcos, Claus von Bülow, and Sponge Bob Square Pants were displayed along the side of the text.

Obviously alarmed Mr. Smith made the attempt to wake his son up by yelling: “Luke! Get up!” to which his son did not respond, becoming even more alarmed because the family gerbil started to speak a combination of Vulcan, Klingon, and an ancient Incan language, and his son’s (toys) action figures started to come to life . Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3^rd finally yelled: “Luke! I am your Father!…. get up!” and the 2 were able to escape their home without any harm coming to them.

A Computer, weird objects, Yahtzee paranormal Hazmat team was called to contain, and destroy the Generation IV computer and the curse that was attached to it. As the team exited the house they were quoted to say: “We came! We Saw! We kicked it’s ass!”

Those who may have recently purchased a Generation IV computer are being urged to:

• Wave the Vulcan salute in a clockwise circular motion while carefully approaching their computer

• Make toast with Jelly and to cut the crust

• Watch an episode of “The Rockford Files” while reading “The Hobbit”

• Pour a circle of salt around the computer

• Do the mocharaina backwards while wearing Stiletto’s

• Take the Pepsi challenge

• Dig a 9 foot hole in your back yard

• Assemble all Avengers

• Make Jello Pudding (any flavor)

• Dance the Fandango

• Invite Brian Seacrest to your next party

• Bury your Generation IV computer in the hole you dug

• Dial: 8675309 and say: “Its Done”

All potentially affected parties are being reassured that by following the steps they can prevent any and all Impending Doom, Incan Curses, Gerbil or action figure being possessed by Evil.

So when exactly do I get to pick out my “Old Man Outfit”??

I turned 50 last year, I am looking 51 dead in the eye in six more months. It has me worried. The reason why is based on trips to Walmart, any grocery store, the hardware store, The DMV, Doctors offices, and just pumping gas into my minivan. While I am at any location really there is a growing number of people growing old. A lot of these older people (older than me I am pointing out here) are men. The majority of them have somehow, in someway have decided to wear (with very slight variations) the same outfit. Its as if there is a store that caters to grumpiness, never ending stories of working on their car, garage, boat, cabinets, memories of war, and the last pork chop they ate. 

The outfits seem to consist of: jeans, coveralls, work pants (if you say dockers they will slap you for being a sissy), a dress shirt (normally plaid, printed in some manly fashion without looking to frilly), suspenders (seems to be a MUST HAVE item) a belt (I guess the suspenders are a back up just in case the belt goes out or visa-versa), and a hat. 

The hat seems to open to interpretation just as long it does not have fruit on top of  and is completely void of a bow or ribbon included. Baseball cap seems to be a nice popular choice just as long as you wear it like a real man and stop trying to look like a rap artist, or someone with a mental problem.  What is inscribed/written on the baseball hat seems to be important also. Letting people know your a war veteran and that you were Killing people in foreign lands while they were still nursing will get you some serious nursing home Cred. 

Bowlers, Pork Pie hats(Think Walter White from Breaking Bad), Fedora’s, and even Richard Petty style cowboy hats can be acceptable wear. If your stuck in traffic behind a slow moving vehicle chances are good the driver is a old man in a hat (or he left his hat at home).

What confuses me is 1. when exactly did these legions of old men decide to start wearing the same outfit? And 2. Now that I am getting older am I required to follow suit? When exactly do I start turning the garden hose on the neighbors kids?, Complain about the meatloaf at the local cafeteria?, start smelling like I poured a entire bottle of Old Spice on myself?, Have a handshake that feels like Solid Rock?, tell stories of the car I put back together with nothing more than a piece of wire and a can of WD40?, threaten to put my foot up someones wazoo?, smack people on the back of the head just for being a dumb ass? The questions never end.

Its always an honor to be nominated for an award trophy statue medallion on a Gold Chain that will collect dust

Award Season: The Grammy’s, the whammy’s, the double whammy’s, the slammy’s, the Oscars, the Fred’s, Benny’s, Tony’s, SAG awards, Saggy awards, Baggy Pants awards, people choice awards, people hated this awards, The Emmy’s, The kimmy’s, and world wide wrestling championship have a lot in common:

 

They like themselves a lot, they suck all the oxygen known to man, (and other intelligent beings)  insist you care about who was nominated, barrage you with who wore what, who flubbed their acceptance speech, who did what, what happened when, and take up precious TV channel space and time  where a reasonably not so old episode of Matlock could have been aired. I mean C’mon! How am I supposed to find out if indeed Matlock can successfully defend Mrs. Doubtfire against charges of stealing The First Baptist’s Church’s Pastor’s wifes hat?? 

All Red Carpets DO NOT lead somewhere wonderful. Miley, Bieber, Kanye,  Chris Brown, and who knows next will make certain of that. As if the Red Carpet was not already littered with the jagged metal and broken glass of Paparazzi, Fashion trolls, Talking heads, twitter ninja’s, Instagram Warriors,   and what ever manner of fresh hell can be found along the way.

