All this blog Needs is a Buzz Phrase

Act Now and in 38000 easy payments (that’s less than a cost of a cup of coffee folks) these scrubbing bubbles with activate the activated charcoal along with these scientifically proven moisture pockets residing within the patented vortex wind funnel cleaning wand.

That sure got your attention Huh? Wow that was exciting! I could just picture myself wet-dry cleaning an elephant and even the elephant’s wrinkles would be squeaky clean. Finally! Heck knows even elephants deserve clean wrinkles.

Everywhere I look it seems there are MADMEN creating brilliantly annoying advertising campaign’s just lousy with buzz phrases. (Or is that lousy advertising with annoying buzz phrases??) Only in commercials do we find out that Bounty is the quicker picker upper (I would hate to see it be the slower, I will get that tomorrow, non-picker downer), Gerber’s baby food has Comfort Proteins, Zip lock bags have snap and fresh seal technology, Fresh Step Cat Litter has activated freshness molecules, and further learn that it only takes wearing a lab coat and a buzz phrase and voila! I can convince you that super-duper smart scientists worked around the clock (with no bathroom break mind you) to create this thigamabob that makes your life complete.

I have some burning questions: Is secret really strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? And will a man blow up into a bazillion little pieces if he wears it any way? Is Irish Spring made in Ireland? Are the thoughts of a dead turkey wrapped in Reynolds wrap protected against Alien thought invasion? Are Colgate cleaning molecules treated differently at the local bar as opposed to regular molecules? Are flavor pockets related to Flavor Flav? (yeeeeeeeee boy) and just what exactly is dry weave technology?

I am beginning to suspect the writers who used to create the techno-babble heard in a Star Trek episode now make up buzz phrases heard in commercials. Maybe if I employ the interlocking viral blog packets then its slightly possible fiber optic cyber freshness seal molecules will dry weave a nice cardigan sweater for me.

What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

Why being a Skeptic is good for YOU

Asking questions, lots of questions, poking holes in popular notions, being a complete pest, refusing to leave your brain at the door, reserving the right to be the constant doubting Thomas are actually good things.

It means you insist on being engaged, spoken to, and NOT being spoken at. Trust me if you have ever been spoken at instead of being spoken to you know what I am talking about.

During a rah-rah sales pitch, sales marketing, this is the money you can make session I once had before taking on the task of selling expensive vacuum cleaners to the open public the tactic used during the session seemed to involve blowing the potential sales people minds by flashing numbers at them.

Numbers are nice, unless I am battling them by trying to bend them to my will just so I can pay a utility bill. Numbers can be motivating and help someone possibly visualize amounts in their favor they may have never thought be possible for them.

I don’t mind using numbers to gain the perked interest of others. A good example is Chuckie, who is part of my marketing team. He is averaging 300.00 a week with only 3 months of effort as a investment of time and effort. Sounds great to me because Chuckie certainly deserves the income and I am happy to hear he is doing well and is on his way to creating a very nice passive residual income.

What bothers me is when numbers are the ONLY thing being used. I am a person! Not a calculator! If your selling something, or marketing something please try to remind yourself there are real people out there with real problems and real dreams attached to that wallet your trying so hard to open.

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

A simple test

Be afraid, very afraid. I figured out how to use my webcam, & how to use it and multitask. This means once I get everything hammered out you may be seeing more video-blogging staring yours truly. Yes that is me in this test video. Please leave comments

My blog morning

I work a later shift (for now), so eat your heart out while your driving to work in the early holy crap time of the morning I am still sleeping. I have been up and down from bed a few times but I just “officially” got up at 11am.

This is one of the mornings I am glad I am not at work early. The very large corporation I have mentioned in another of my blogs is having some higher up muckity mucks visiting the building. Its always the same dog and pony show no matter how many company’s I have worked for. Clean your work area, tidy up, and oh yeah can you hide the zombie? That last one was a real request for me. I keep a small collection of action figures at my cubicle. The Zombie does have guts (made out of rubber!.. and yes I sometimes play with it) hanging out so I actually do understand that gross looking zombies with their guts hanging out is NOT everyone’s cup of tea.

