Hazah! have a drink on me!

keep-calm-and-have-a-drink-on-me-2

 

Good morning! (Its morning here right now) what is your blood alchohol level? Not high enough? Mix a nice energy drink with something 100 proof and that may do the trick. Starbucks is for sissys and not being 3 sheets to the wind can be confusing for some people.

Quick! Act now! Drinks are on the house! Which (if I understand the saying correctly) implies they are free. What a jerk! What good are free drinks if I have to get a ladder and get them from on top of the house?

Drinking friend: I had such a great weekend! I totally blacked out and I don’t remember anything! Really? That’s considered a great time? Trying my best not to pass judgement here but I normally prefer to have the ability to recall why I had a great time.

Keep calm, have a good day, and have drink on me. (Just a saying you really can’t have a drink on me. Its weird and I prefer not to be used as a table)

who’s smart now?

Quick! Picture someone smart in your mind after being given the following discriptions: Genius, Nobel peace prize worthy, Pulitzer prize contender (the Pulitzer prize committee has yet to return or answer my request for a prize), smart, & super smart.

If you pictured A nerd, Sheldon Cooper, Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, a world class chess champion, or one if those mathletes who make complicated spacetime algorythims look like child’s play then chances are you are not alone.

This is not to say these super smart people do not deserve to be pictured in our minds (or hearts) after being given such descriptions, I honestly believe though we need to expand our minds (and hearts) when considering who the really smart people are in the world and in our lives.

Personally I feel mom’s should top the list. Anyone who can multitask couponing, laundry, kitchen duty, provide snacks for soccer, and just barely escape going completely bonkers or becoming an achololic (more box wine puleeeez) is a freaking genius. There are men I personally know who may never fit the description of “book smart” but have an above genius level of know how in building, construction, brick work, plumbing, and mechanics. One man in particular has blown my mind ( but then spray cheese blows my mind also) in many levels on his mechanical abilities.

What about artists?, dancers, writers, bloggers, cool people who find cool and interesting pictures to post on their blog, painters, and other creative types? Don’t they deserve the “genius” moniker?

If you need me I will be busy submitting my 2000 page thesis on why electromagnetically charged peanut butter particles once owned by a squirrel princess warrior with emotional “new TV” season issues are prone to stick on band aide brand to a large gathering of biker moms with tattoos.

Under the influence of caffiene

Caffeine: lovely, fantastic, beautiful caffeine. I owe (blame?) most of my best barrbed comments, wittiest comebacks, and awe-inspired (at least that’s what I claimed in my submission for a pulitzer prize) work. While I am at it I can blame caffeine for the rotten, no good, truly awful open mouth insert foot stuff I allegedly may have said or posted.

Someone or something has to take the credit and heat for all of that. Taking personal accountability would be asking way too much and also gives me a very flimsy excuse or story for the kind police officer who pulled me over and suspects I may have working, walking, blogging, and thinking while under the influence of caffeine. (Nothing to see here officer, just me holding a voluptious cold energy drink can in my hand as if I was holding the ring of power from Lord Of The Rings saying in my Golum voice: “My precious… My precious”)

Caffeine comes in so many forms it may cause someone who had a problem or addiction with it (gosh I really hope those kind of people just get real and get some help) to wonder to themselves what exactly would be the best way to deliver the benefits of caffiene?

Only for the benefit of this blog I have done research (investigative work?) on the matter. Mountain Dew is a good stand by, coffee is such a gift (dear Starbucks: your coffee is way too expensive) and Monster energy drinks have always been my favorite.

Sleep depravation is a cruel joke invented by late night talk shows, QVC, golden girls marathons, and commercials about your medicare options. Life is short, stay awake for it.

The honey do list

When I got married my wife and I chose a passage from the book of Ruth, verse 16 as our wedding vows. The passage expresses Ruth’s ultra supreme sense of dedication towards her mother in law Naomi (except we used it as an expression of our dedication to each other).

It seems once the paperwork was signed and the ceremony was performed I apperntly (and unwittingly) had to agree to (at all times) adhere to, and fulfill a honey do list given to me by my lovely bride.

Pictures of me seeking the advice of one of those accident attorneys with the shiny suites and Bluetooth earpiece rushes through head occaisionally. yes I promised to go where she would go, that her people ¬†would be my people, and that her God would be my God. I don’t however remember signing any paperwork stating that I would be held legally accountable to any and all honey do lists all the way to being held accountable to even the smallest line item (what?!?!.. You forgot the pack of gum?? It was on the list!.. I even underlined it!).

The only problem with even remotely thinking about or following the line of dislogic of forcing my spouse into a deposition, sitting across a large table from a league of Johnny Cockran attorneys grilling her over the details of the how and why’s of the iron clad honey do list is that she would first make dog food out of the attorneys then me. So I have learned to smile and nod and follow each instruction on the list as best I can.

As if that was not enough the honey do list has the right to morph, change quantity of items, change line items, and then be piled up on top of the already growing list of stuff that needs to be done. (which I call my TMSTD list. *Too Much Stuff To Do*)

All I can sugest to anyone anywhere who has the joy and privledge of fulfilling a honey do list is to make peace with it. Look at it this way: if you get everything on the list you don’t have to be a mind reader or guess what to get.

 

Naked Blogging

Everyone is naked. Even your dear grand aunt Florence who was more famous for wearing 2 blouses, one camisol, 2 cardigan sweaters, and 2 pair of support hose than she was for making unidentifiable (candy?) Treats that she passed out as gifts each Christmas. People are dating naked, trying to survive the wilderness naked, cooking naked (thanks for that morning cooking show while I am trying to ingest coffee, become alert, come back from the dead for subjecting me to half dressed people), and breaking Amish taboo’s by showing their ankles.

Now some people would argue that Adam and Eve were naked, and that we came into this world naked, but I would counter that Adam and Eve had the common sense that God gave a goose to realize naked and leather covered tree logs to sit on do not mix.

To be completely honest I have never really understood, or personally endorsed public nudity in any form. Nudist colony? Umm no thanks, nude beach? Again a resounding no for the same reason. Public showers? Possibly, but only if there are SEPERATE showers with some sense of privacy.

So if your blogging while your naked, reading blogs naked, or even if your pet cat/dog/hamster/goldfish prefers leasurly mornings drinking pumpkin flavored lattes in the nude I just really don’t want to know about it. Now get dressed will you??!!

 

An ode to Toast

Question: when and where does toast have its origins? I mean, who exactly is the pyromaniac that one day decided to burn, charcoal, then pleasantly brown a helpless piece of bread? Look at any culture in existence since everything started to exist and you will find bread. The food staple that allowed your grandmother,s grandmother,s great, great, great grandmother exist at least 3 days on that damn cold ice flow her ungrateful family left her on.

So when and how did some one who obviously has psychopathic tendencies decide to set a major food staple on fire? Is there a bread hate crime involved here? I would at this point suggest the police (bread crime division) be called but I can only assume they may have too busy giving “operating a wheel under the inflinfluence” citations at the time.

Toast just has to have a interesting back story and I demand the history channel take a break from the Hitler obsession they have and do a toast segment. My personal piece of toast history is one of my favorite headlines on a tabloid: “possessed toaster leaves mark of the Devil on toast”. The devil was obviously having a really slow day and needed a small distraction.