“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

Tuesdays with the Toaster

Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.

Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.

Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.

I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??

Its always an honor to be nominated for an award trophy statue medallion on a Gold Chain that will collect dust

Award Season: The Grammy’s, the whammy’s, the double whammy’s, the slammy’s, the Oscars, the Fred’s, Benny’s, Tony’s, SAG awards, Saggy awards, Baggy Pants awards, people choice awards, people hated this awards, The Emmy’s, The kimmy’s, and world wide wrestling championship have a lot in common:

 

They like themselves a lot, they suck all the oxygen known to man, (and other intelligent beings)  insist you care about who was nominated, barrage you with who wore what, who flubbed their acceptance speech, who did what, what happened when, and take up precious TV channel space and time  where a reasonably not so old episode of Matlock could have been aired. I mean C’mon! How am I supposed to find out if indeed Matlock can successfully defend Mrs. Doubtfire against charges of stealing The First Baptist’s Church’s Pastor’s wifes hat?? 

All Red Carpets DO NOT lead somewhere wonderful. Miley, Bieber, Kanye,  Chris Brown, and who knows next will make certain of that. As if the Red Carpet was not already littered with the jagged metal and broken glass of Paparazzi, Fashion trolls, Talking heads, twitter ninja’s, Instagram Warriors,   and what ever manner of fresh hell can be found along the way.

Here’s an idea: How about we celebrate nurses, Firefighters, Police Officers, EMT personnel, Food Pantry volunteers, Child protective Service workers, Teachers, Humane society helpers, Soldiers, and real people who made real contributions to the world being a better place?? Such a celebration and award show would certainly be a billion times more worthy of our attention, TV time, twitter feeds, and media attention.

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

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Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

Do something Human now because the future is lousy with Robots

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Somewhere In Japan, China, Euro-Disney, Silicon Valley California, a un-disclosed Mythbusters bunker, and the lab of Howard Wolowitz, there is a sinister plot to make humans more like machines, and machines more human. 

Please count me fully annoyed because I have not trusted anything that even remotely looks, sounds, and even tastes (a story I don’t wish to share) like artificial intelligence since my buddy and I had the hair brained idea to allow our furby’s be in the same room at the same time. 

Furby’s learn what you teach them, then learn on their own, and if they are ever given the opportunity to be in the same vicinity of another furby, they speak furbish (yes this is real) to each other and then teach each other what they have learned. I can tell you the experience is eerie and that’s an understatement. It makes you feel like you need a old priest and young priest, and that not even an exorcism will be remotely helpful.

I just bought my first “smart” phone. Just how “smart” is it? Sure, I love the touch screen features, Gmail app, calendar, Twitter updates, camera, pocket knife, wine cork screw, and fingernail clipper but when I am looking at it, (constantly) is it in turn constantly watching me? A camera/video phone with internet features? Sounds suspicious to me, maybe we all owe Anthony wiener an apology and should be blaming the phone. 

Machines are everywhere anymore. Rumba wants to vacuum your floor and bug your house on behalf of the NSA. The grocery self check out wants to have a full out conversation with you, but seems to have a condescending tone that you bought those donuts. Get out of my face machine scan lady (who do they have such icy, snotty female voices?) I will buy yellow cupcakes and M&M’s at the same dang time and I don’t owe you any explanations.

Haley Joel Osment once portrayed a artificial intelligent Robot with a great future in artificially intelligent acne and robotic mood swings. It’s a good thing the younger Mr. Osment was already robot like it made watching the movie that much more horrible. 

While the rest of the world deposits checks by snapping pictures of them, and are watched by Skynet I think I will take my refuge at the airport and get a full body scan.