Trust me, I have a complete understanding of how fortunate I am I work for a Company even allows me to have my zombie friend at my work place in the first place. The Company I work for is more well known for being button down conservative so I try not to make too many waves. Now and then I do like to see I can push the envelope just a little. Lately mother nature decided my newest hair color: gray. Not all gray (yet) but just a swoosh in the front. In the past I took my chances and have dyed my hair dark red(ish) to dark purple. No one said boo, and I both amazed and happy my employer has seem to except my unique sense of self expression. I also occasionally wear loud shirts. The official dress code says the shirts worn must have a collar, and they indeed do. I was told when I was training that since my loud shirts are really loud that they would be frowned upon in such a conservative environment. I guessed I proved them wrong.

By the time I get to work I doubt if there will be any muckity mucks still there. They may, but normally if you dress really sharp to try to impress your wasting your time. When there is a visit like this everyone acts if the visitors will be coming to each and every cubicle or work space and personally inspect it. Now you know, no matter how clean, tidy, and organized everything looks the people who are playing host will only allow the guests to “tour” an “approved” route and would never in a million years show them the real underbelly (annnnnd this is where we dump all of our trash!) of the building.

Despite the fact I will most likely NOT have any encounter with the visitors I will behave myself and make certain I do not wear one of my loud shirts (although I would really like to).

Next time you save the universe make sure you know how to google reverse sku search, diagnose hardware and software issues, and make a step by step electronics fix it book for your wife

What’s in my Computer Bits Bag (Photo credit: Nick J Adams)

Oh the joy of being a geeky, tech nerd from planet X (the planet insists on remaining unknown for its own protection). It has its ups and downs. On the plus side I do know my way around computers, digital watches ( who needs to wear a watch any more?), remote controls, hard drives, mouses, printers, software, HTML coding, wireless networks, wireless routers, google searching, and most electronic things and gadgets.

On the down side when your friends and family members slowly begin to figure out your a wiz at most to anything technology related you then become the designated Nerd-A-Lert tech support. My computer is broke! How do I tell my DVR to play the dolby digital sound sound signal instead of the analog signal? How do I stream Netflix to my TV? How do I post this picture from another website to facebook? How do I get my VCR to stop flashing 12:00?? (first get rid of the VCR and get yourself a blue ray player to start with) The questions never seem to end.

My hands down favorite story is when a friend of mine was looking a light bulb. Now mind you, this was no ordinary light bulb. He owns a business that has security lighting (the kind you would see in a parking lot) and that security lighting uses special bulbs you just cant go to the store or even Lowes to just pick up. His daughter (who ran the business for him) brought the box the bulb came in in an effort to help track down where exactly you can get a hold of this elusive/exotic bulb. Because my friend rubs elbows with other rich business big shots (he hates it that I call him that) he was actually on the phone with another rich business big shot who does a lot of major industrial electrical business asking him of all people where he might be able to get a replacement bulb. I calmly asked my friend (while he was still on the phone) if the box on the table was the box the bulb came in, asked if I could go into his “computer room” to use the computer. Approximately 2 to 3 minutes later (using a google SKU reverse search technique I can’t explain to you) I yelled out from the computer room: “Hey dude! Is this what your looking for?” pointing at a picture of bulb being sold through a specialty online retailer. The only down side to this story is now my friend expects me to solve every technical problem he has (I love you guy but I am going to have to start to charge for my services).

Then there is my lovely bride (gosh I love her so much). She stays at home when I go to work and she MUST (and I do mean must) have her cable TV to help her keep entertained while I am away (heck knows I provide enough entertainment when I am at home). She calls me now and then when the power goes out (& back on) and makes the DVR go crazy. Its then my geeky hubby duty to diagnose and resolve the entertainment to DVR to TV issues she is having. If you have ever seen a grown man speak in sweet low tech easy to understand terms while pounding his head on the nearest wall you just might have seen me without realizing it. I swear I am going to make a step by step book (with visuals) just for my sweat heart for when this happens.

