What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

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A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

  • We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
  • The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
  • You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
  • We find your choice of hair style perplexing
  • Squeaky shoes
  • Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
  • Your actually smarter than the rest of us
  • Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
  • You don’t know how to swim
  • Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
  • The big boss finds you creepy
  • Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
  • Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.  

My blog morning

I work a later shift (for now), so eat your heart out while your driving to work in the early holy crap time of the morning I am still sleeping. I have been up and down from bed a few times but I just “officially” got up at 11am.

This is one of the mornings I am glad I am not at work early. The very large corporation I have mentioned in another of my blogs is having some higher up muckity mucks visiting the building. Its always the same dog and pony show no matter how many company’s I have worked for. Clean your work area, tidy up, and oh yeah can you hide the zombie? That last one was a real request for me. I keep a small collection of action figures at my cubicle. The Zombie does have guts (made out of rubber!.. and yes I sometimes play with it) hanging out so I actually do understand that gross looking zombies with their guts hanging out is NOT everyone’s cup of tea.

Trust me, I have a complete understanding of how fortunate I am I work for a Company even allows me to have my zombie friend at my work place in the first place. The Company I work for is more well known for being button down conservative so I try not to make too many waves. Now and then I do like to see I can push the envelope just a little. Lately mother nature decided my newest hair color: gray. Not all gray (yet) but just a swoosh in the front. In the past I took my chances and have dyed my hair dark red(ish) to dark purple. No one said boo, and I both amazed and happy my employer has seem to except my unique sense of self expression. I also occasionally wear loud shirts. The official dress code says the shirts worn must have a collar, and they indeed do. I was told when I was training that since my loud shirts are really loud that they would be frowned upon in such a conservative environment. I guessed I proved them wrong.

By the time I get to work I doubt if there will be any muckity mucks still there. They may, but normally if you dress really sharp to try to impress your wasting your time. When there is a visit like this everyone acts if the visitors will be coming to each and every cubicle or work space and personally inspect it. Now you know, no matter how clean, tidy, and organized everything looks the people who are playing host will only allow the guests to “tour” an “approved” route and would never in a million years show them the real underbelly (annnnnd this is where we dump all of our trash!) of the building.

Despite the fact I will most likely NOT have any encounter with the visitors I will behave myself and make certain I do not wear one of my loud shirts (although I would really like to).

Next time you save the universe make sure you know how to google reverse sku search, diagnose hardware and software issues, and make a step by step electronics fix it book for your wife

What's in my Computer Bits Bag

What’s in my Computer Bits Bag (Photo credit: Nick J Adams)

Oh the joy of being a geeky, tech nerd from planet X (the planet insists on remaining unknown for its own protection). It has its ups and downs. On the plus side I do know my way around computers, digital watches ( who needs to wear a watch any more?), remote controls, hard drives, mouses, printers, software, HTML coding, wireless networks, wireless routers, google searching, and most electronic things and gadgets.

On the down side when your friends and family members slowly begin to figure out your a wiz at most to anything technology related you then become the designated Nerd-A-Lert tech support. My computer is broke! How do I tell my DVR to play the dolby digital sound sound signal instead of the analog signal? How do I stream Netflix to my TV? How do I post this picture from another website to facebook? How do I get my VCR to stop flashing 12:00?? (first get rid of the VCR and get yourself a blue ray player to start with) The questions never seem to end.

My hands down favorite story is when a friend of mine was looking a light bulb. Now mind you, this was no ordinary light bulb. He owns a business that has security lighting (the kind you would see in a parking lot) and that security lighting uses special bulbs you just cant go to the store or even Lowes to just pick up. His daughter (who ran the business for him) brought the box the bulb came in in an effort to help track down where exactly you can get a hold of this elusive/exotic bulb. Because my friend rubs elbows with other rich business big shots (he hates it that I call him that) he was actually on the phone with another rich business big shot who does a lot of major industrial electrical business asking him of all people where he might be able to get a replacement bulb. I calmly asked my friend (while he was still on the phone) if the box on the table was the box the bulb came in, asked if I could go into his “computer room” to use the computer. Approximately 2 to 3 minutes later (using a google SKU reverse search technique I can’t explain to you) I yelled out from the computer room: “Hey dude! Is this what your looking for?” pointing at a picture of bulb being sold through a specialty online retailer. The only down side to this story is now my friend expects me to solve every technical problem he has (I love you guy but I am going to have to start to charge for my services).

Then there is my lovely bride (gosh I love her so much). She stays at home when I go to work and she MUST (and I do mean must) have her cable TV to help her keep entertained while I am away (heck knows I provide enough entertainment when I am at home). She calls me now and then when the power goes out (& back on) and makes the DVR go crazy. Its then my geeky hubby duty to diagnose and resolve the entertainment to DVR to TV issues she is having. If you have ever seen a grown man speak in sweet low tech easy to understand terms while pounding his head on the nearest wall you just might have seen me without realizing it. I swear I am going to make a step by step book (with visuals) just for my sweat heart for when this happens.

