What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

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So when exactly do I get to pick out my “Old Man Outfit”??

I turned 50 last year, I am looking 51 dead in the eye in six more months. It has me worried. The reason why is based on trips to Walmart, any grocery store, the hardware store, The DMV, Doctors offices, and just pumping gas into my minivan. While I am at any location really there is a growing number of people growing old. A lot of these older people (older than me I am pointing out here) are men. The majority of them have somehow, in someway have decided to wear (with very slight variations) the same outfit. Its as if there is a store that caters to grumpiness, never ending stories of working on their car, garage, boat, cabinets, memories of war, and the last pork chop they ate. 

The outfits seem to consist of: jeans, coveralls, work pants (if you say dockers they will slap you for being a sissy), a dress shirt (normally plaid, printed in some manly fashion without looking to frilly), suspenders (seems to be a MUST HAVE item) a belt (I guess the suspenders are a back up just in case the belt goes out or visa-versa), and a hat. 

The hat seems to open to interpretation just as long it does not have fruit on top of  and is completely void of a bow or ribbon included. Baseball cap seems to be a nice popular choice just as long as you wear it like a real man and stop trying to look like a rap artist, or someone with a mental problem.  What is inscribed/written on the baseball hat seems to be important also. Letting people know your a war veteran and that you were Killing people in foreign lands while they were still nursing will get you some serious nursing home Cred. 

Bowlers, Pork Pie hats(Think Walter White from Breaking Bad), Fedora’s, and even Richard Petty style cowboy hats can be acceptable wear. If your stuck in traffic behind a slow moving vehicle chances are good the driver is a old man in a hat (or he left his hat at home).

What confuses me is 1. when exactly did these legions of old men decide to start wearing the same outfit? And 2. Now that I am getting older am I required to follow suit? When exactly do I start turning the garden hose on the neighbors kids?, Complain about the meatloaf at the local cafeteria?, start smelling like I poured a entire bottle of Old Spice on myself?, Have a handshake that feels like Solid Rock?, tell stories of the car I put back together with nothing more than a piece of wire and a can of WD40?, threaten to put my foot up someones wazoo?, smack people on the back of the head just for being a dumb ass? The questions never end.

An Ode to Wendy O. Williams (and the Plasmatics)

::We interrupt this Blog with a chainsaw::
Believe it or not my first introduction to Wendy O. Williams was during a English class in high school. Mr. (sorry I can’t remember his last name) rolled in a TV, and VCR from the AV department and proceeded to shock, stimulate, and barrage our ears and eyes with the magic wonder and mystery that was Wendy O. Williams. He made it clear he was a big fan of hers and since she is famous for her Mohawk (did she have a mohawk? I was not paying attention to her hair at the time), strategically placed electrical tape/pasties/clothes?, and taking a chainsaw to a car while performing most of the guys in the class (who knows, maybe a couple of girls also) became instant fans also.

Mind you, this is during the early 80’s when MTV actually played music videos and it just got so crazy as to what and who would be shown on MTV it seemed like it was open season on the ears, eyes, and whatever sensibilities there may have been left over from the post disco studio 54 age. MTV garnered the reputation of being almost like a pirate radio station. You watched it during the day with your parents and they would be kind enough to show simple minds or Tiffany and when you watched late at night you just might get to see Punk Bands, Billy Idol, and even Wendy O. Williams. A complete overload of orange, green, purple hair, tattoos, piercings, ripped jeans, and badass anti-establishement rock music.

Because I truly want my blog to be rated G (PG at best) I will not post a youtube video here as an example. Never mind Lady Gaga, or Nicki Minaj, they are just mere novices when compared to the fierce full throttle bat in the face explosion that was Wendy O. Williams. Now where did I leave that chainsaw??

The Macho Man Vs The Sensitive Circus Clown

macho_man_randy_savage

One of my favorite bloggers touched on what exactly makes a man.. well manly? I have always rejected the square peg meets round hole stereo types, and notions. Mostly because I am willing to openly admit I don’t meet most of the what I personally feel are stupid notions. Men are tough, men don’t cry, men like being sweaty and dirty, men eat coal and crap diamonds, men are hunters, men hate hugging, men don’t show their feelings, men love fast cars and loose women, men wear beards (with no real offense meant to the real cast) and look like the cast of Duck Dynasty. The completely ridiculous Macho Man Randy Savage list goes on and on. Give me a break!

