All this blog Needs is a Buzz Phrase

Act Now and in 38000 easy payments (that’s less than a cost of a cup of coffee folks) these scrubbing bubbles with activate the activated charcoal along with these scientifically proven moisture pockets residing within the patented vortex wind funnel cleaning wand.

That sure got your attention Huh? Wow that was exciting! I could just picture myself wet-dry cleaning an elephant and even the elephant’s wrinkles would be squeaky clean. Finally! Heck knows even elephants deserve clean wrinkles.

Everywhere I look it seems there are MADMEN creating brilliantly annoying advertising campaign’s just lousy with buzz phrases. (Or is that lousy advertising with annoying buzz phrases??) Only in commercials do we find out that Bounty is the quicker picker upper (I would hate to see it be the slower, I will get that tomorrow, non-picker downer), Gerber’s baby food has Comfort Proteins, Zip lock bags have snap and fresh seal technology, Fresh Step Cat Litter has activated freshness molecules, and further learn that it only takes wearing a lab coat and a buzz phrase and voila! I can convince you that super-duper smart scientists worked around the clock (with no bathroom break mind you) to create this thigamabob that makes your life complete.

I have some burning questions: Is secret really strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? And will a man blow up into a bazillion little pieces if he wears it any way? Is Irish Spring made in Ireland? Are the thoughts of a dead turkey wrapped in Reynolds wrap protected against Alien thought invasion? Are Colgate cleaning molecules treated differently at the local bar as opposed to regular molecules? Are flavor pockets related to Flavor Flav? (yeeeeeeeee boy) and just what exactly is dry weave technology?

I am beginning to suspect the writers who used to create the techno-babble heard in a Star Trek episode now make up buzz phrases heard in commercials. Maybe if I employ the interlocking viral blog packets then its slightly possible fiber optic cyber freshness seal molecules will dry weave a nice cardigan sweater for me.

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Skip the guilt, pass the mash-potatoes please

It’s the same thing every year. To the point where I truly have a love-hate relationship with my television and the programming it gives me. My wife and I don’t have any children so I guess having both internet and TV is like having kids (in a way). One minute your so disappointed in them (BAD! TV & INTERNET! BAD!) that you swear your going to kick them permanently out of your home, and next thing you know they bring you (where I actually mean me in this case) kittens, puppies, science fiction, and absolutely no signs of Miley Ray Cyrus twerking while smoking pot.

Local news and the demented newscasters who appear on TV are the absolute worst. Anyone who has to look good on camera, be heavyhearted because of today’s fresh hell of tragedies, then in a blink of an eye brighten up with a story of a penguin who is using its body to shelter homeless seal pups who ‘s mommy and daddy died has to have some personality and mental issues.

Once again, right on time the demented newscasters start with the “eating with moderation”, holiday diet, turkey can kill you, why mash-potatoes are dangerous, cranberry’s are really terrorists, gravy causes cancer, dressing is really an alien ploy to take over your mind, please please let us find every reason in the world for you to feel guilty for actually enjoying a meal with your loved ones (if you can).

Let’s just say we skip the guilt, and pass the mash-potatoes please. Not everybody has a home, not everybody has family to be with, and some even have to spend thanksgiving in the hospital, in prison, in another country defending your freedom to watch football or 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”. Let’s just be thankful for what blessings we have and remember despite all the efforts your momma’s sweet potato pie may be making to clog your arteries that there is always someone who is going through something you could never imagine.

Money Cat

Help control the evil money cat population. Have your Ceramic Possessed cat spayed or neutered

Help control the evil money cat population. Have your Ceramic Possessed cat spayed or neutered

Money Cat’s (sometimes called lucky cats, fortune cat, happy cat) are those freaky ceramic (I’m confused here, are they Japanese? Or Chinese?) battery operated pawing (Wikipedia claims its a beckoning motion) cats you see at the front counter when picking up your Chinese food. Am I the only one who fully expects a throw back buddy comedy-action movie starring Mel Gibson/Danny Glover? Wesley Snipes/Woody Harrelson? Woody Allen/Estelle Getty? When you say or read the very words: “Money Cat”?

