Its always an honor to be nominated for an award trophy statue medallion on a Gold Chain that will collect dust

Award Season: The Grammy’s, the whammy’s, the double whammy’s, the slammy’s, the Oscars, the Fred’s, Benny’s, Tony’s, SAG awards, Saggy awards, Baggy Pants awards, people choice awards, people hated this awards, The Emmy’s, The kimmy’s, and world wide wrestling championship have a lot in common:

 

They like themselves a lot, they suck all the oxygen known to man, (and other intelligent beings)  insist you care about who was nominated, barrage you with who wore what, who flubbed their acceptance speech, who did what, what happened when, and take up precious TV channel space and time  where a reasonably not so old episode of Matlock could have been aired. I mean C’mon! How am I supposed to find out if indeed Matlock can successfully defend Mrs. Doubtfire against charges of stealing The First Baptist’s Church’s Pastor’s wifes hat?? 

All Red Carpets DO NOT lead somewhere wonderful. Miley, Bieber, Kanye,  Chris Brown, and who knows next will make certain of that. As if the Red Carpet was not already littered with the jagged metal and broken glass of Paparazzi, Fashion trolls, Talking heads, twitter ninja’s, Instagram Warriors,   and what ever manner of fresh hell can be found along the way.

Here’s an idea: How about we celebrate nurses, Firefighters, Police Officers, EMT personnel, Food Pantry volunteers, Child protective Service workers, Teachers, Humane society helpers, Soldiers, and real people who made real contributions to the world being a better place?? Such a celebration and award show would certainly be a billion times more worthy of our attention, TV time, twitter feeds, and media attention.

An Ode to Wendy O. Williams (and the Plasmatics)

Believe it or not my first introduction to Wendy O. Williams was during a English class in high school. Mr. (sorry I can’t remember his last name) rolled in a TV, and VCR from the AV department and proceeded to shock, stimulate, and barrage our ears and eyes with the magic wonder and mystery that was Wendy O. Williams. He made it clear he was a big fan of hers and since she is famous for her Mohawk (did she have a mohawk? I was not paying attention to her hair at the time), strategically placed electrical tape/pasties/clothes?, and taking a chainsaw to a car while performing most of the guys in the class (who knows, maybe a couple of girls also) became instant fans also.

Mind you, this is during the early 80’s when MTV actually played music videos and it just got so crazy as to what and who would be shown on MTV it seemed like it was open season on the ears, eyes, and whatever sensibilities there may have been left over from the post disco studio 54 age. MTV garnered the reputation of being almost like a pirate radio station. You watched it during the day with your parents and they would be kind enough to show simple minds or Tiffany and when you watched late at night you just might get to see Punk Bands, Billy Idol, and even Wendy O. Williams. A complete overload of orange, green, purple hair, tattoos, piercings, ripped jeans, and badass anti-establishement rock music.

Because I truly want my blog to be rated G (PG at best) I will not post a youtube video here as an example. Never mind Lady Gaga, or Nicki Minaj, they are just mere novices when compared to the fierce full throttle bat in the face explosion that was Wendy O. Williams. Now where did I leave that chainsaw??

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

And then The Jabberwocky took over

Life: never mind being handed lemons and being expected to make lemonade. I prefer to see life as a test of how well you would make it as a circus clown being shot out of a completely ridiculous circus cannon that is more capable of shooting confetti, cream pies, and sparkly poodles than say: clowns.

God is most certainly is a comedian and the joke is is on me, you and your uncle Ed. I am a huge Looney Tune cartoon fan and there are these older ones that are produced by Tex Avery that just blow my freaking mind. Cartoon world is crazy enough as it is (I personally recommend Sponge Bob as a reference), but when Tex Avery took over all bets were off. Tex made absolutely certain you strapped yourself in because the ride was going to be like no other. My theory here is that Tex must have felt the same way about how nutty, crazy, and out of control life can be.

We have the nerve to honestly believe that a car ride across the desert is only and exactly that: a drive across the desert. Hey buddy! (smacks face to wake desert driver up) watch out for the anvils made by Acme! And yes, if you look carefully they are indeed being dropped in your path by a cartoon Coyote. Tunnel up a head? Great! That means that the fresh paint on the side of the rock stuck and the damage to your desert driving vehicle is NOT covered by car insurance provider X. (it is however covered by ACME insurance and you had no idea to opt into the Fake Tunnel damage waiver) Feet planted firmly on the ground? Future’s so bright you gotta wear shades? Don’t look now some rascally rabbit just painted a hole beneath you! Hope you packed a parachute! Its a looooooong way down.