Next time you apply and interview for a job make sure you learn to read minds

I have a wonderful job. I have a wonderful job with a good company, I actually enjoy what I do and I feel like I get treated very well where I work. Seriously, yes I know I should just pinch myself, count my blessing and call it day. In a economy where just having a job alone is a commodity and there are thousands among thousands of people working stupid jobs for stupid people for long stupid hours for seriously stupid pay I fully do realize I have won the lottery in the career department.

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Despite all of this I know there is more out there for me. When I say more I don’t really mean more than what I already have. I mean I know there are departments within the company (fortunately for me I work for a extremely large corporation with jobs and positions all over the world) I already work for that would better suit the hours and possibly even career interests that I want.

I currently do call center work and have been doing so for 18 years. My voice, humor, attention to detail, love for connecting with people, and ability to multitask have been my bread and butter for quite a while. For my current employer I will be celebrating my 2 year anniversary in august. Through the encouragement of my team leader/supervisor I decided to start looking around internally for positions that may better fit the hours I would much rather have along with a (hopefully) better fit to my career goals.

Believe it or not despite the fact call center work has been my bread butter for a long time it doesn’t necessarily mean its what I would much rather be doing. So I took my supervisors advice and started to look. When you work for a large global corporation like I do its amazing, mind numbing, and almost hilarious the (what seems like) zillions of positions, position titles (just what exactly does a “Operation data mining specialist” do? And how did it get that title?) and descriptions that flooded my computer screen.

Since I currently have no interest in working in foreign countries (foreign to the United States Of America that is) I refined my search query to the local area where I live and have actually interviewed for 3 positions. Its been a cathartic experience trying to explain what I currently do (although they have a basic idea), what a typical day is like for me, and just how?? those skills, activities, attributes, ect do really (no really I swear) fit into what they are looking for. Its like trying to read their minds on what exactly it is they value, are looking for, and trying to figure out what exact maze they expect you to master before they give you access to the cheese. (did some one say cheese?)

During one interview with a lady in a department in the same building I work at acted like she was trying to talk me out of the position. She made it very clear the position was very demanding, I would have to keep my calls within a certain time frame, and make absolutely certain I code/disposition/memo the call/inquiry correctly. I knew for a fact I was up for the challenge but she seemed to have her mind made up. Because I come from a customer service department where we have a tendency to take a little more time on the phone with the customers to make sure all their inquiries/needs are met I would not be able to adjust to the tighter time constraints. Lets just say there was no surprise when I received the dreaded “thanks but no thanks” internal email.

At least she “Interviewed” (or at least pretended to) me to give me the no thanks. I have been submitting applications and cover letters left and right. I even got a no thanks without even a interview from my company’s social media/twitter team (NO seriously I could not believe they had one either). I am still not sure what skills/talents/whatever they deem as worthy for this team. They obviously don’t have any clue that computers/technology/ and the internet are my playground and that I am all the map in this area.

The fear of commitment

Smiley Face (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following ad hock legaleez mumbo jumbo staggeringly winded, strangely inclusive in almost all life situations is a non-compliant non-commitment commitment to commit to not commit.

As such when you the 4th party sign do knowingly sign here, initial here, sign here, print your name there, make your mark here, draw a smiley face there, put your thumb print here, turn page 576 upside down and list all declarations that need to be declared, print your name here, include your address there, make a origami duck out of page 98, list your social security 20 times on page 6789435, list your favorite cartoon character over here, sign your name as if you were queen/king of the universe on attachment P956, make a pencil drawing of a rabbit here, and raise your right hand while taking the Mr. potato oath of mashed potato justice commit to the non-compliant non-commitment commitment to commit to not commit legal and biding document.

To finalize, realize, detailize, specialize, adhere to, stick to, and generalize this agreement please listen to this verbal meandering disclosure and leave a comment of commitment below.