Next time you apply and interview for a job make sure you learn to read minds

I have a wonderful job. I have a wonderful job with a good company, I actually enjoy what I do and I feel like I get treated very well where I work. Seriously, yes I know I should just pinch myself, count my blessing and call it day. In a economy where just having a job alone is a commodity and there are thousands among thousands of people working stupid jobs for stupid people for long stupid hours for seriously stupid pay I fully do realize I have won the lottery in the career department.

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Despite all of this I know there is more out there for me. When I say more I don’t really mean more than what I already have. I mean I know there are departments within the company (fortunately for me I work for a extremely large corporation with jobs and positions all over the world) I already work for that would better suit the hours and possibly even career interests that I want.

I currently do call center work and have been doing so for 18 years. My voice, humor, attention to detail, love for connecting with people, and ability to multitask have been my bread and butter for quite a while. For my current employer I will be celebrating my 2 year anniversary in august. Through the encouragement of my team leader/supervisor I decided to start looking around internally for positions that may better fit the hours I would much rather have along with a (hopefully) better fit to my career goals.

Believe it or not despite the fact call center work has been my bread butter for a long time it doesn’t necessarily mean its what I would much rather be doing. So I took my supervisors advice and started to look. When you work for a large global corporation like I do its amazing, mind numbing, and almost hilarious the (what seems like) zillions of positions, position titles (just what exactly does a “Operation data mining specialist” do? And how did it get that title?) and descriptions that flooded my computer screen.

Since I currently have no interest in working in foreign countries (foreign to the United States Of America that is) I refined my search query to the local area where I live and have actually interviewed for 3 positions. Its been a cathartic experience trying to explain what I currently do (although they have a basic idea), what a typical day is like for me, and just how?? those skills, activities, attributes, ect do really (no really I swear) fit into what they are looking for. Its like trying to read their minds on what exactly it is they value, are looking for, and trying to figure out what exact maze they expect you to master before they give you access to the cheese. (did some one say cheese?)

During one interview with a lady in a department in the same building I work at acted like she was trying to talk me out of the position. She made it very clear the position was very demanding, I would have to keep my calls within a certain time frame, and make absolutely certain I code/disposition/memo the call/inquiry correctly. I knew for a fact I was up for the challenge but she seemed to have her mind made up. Because I come from a customer service department where we have a tendency to take a little more time on the phone with the customers to make sure all their inquiries/needs are met I would not be able to adjust to the tighter time constraints. Lets just say there was no surprise when I received the dreaded “thanks but no thanks” internal email.

At least she “Interviewed” (or at least pretended to) me to give me the no thanks. I have been submitting applications and cover letters left and right. I even got a no thanks without even a interview from my company’s social media/twitter team (NO seriously I could not believe they had one either). I am still not sure what skills/talents/whatever they deem as worthy for this team. They obviously don’t have any clue that computers/technology/ and the internet are my playground and that I am all the map in this area.

Interview Rejection: its not me, its you. Okay its really me

donaldtrump

Your NOT hired!

Its hard to not to take Interview rejection personally. I have a job, so trust me I have a very large understanding that I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

Despite all of that I have recently have been trying to see what else is available for me both internally and externally of my current employer. I have interviewed both internally and externally and 2 out the 3 times I have done so I felt both interviews went really well.

One external interview went so well I was told specifically I was “on the top of the list”. There was a 2nd interview hoop to jump through and the interviewer seemed so pumped about me as a candidate that he/she wanted to see if there was any way to do the 2nd interview process right then and there and only because the person who this interview would have been with was not available, it never came to being.

The contact between myself and that person who interviewed me has been annoyingly glacial and silent since then. I started to have a slight understanding of what its like to be a single woman who felt she and her date had really connected and then did not receive a call.

I was given some “feed back” recently on why I did not get offered a position after yet another (what I felt was) great interview. “Well sir, you were late to the appointment, and you failed the written portion of the interview”. In my defense I was helping my mom who just happened to be in town at the time, I did call well before the interview time apologizing that I might be a bit late and I was only late by a minute or 2 at best. The “written” portion of the interview was me playing grade school teacher marking with a red pen spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. I am still not certain how this exorcize was a true test of my ability to use spell, grammar, or punctuation check (how in the heck do you honestly think I produce these blogs?) on a word processing program.

I am still at a loss also if the “feed back” given was a nifty new service to help me improve myself or there was a such a great concern of my deplorable performance that something just had to be said. If it’s a real service I can only hope other potential employers put it into action. “No mam, you did not get chosen for the position because you spent the entire interview with your shirt pulled over your head”. “No sir, we regret to inform you we decided to choose candidates who did not insist the interviewer speak to a sock puppet”. “I’m sorry mam you we will not be hiring you, you wore an outfit more appropriate for Hooters and not for a office position”.