The point I am trying to make here is life is a joke. The quicker you figure that out and start packing your seltzer bottle, anvil catapult, fake tunnel paint remover, black paint hole maker, carry a gun that shoots a flag that says: BANG!, and learn to set your mind to a place where circus cannons that have shown absolutely no ability to shoot anything heavier than a marshmallow will INDEED shoot your ***** pound body across the room then your trip is doomed.

Pardon me, I am expected to be shot out next. I certainly hope the cream pie I am diving into is blueberry, Its my favorite.

Bad celebrity/noteworthy people choices:

English: Arnold Schwarzenegger in July 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being on a Boat with Robert Wagner
Being in a car With Ted Kennedy
Being on a plane with Buddy Holly
Being on top of the Empire State Building with King Kong
Being on Mars with Arnold Schwarzenegger
Baby sitting in late 1970’s suburbia with Jamie Lee Curtis
Being on a distant moon filled with Xenomorphic aliens with Paul Reiser
Being a entertainer sharing the same video music award stage with Miley Cyrus
Being the Warner Brothers executive responsible for choosing Ben Affleck as the new Batman
Being in any movie of any kind with Steven Segal
taking a taxi ride to pretty much anywhere with a Mohawk clad Robert De Niro
Being the guy on a landing party with red shirt on Star Trek
Being in a pit of molten Carbonite with Han Solo

Do something Human now because the future is lousy with Robots

Somewhere In Japan, China, Euro-Disney, Silicon Valley California, a un-disclosed Mythbusters bunker, and the lab of Howard Wolowitz, there is a sinister plot to make humans more like machines, and machines more human. 

Please count me fully annoyed because I have not trusted anything that even remotely looks, sounds, and even tastes (a story I don’t wish to share) like artificial intelligence since my buddy and I had the hair brained idea to allow our furby’s be in the same room at the same time. 

Furby’s learn what you teach them, then learn on their own, and if they are ever given the opportunity to be in the same vicinity of another furby, they speak furbish (yes this is real) to each other and then teach each other what they have learned. I can tell you the experience is eerie and that’s an understatement. It makes you feel like you need a old priest and young priest, and that not even an exorcism will be remotely helpful.

I just bought my first “smart” phone. Just how “smart” is it? Sure, I love the touch screen features, Gmail app, calendar, Twitter updates, camera, pocket knife, wine cork screw, and fingernail clipper but when I am looking at it, (constantly) is it in turn constantly watching me? A camera/video phone with internet features? Sounds suspicious to me, maybe we all owe Anthony wiener an apology and should be blaming the phone. 

Machines are everywhere anymore. Rumba wants to vacuum your floor and bug your house on behalf of the NSA. The grocery self check out wants to have a full out conversation with you, but seems to have a condescending tone that you bought those donuts. Get out of my face machine scan lady (who do they have such icy, snotty female voices?) I will buy yellow cupcakes and M&M’s at the same dang time and I don’t owe you any explanations.

Haley Joel Osment once portrayed a artificial intelligent Robot with a great future in artificially intelligent acne and robotic mood swings. It’s a good thing the younger Mr. Osment was already robot like it made watching the movie that much more horrible. 

While the rest of the world deposits checks by snapping pictures of them, and are watched by Skynet I think I will take my refuge at the airport and get a full body scan.

Calling all no name actors

 

I recently read on the internet that Warner Brothers is wanting to do a remake/reboot of “The Island Of Dr. Moreau” . I quickly posted on Facebook that I would not mind a remake since the previous incarnations were lackluster at best. I personally feel a slick/dark “Contagion” meets “Jurassic Park” meets “The Walking Dead” horror/thriller that scares the crap out of audiences while keeping them on the edge of their seat would be a welcomed version of the H.G Wells classic. Unfortunately it seems the project is attached to Leonardo Dicaprio and Jennifer Davisson Killoran.

I say unfortunately because I have no idea if this means big names starring in a big lavish production that means well but misses the opportunity to really harness the potential unseen spooky/horror/thriller bite the project/movie could really have. Already I am scared its going to be a big trussed up boat going no where (need I remind everyone of the ham handed “Prometheus”??) because its being described as a Sci-Fi film with a topical ecological message. Ugh.. I already can see the save the earth, tree hugging everyone in the theater please hold hands and sing kumbaya overkill.

Not its not an important message to save the earth but I cant say enough how I would much rather see a movie that pulls on the same paranoia strings that Contagion and Jurassic Park does allowing the belief that this could really happen and its coming after you.. like now.

Can I point out to well meaning Hollywood studios that a lot can be learned from movies like “The Blair Witch Project”, The Original “Alien”, “The Descent”, “Night Of The Living Dead” and a gaggle of other movies that was made on a shoe string budget with no name actors? Sometimes less is more folks.

