“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

  • We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
  • The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
  • You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
  • We find your choice of hair style perplexing
  • Squeaky shoes
  • Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
  • Your actually smarter than the rest of us
  • Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
  • You don’t know how to swim
  • Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
  • The big boss finds you creepy
  • Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
  • Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.  

Stephen Hawking Sues White Rabbit for Worm/Rabbit hole technology

 

I will Rabbit Hole you!

I will Rabbit Hole you!

 

United States circuit court 96 Wallaby Washington

The year was 1988, Stephen Hawking writes, and publishes the now ground breaking book “A Brief History Of Time”. Containing some of the most mind bending concepts about physics, black holes, and worm holes the world has ever seen before.

According to the narrative Mr. Hawking’s league of attorneys has laid down. There is a distinct time line and specific scientific correlation between Mr. Hawking’s published findings, thoughts, and postulations and the technology recently publicly published behind White Rabbit Industries proprietary “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.

For several decades “Rabbit Hole In A Can” has been a staple in every toy store, in every child’s room, and every politicians list of tricks to hide the truth. The mystery of how and why it worked was one it’s most enduring qualities. House wife’s, soccer mom’s, grade school teachers, Day care workers, and playground supervisors alike loved the ability to make small, troublesome children temporarily “disappear” for hours on end using the quirky can of magic.

Recently because of the recent pressure from the Open source community, and a clandestine meeting between the White Rabbit himself and non other than Julian Assange Rabbit Industries decided to publicly publish the technology behind “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.

The jury is still out both metaphorically and literally speaking as to if indeed “Rabbit Hole In A Can” is based on, echo’s, or even blatantly rips off The intellectual property of Mr. Hawking. One thing is for sure though, the “Rabbit Hole made my homework disappear” excuse may be in jeopardy in the classroom.