Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.
Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.
If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:
Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant
Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned
GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction
Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s
Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been
Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting
Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea
Act Now and in 38000 easy payments (that’s less than a cost of a cup of coffee folks) these scrubbing bubbles with activate the activated charcoal along with these scientifically proven moisture pockets residing within the patented vortex wind funnel cleaning wand.
That sure got your attention Huh? Wow that was exciting! I could just picture myself wet-dry cleaning an elephant and even the elephant’s wrinkles would be squeaky clean. Finally! Heck knows even elephants deserve clean wrinkles.
Everywhere I look it seems there are MADMEN creating brilliantly annoying advertising campaign’s just lousy with buzz phrases. (Or is that lousy advertising with annoying buzz phrases??) Only in commercials do we find out that Bounty is the quicker picker upper (I would hate to see it be the slower, I will get that tomorrow, non-picker downer), Gerber’s baby food has Comfort Proteins, Zip lock bags have snap and fresh seal technology, Fresh Step Cat Litter has activated freshness molecules, and further learn that it only takes wearing a lab coat and a buzz phrase and voila! I can convince you that super-duper smart scientists worked around the clock (with no bathroom break mind you) to create this thigamabob that makes your life complete.
I have some burning questions: Is secret really strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? And will a man blow up into a bazillion little pieces if he wears it any way? Is Irish Spring made in Ireland? Are the thoughts of a dead turkey wrapped in Reynolds wrap protected against Alien thought invasion? Are Colgate cleaning molecules treated differently at the local bar as opposed to regular molecules? Are flavor pockets related to Flavor Flav? (yeeeeeeeee boy) and just what exactly is dry weave technology?
I am beginning to suspect the writers who used to create the techno-babble heard in a Star Trek episode now make up buzz phrases heard in commercials. Maybe if I employ the interlocking viral blog packets then its slightly possible fiber optic cyber freshness seal molecules will dry weave a nice cardigan sweater for me.
The year was 1988, Stephen Hawking writes, and publishes the now ground breaking book “A Brief History Of Time”. Containing some of the most mind bending concepts about physics, black holes, and worm holes the world has ever seen before.
According to the narrative Mr. Hawking’s league of attorneys has laid down. There is a distinct time line and specific scientific correlation between Mr. Hawking’s published findings, thoughts, and postulations and the technology recently publicly published behind White Rabbit Industries proprietary “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.
For several decades “Rabbit Hole In A Can” has been a staple in every toy store, in every child’s room, and every politicians list of tricks to hide the truth. The mystery of how and why it worked was one it’s most enduring qualities. House wife’s, soccer mom’s, grade school teachers, Day care workers, and playground supervisors alike loved the ability to make small, troublesome children temporarily “disappear” for hours on end using the quirky can of magic.
Recently because of the recent pressure from the Open source community, and a clandestine meeting between the White Rabbit himself and non other than Julian Assange Rabbit Industries decided to publicly publish the technology behind “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.
The jury is still out both metaphorically and literally speaking as to if indeed “Rabbit Hole In A Can” is based on, echo’s, or even blatantly rips off The intellectual property of Mr. Hawking. One thing is for sure though, the “Rabbit Hole made my homework disappear” excuse may be in jeopardy in the classroom.