My older brother I feel certainly fits the bill of what I personally term a “Mans man”. He hunts, he owns and operates guns, he wears a lot of camouflage, rides a motorcycle, is moody, broody, and is more prone to punch you in the face or give you a hearty fist bump rather than give you a hug (just think of the uber-male that you see portrayed in a beer commercial and you get the idea) . Me on the other hand, I am not any of that at all. I (big surprise here) am more prone to be the sensitive hugging joker creative artistic clown who loves pretty flowers, puppy’s, and is easily distracted by laser lights and shiny objects. I love to wear colorful clothes, make my own accessories (necklaces, wrist bands), I am sorta obsessive about my clothes and how they match, have dyed my hair several colors, and yes I am thoroughly heterosexual without question because lets just say there are certain parts of the female anatomy that just send me into outer space.

This is not to say that I don’t have my moments as a typical guy (or husband). Even after being married for 25 years and knowing my wife for 30, I still have to remind myself that she really doesn’t want me to “fix” her problems (per say) but really just wants me to listen. Good luck ladies, guys are built to be builders, fixers, and problem solvers and anytime there is a chance to use tools, or duct tape we loose ourselves like a golden retriever looses itself over a tennis ball.

I guess my point here is to NEVER allow anyone, anywhere, for any reason try to pigeon hole you, control you, and tell you that you don’t fit the description of a Man or Woman. I tend not to trust public opinion because I never cared to do something just because “everyone is doing it”. In-fact, if anything I have always reserved the right to make my own mind at my own pace about my own life with no apologies for doing so. If you don’t like me or the way I do things then that is your problem not mine.

Calling all no name actors

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I recently read on the internet that Warner Brothers is wanting to do a remake/reboot of “The Island Of Dr. Moreau” . I quickly posted on Facebook that I would not mind a remake since the previous incarnations were lackluster at best. I personally feel a slick/dark “Contagion” meets “Jurassic Park” meets “The Walking Dead” horror/thriller that scares the crap out of audiences while keeping them on the edge of their seat would be a welcomed version of the H.G Wells classic. Unfortunately it seems the project is attached to Leonardo Dicaprio and Jennifer Davisson Killoran.

I say unfortunately because I have no idea if this means big names starring in a big lavish production that means well but misses the opportunity to really harness the potential unseen spooky/horror/thriller bite the project/movie could really have. Already I am scared its going to be a big trussed up boat going no where (need I remind everyone of the ham handed “Prometheus”??) because its being described as a Sci-Fi film with a topical ecological message. Ugh.. I already can see the save the earth, tree hugging everyone in the theater please hold hands and sing kumbaya overkill.

Not its not an important message to save the earth but I cant say enough how I would much rather see a movie that pulls on the same paranoia strings that Contagion and Jurassic Park does allowing the belief that this could really happen and its coming after you.. like now.

Can I point out to well meaning Hollywood studios that a lot can be learned from movies like “The Blair Witch Project”, The Original “Alien”, “The Descent”, “Night Of The Living Dead” and a gaggle of other movies that was made on a shoe string budget with no name actors? Sometimes less is more folks.

Apparently even weirdo Geeks can receive The Golden Goose Award

The Golden Goose Award

Be careful what you write, it may come back and tap you on the shoulder, whack you on the head, and pat you on the back. One of my favorite blogs The Grimm Report opened up their blog for submissions and they not only did they accept my submission , but they must have gone temporarily insane, posted it, and then proceeded to give me an award for my effort.

It’s really not for me to speak out of turn about what prescription medication the folks at The Grimm Report may be taking or what medication they should be taking instead but I guess I should go ahead and give an acceptance speech:

“By the power of Voltron, The Power Puff Girls, Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a Spider can, Iron Man, and in honor of all aliens, monsters, nerds, geeks, costumed cosplayers, weirdo’s, and dorks I do humbly accept and gratefully thank the People at The Grimm Report for the Golden Goose Award.

Confessions

When I was younger a local lady in the neighborhood told me she had a baby in her belly. I went around telling people she ate her baby.

When Marcia Brady was hit in the face with a football I was indeed rooting for the football

I did not actually switch to Tide Coldwater like I told the lady in the elevator I did the other day

The entry: “Warrior Ninja Master Of Disguise” on my Linkedin profile is not true. I only added it to impress my Karate master.

I did so yeah huh win the go-fish, scrabble, Star Trek hide and seek tournament held at Tommy Franklin’s house back in 77. Yeah huh times infinity

Purple is NOT my favorite color, blue is, and I am glad I finally got that off my chest

At night I am working on a laser beam that tuns lady bugs into not-so-lady bugs who are strangely attracted to light bulbs painted red