Calling all no name actors

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I recently read on the internet that Warner Brothers is wanting to do a remake/reboot of “The Island Of Dr. Moreau” . I quickly posted on Facebook that I would not mind a remake since the previous incarnations were lackluster at best. I personally feel a slick/dark “Contagion” meets “Jurassic Park” meets “The Walking Dead” horror/thriller that scares the crap out of audiences while keeping them on the edge of their seat would be a welcomed version of the H.G Wells classic. Unfortunately it seems the project is attached to Leonardo Dicaprio and Jennifer Davisson Killoran.

I say unfortunately because I have no idea if this means big names starring in a big lavish production that means well but misses the opportunity to really harness the potential unseen spooky/horror/thriller bite the project/movie could really have. Already I am scared its going to be a big trussed up boat going no where (need I remind everyone of the ham handed “Prometheus”??) because its being described as a Sci-Fi film with a topical ecological message. Ugh.. I already can see the save the earth, tree hugging everyone in the theater please hold hands and sing kumbaya overkill.

Not its not an important message to save the earth but I cant say enough how I would much rather see a movie that pulls on the same paranoia strings that Contagion and Jurassic Park does allowing the belief that this could really happen and its coming after you.. like now.

Can I point out to well meaning Hollywood studios that a lot can be learned from movies like “The Blair Witch Project”, The Original “Alien”, “The Descent”, “Night Of The Living Dead” and a gaggle of other movies that was made on a shoe string budget with no name actors? Sometimes less is more folks.

Apparently people seem to prefer their leaders (and monsters/aliens) spitting, snarling, yelling, and in dire need of deep psychotherapy.

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

:Warning may contain nerdy references to nerdy stuff :

Oh hello Leonidas, leader of the 300 (spit included) !SPARTA! Half naked (gosh that must be cold) warriors. You have a visitor from the Persian empire. I have heard of being kicked to the curb but do you have a habit kicking all your UN-welcomed guests into a well??

Spider Man’s dead uncle says with great power comes great responsibility. If you missed him saying it at least 3 times in the original Tobey Maguire version the people at Marvel Comics and Disney (who owns Marvel) were kind enough to repeat the phrase again a few more times in the next movie (again with Tobey Maguire).

What good old (and dead) Uncle Ben forget to mention was people (separately and in groups) seem to take you more seriously if your yelling, screaming, spitting, snarling, and have veins popping out of your neck and head. In other words all the stress anxiety filled behavior your cardiologist warned you against.

I have drawing, doodling, painting, coloring and creating for as long as I can remember. I have a online art gallery, and actually have shown some of my art work at a few local gallery’s. Most of my subject matter is inspired by comic books, aliens, monsters, and robots (big surprise huh?). My mom asked me one time why 90% of the aliens and monsters I draw are spitting and snarling. Well Gee mom, friendly monsters and aliens are a nice idea and such with the whole saving the world, kumbaya people holding hands, figuring old cold fusion, tree hugging, xenomorph sole kissing happiness and everything but spitting, snarling monsters and aliens with anger management issues are just plain cool.

Lets just be honest for a moment, your watching your favorite sports team. If the your team is stinking up whatever playing field they play on, do you really want the coach to give everyone on the team a hug, call them over for “soul palates”, have them hold hands and click their heels, burn scented candles, or sing a 80’s big hair power ballad to them on a karaoke machine? Absolutely NOT! You seriously expect the coach to yell, scream, look like he’s about to pop his top, spit, snarl, and yell loving hatred at them. The visit to the cardiologist and psychotherapist can wait for now, we have points to get on the board to get. Bragging rights at church and work are hanging in the balance here dang it.

Peter Parker (and Tobey Macguire) was a nice guy dork who got bullied, Spider Man was a nice guy dork with great powers (you say the rest I can’t take it any more), but Venom was Spider Man’s darker alien infused, spitting, snarling, cooler anger management weirdo doppelganger self. People paid attention to him, he was stinky, nasty, and would have made a great sports coach, half naked warrior leader, and a great candidate for psychotherapy. He will just have wait in line with Bobby Night, The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Charlie Sheen, Leather Face, The predator, The Terminator, and Sam Kinison.