Apparently even weirdo Geeks can receive The Golden Goose Award

The Golden Goose Award

Be careful what you write, it may come back and tap you on the shoulder, whack you on the head, and pat you on the back. One of my favorite blogs The Grimm Report opened up their blog for submissions and they not only did they accept my submission , but they must have gone temporarily insane, posted it, and then proceeded to give me an award for my effort.

It’s really not for me to speak out of turn about what prescription medication the folks at The Grimm Report may be taking or what medication they should be taking instead but I guess I should go ahead and give an acceptance speech:

“By the power of Voltron, The Power Puff Girls, Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a Spider can, Iron Man, and in honor of all aliens, monsters, nerds, geeks, costumed cosplayers, weirdo’s, and dorks I do humbly accept and gratefully thank the People at The Grimm Report for the Golden Goose Award.

Apparently people seem to prefer their leaders (and monsters/aliens) spitting, snarling, yelling, and in dire need of deep psychotherapy.

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

:Warning may contain nerdy references to nerdy stuff :

Oh hello Leonidas, leader of the 300 (spit included) !SPARTA! Half naked (gosh that must be cold) warriors. You have a visitor from the Persian empire. I have heard of being kicked to the curb but do you have a habit kicking all your UN-welcomed guests into a well??

Spider Man’s dead uncle says with great power comes great responsibility. If you missed him saying it at least 3 times in the original Tobey Maguire version the people at Marvel Comics and Disney (who owns Marvel) were kind enough to repeat the phrase again a few more times in the next movie (again with Tobey Maguire).

What good old (and dead) Uncle Ben forget to mention was people (separately and in groups) seem to take you more seriously if your yelling, screaming, spitting, snarling, and have veins popping out of your neck and head. In other words all the stress anxiety filled behavior your cardiologist warned you against.

I have drawing, doodling, painting, coloring and creating for as long as I can remember. I have a online art gallery, and actually have shown some of my art work at a few local gallery’s. Most of my subject matter is inspired by comic books, aliens, monsters, and robots (big surprise huh?). My mom asked me one time why 90% of the aliens and monsters I draw are spitting and snarling. Well Gee mom, friendly monsters and aliens are a nice idea and such with the whole saving the world, kumbaya people holding hands, figuring old cold fusion, tree hugging, xenomorph sole kissing happiness and everything but spitting, snarling monsters and aliens with anger management issues are just plain cool.

Lets just be honest for a moment, your watching your favorite sports team. If the your team is stinking up whatever playing field they play on, do you really want the coach to give everyone on the team a hug, call them over for “soul palates”, have them hold hands and click their heels, burn scented candles, or sing a 80’s big hair power ballad to them on a karaoke machine? Absolutely NOT! You seriously expect the coach to yell, scream, look like he’s about to pop his top, spit, snarl, and yell loving hatred at them. The visit to the cardiologist and psychotherapist can wait for now, we have points to get on the board to get. Bragging rights at church and work are hanging in the balance here dang it.

Peter Parker (and Tobey Macguire) was a nice guy dork who got bullied, Spider Man was a nice guy dork with great powers (you say the rest I can’t take it any more), but Venom was Spider Man’s darker alien infused, spitting, snarling, cooler anger management weirdo doppelganger self. People paid attention to him, he was stinky, nasty, and would have made a great sports coach, half naked warrior leader, and a great candidate for psychotherapy. He will just have wait in line with Bobby Night, The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Charlie Sheen, Leather Face, The predator, The Terminator, and Sam Kinison.

What I learned from “The Wolverine”

When you loose your will to live you grow a crazy looking beard. when you have a crazy looking beard you look like a crazy homeless guy. When you look like a crazy homeless guy your best friend is a grizzly bear. When your best friend is a grizzly bear you wind up smelling like salmon poop. Don’t wind up smelling like salmon poop, Get Direct TV and don’t loose your will to live.

Obviously being hairy, grumpy, a rage-aholic, and being “dreamy” (my wife’s words not mine) can only be pulled off by Hugh Jackman

Wolverine claws Vs Samurai sword: Claws win.

Wolverine claws Vs Large Adamantium robot: Tie (sort of)

Japanese girl + Katana + Bullet train = awesome

There is a 2 mutant minimum per movie

What the H? Wolverine survived the H bomb in 1944 Nagasaki Japan and he didn’t even say what the H?

Wil Wheaton is NOT a mutant

Wil Wheaton is NOT human

Wil Wheaton is NOT in this movie

$4.00 is too much to pay for chocolate covered raisins

Every time I go to the theater and the staff is tuxedo garb I always feel under dressed