Good morning! (Its morning here right now) what is your blood alchohol level? Not high enough? Mix a nice energy drink with something 100 proof and that may do the trick. Starbucks is for sissys and not being 3 sheets to the wind can be confusing for some people.
Quick! Act now! Drinks are on the house! Which (if I understand the saying correctly) implies they are free. What a jerk! What good are free drinks if I have to get a ladder and get them from on top of the house?
Drinking friend: I had such a great weekend! I totally blacked out and I don’t remember anything! Really? That’s considered a great time? Trying my best not to pass judgement here but I normally prefer to have the ability to recall why I had a great time.
Keep calm, have a good day, and have drink on me. (Just a saying you really can’t have a drink on me. Its weird and I prefer not to be used as a table)
A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )
Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.
Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.
If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:
Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant
Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned
GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction
Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s
Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been
Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting
Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea
Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.
Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.
Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.
I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??
Omaha Nebraska: What was once a quite Cul-de-sac has now become a major international news epicenter. News vans, satellite dishes, camera’s, broadcasting equipment, and TV newscasters speaking into microphones as far as the eye can see. According to eye witness testimony, a badly drawn sketch made by a blind homeless man, and a very blurry video made by a nanny cam The Smith family may be the first owners of a Generation IV computer cursed by the Ancient Inca’s.
Computer virus experts from around the globe have also gathered together in agreement that there has never been any computer virus or “curse” seen like it. Priest’s, shaman’s, witch doctors, used car salesmen, accident Injury lawyers, the cast of “Full House”, and a Guy named Bob who lives in the Vatican have also been called by local authorities for suggestions on not only how the curse may have started but also how to stop the curse on other potentially corrupted/cursed computers.
Head of the Smith household Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3rd has stated that the trouble began at 3:14 am which is a significant because Computer nerds (experts) consider this time frame to be the “Technology witching Hour”. They claim it not only invokes the power of pie but it is reportedly known as the typical time most technology breaks down, is infected, or has a blue screen of death. Mr. Smith states that he woke up from sleeping to go to the bathroom and noticed a eerie green glow and “weird looking Breaking Bad meth type smoke” coming from his son’s room as he passed by in the hall way.
As Mr. Smith entered his son’s room he claims the Generation IV computer they just had just purchased merely days before was flashing/displaying what can only be described as a ancient Incan text warning to the Smith Family of Impending Doom. Mr. Smith also claims random JPG’s of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Imelda Marcos, Claus von Bülow, and Sponge Bob Square Pants were displayed along the side of the text.
Obviously alarmed Mr. Smith made the attempt to wake his son up by yelling: “Luke! Get up!” to which his son did not respond, becoming even more alarmed because the family gerbil started to speak a combination of Vulcan, Klingon, and an ancient Incan language, and his son’s (toys) action figures started to come to life . Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3rd finally yelled: “Luke! I am your Father!…. get up!” and the 2 were able to escape their home without any harm coming to them.
A Computer, weird objects, Yahtzee paranormal Hazmat team was called to contain, and destroy the Generation IV computer and the curse that was attached to it. As the team exited the house they were quoted to say: “We came! We Saw! We kicked it’s ass!”
Those who may have recently purchased a Generation IV computer are being urged to:
Wave the Vulcan salute in a clockwise circular motion while carefully approaching their computer
Make toast with Jelly and to cut the crust
Watch an episode of “The Rockford Files” while reading “The Hobbit”
Pour a circle of salt around the computer
Do the mocharaina backwards while wearing Stiletto’s
Take the Pepsi challenge
Dig a 9 foot hole in your back yard
Assemble all Avengers
Make Jello Pudding (any flavor)
Dance the Fandango
Invite Brian Seacrest to your next party
Bury your Generation IV computer in the hole you dug
Dial: 8675309 and say: “Its Done”
All potentially affected parties are being reassured that by following the steps they can prevent any and all Impending Doom, Incan Curses, Gerbil or action figure being possessed by Evil.
Award Season: The Grammy’s, the whammy’s, the double whammy’s, the slammy’s, the Oscars, the Fred’s, Benny’s, Tony’s, SAG awards, Saggy awards, Baggy Pants awards, people choice awards, people hated this awards, The Emmy’s, The kimmy’s, and world wide wrestling championship have a lot in common:
They like themselves a lot, they suck all the oxygen known to man, (and other intelligent beings) insist you care about who was nominated, barrage you with who wore what, who flubbed their acceptance speech, who did what, what happened when, and take up precious TV channel space and time where a reasonably not so old episode of Matlock could have been aired. I mean C’mon! How am I supposed to find out if indeed Matlock can successfully defend Mrs. Doubtfire against charges of stealing The First Baptist’s Church’s Pastor’s wifes hat??
All Red Carpets DO NOT lead somewhere wonderful. Miley, Bieber, Kanye, Chris Brown, and who knows next will make certain of that. As if the Red Carpet was not already littered with the jagged metal and broken glass of Paparazzi, Fashion trolls, Talking heads, twitter ninja’s, Instagram Warriors, and what ever manner of fresh hell can be found along the way.
Here’s an idea: How about we celebrate nurses, Firefighters, Police Officers, EMT personnel, Food Pantry volunteers, Child protective Service workers, Teachers, Humane society helpers, Soldiers, and real people who made real contributions to the world being a better place?? Such a celebration and award show would certainly be a billion times more worthy of our attention, TV time, twitter feeds, and media attention.
Head HR Genius
Hamster Blam Technologies
5599 Hamster Wheel Drive
Hamster NV 98667
Mr. Barry Phelps
123 Fake Street
Fat Chance NV 98668
Dear Mr. Phelps
I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.
Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.
- We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
- The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
- You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
- We find your choice of hair style perplexing
- Squeaky shoes
- Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
- Your actually smarter than the rest of us
- Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
- You don’t know how to swim
- Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
- The big boss finds you creepy
- Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
- Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy
Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.