Here’s an idea: How about we celebrate nurses, Firefighters, Police Officers, EMT personnel, Food Pantry volunteers, Child protective Service workers, Teachers, Humane society helpers, Soldiers, and real people who made real contributions to the world being a better place?? Such a celebration and award show would certainly be a billion times more worthy of our attention, TV time, twitter feeds, and media attention.

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

• We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
• The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
• You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
• We find your choice of hair style perplexing
• Squeaky shoes
• Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
• Your actually smarter than the rest of us
• Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
• You don’t know how to swim
• Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
• The big boss finds you creepy
• Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
• Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.  

Stephen Hawking Sues White Rabbit for Worm/Rabbit hole technology

 

I will Rabbit Hole you!

 

United States circuit court 96 Wallaby Washington

The year was 1988, Stephen Hawking writes, and publishes the now ground breaking book “A Brief History Of Time”. Containing some of the most mind bending concepts about physics, black holes, and worm holes the world has ever seen before.

According to the narrative Mr. Hawking’s league of attorneys has laid down. There is a distinct time line and specific scientific correlation between Mr. Hawking’s published findings, thoughts, and postulations and the technology recently publicly published behind White Rabbit Industries proprietary “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.

For several decades “Rabbit Hole In A Can” has been a staple in every toy store, in every child’s room, and every politicians list of tricks to hide the truth. The mystery of how and why it worked was one it’s most enduring qualities. House wife’s, soccer mom’s, grade school teachers, Day care workers, and playground supervisors alike loved the ability to make small, troublesome children temporarily “disappear” for hours on end using the quirky can of magic.

Recently because of the recent pressure from the Open source community, and a clandestine meeting between the White Rabbit himself and non other than Julian Assange Rabbit Industries decided to publicly publish the technology behind “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.

The jury is still out both metaphorically and literally speaking as to if indeed “Rabbit Hole In A Can” is based on, echo’s, or even blatantly rips off The intellectual property of Mr. Hawking. One thing is for sure though, the “Rabbit Hole made my homework disappear” excuse may be in jeopardy in the classroom.

Elf Gate 2013

From left to right: Snidely Whiplash, Dudley Do-Right, Nell Fenwick & Horse, bring Senator Whiplash to Justice

Washington DC.

Going into the 6^th laborious day of testimony, the Senate panel investigation has come to a head into what is being coined by many as “Elf Gate”.

Emotions have run high as the carefully chosen panel of Senators have questioned, grilled, and blatantly accused the “Elf On The Shelf” of spying, being a traitor, engaging in terrorist activities, being an enemy of The United States Of America, and being a cold war north pole sympathizer. 

It all started a year ago when Senator Snidely Whiplash decided to take a Christmas break on his “war on common sense”. He and his band of sour faced cronies collectively agreed that shutting down all cinnamon roll bakeries, deflating all helium balloons, removing all toys from “Toys R Us”, disfiguring all pictures of Grover the muppet, and drawing silly (that remarkably look like the handle bar mustache Snidely wears) mustaches on Injury Lawyer billboards was enough for one years worth of work. 

Snidely had never really given this whole “peace on earth, good will towards Men” malarkey a chance before, so he decided to go full out commercial Christmas. He bought a tree, decorations, a plastic Santa for his lawn, lights, garland, a wreath for his door, and of course a “Elf on the shelf” for his mantle. Confused and exasperated by the millions of pictures on the internet as to the proper placing, posing, and location for the “Elf on the shelf” Snidely decided to purchase 2 million of the sitting, pondering, and watching Elf’s so he can place and position them like he had seen. 

According to a unconfirmed source (who claims to be part of Snidley’s house staff ) the 2 million Elf’s had just been a bridge too far for Snidely. What started out as playful banter with the Elf’s, jovial ho-ho-hoing around the house, and “interpretative dancing” in a tight black leotard in front of a unsecured laptop webcam quickly turned into a viral video of that very same dancing with the “Harlem Shake” music in the background. Snidely was the buzz of every morning talk show, and the punch line of every late night show comedian.  

As the saying goes: Fury has no wrath like Snidely Whiplash caught twerking in black leotards with a “Elf on the shelf” strategically sitting on sensitive body areas. Flying into a rampage like never seen before department store Santa’s, Elf’s, dogs, grandmothers, Christmas shoppers, Lovers sharing a strand of spaghetti, Chinese checkers players, balloon animal clowns, magicians, hobo’s, and even random penguins found themselves with silly looking handle bar mustaches painted on their faces. 

Once Whiplash regained his composure he quickly put himself and his band of evil senators to work in a panel to investigate The “Elf on the shelf” which has led us to the current situation. In a surprising turn of events though it has been uncovered by investigative reporters that Senator Whiplash is being bankrolled by the likes of heat Miser, Cold Miser, and Burgermeister Meisterburger in what is now becoming an aparent self serving quest to “wag the dog” and get people to focus on anything else other than the 100 different video versions of his black leotard dancing that now have been made and viewed by millions. 

A new emergency panel has been put together by senator Do-Right including The power rangers, Santa, Buddy The Elf, The wonder twins, Harvey Birdman Attorney at large, and Bill Nye the science guy to look into the abuse of power and influence Senator Whiplash has used to grind a very personal axe. In the mean time all charges against the “Elf on the shelf” have been dropped and he has been told he is free to go.