Plain, and simple these things just freak me out to no end. Wikipedia may indeed be convinced that they are “beckoning” good fortune but I always make sure I have had my latest tetanus shot when I am any where near them. Who is to say ceramic battery operated (may possibly be possessed) kitty does not have metal Freddy Krueger claws? (Down cat! Down! I just want my sweet & sour chicken and egg rolls!)

AWWW.. Hello Kitty!

AWWW.. Hello Kitty!

Evil money cat could learn a thing or two from “Hello Kitty”. Now, there is a cat who is cute, welcoming, and apparently has more money than Barbie has dream houses. She’s everywhere, not just relocated to Chinese restaurants.

I want to rock and roll all night and Hello Kitty everyday

I want to rock and roll all night and Hello Kitty everyday

Kiss (the rock group, not the form of public affection) Hello Kitty? Yes..

Dr. Dre only wishes his headphones were this cool

Dr. Dre only wishes his headphones were this cool

Hello Kitty bling headphones? Yes.. Hello Kitty the flame thrower? Well.. ok there are scientists who are still working on that. So it just makes more sense to me that if your goal is to lure good fortune, money, and good luck your direction than you would want good fortune, money, good luck, and potential customers to say: “Hello Kitty!” and not want to run out in a panic.

How to stick out like a soar thumb when traveling down south without really trying.

jackie-gleason1

I don’t live down south, and most of my family does. We all come from “up north” originally, its just pretty much everyone else except me has moved. My wife and I made a trip to have a family reunion of sorts to Georgia. We live in Ohio. This became important information really quickly because once we crossed into Georgia territory we would stop somewhere, (to say get gas, or whatever) open our mouths, say something, and instantly get this response: “Yalllllll aint from around here are ya?”

Then we made the biggest mistake we could have ever made: When prompted for the umpteenth time we were not from around those parts we told someone we from Ohio to which the immediate response was: “General Sherman was from Ohio and he Burned Atlanta”!.

So, as you can see, The Civil War is still being fought down south (oooops I mean the “War Of Northern Agression”) and weather or not you or your family tree may may have been responsible, if your a “Yankee” the whole sorted history comes with it.

Then there was the time we stopped in this small town (think Mayberry meets village of the damned) and when I went into a store and I swear every single man and woman in that store did indeed look like they just stepped out of an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show”. This also was the same time my former mullet (admit it you had one too at least once) graduated to a full blown rat tail. (yes I had that thing for quite a while) Add the earring in my left ear and I have full confidence they also found me to be equally strange looking.

Despite the fact I was born, raised, and have lived in Ohio most of my life I actually have lived in Georgia for a small amount of time. During that time I did become more acclimated to the south and here (in no particular order) is a set of rules to help you NOT to stick out like a sore thumb:

When ordering food at a restaurant make sure you order hush puppies, (and or) biscuits, gravy, and gravy to go with your gravy.

If invited to a BBQ at a friend or coworkers place its okay (and encouraged) to tell them “the food was so good it made you want to smack your momma” (but please don’t really smack your momma)

Sweet tea (properly pronounced swaaaytee) Is always the beverage of choice unless your having yourself a Coca-cola (properly pronounced Cohcola)

The south will rise again. In all its Camaro Z28, mullet with #3 etched in the side (RIP Dale Earnhardt), Hank Williams and Hank Williams Jr rebel flag waving glory

If your trying convince someone you know The area around Atlanta fairly well always refer to: the MARTA, The big chicken (google image it folks, there really is a KFC with big chicken in front) or “The Varsity” (the best fast food hamburgers you will ever eat home slice)

When you visit Georgia you expect good Ole Boys with guns, but you really don’t want to mess with the Georgia Patrol, because now your talking good Ole boys with guns and badges and that’s a whole other level of crazy you don’t want to mess with.

(WordPress Weekly-writing-challenge) “The French Bread” gets a surprise Visit

Gustav and Hans Hard at work

Gustav and Hans Hard at work

(http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/weekly-writing-challenge-1000-words-three/comment-page-1/#comment-195007)

Finally, after years of hard work Gustav, and Hans received word that a Major well known world class chef was going to dine at, and review their restaurant. Five years of hard work, attention to every detail, and social media marketing has led to this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Sally was hired a year ago to be the official “Social Media Food Guru” and helped Gustav, and Hans both understand the impact and importance of social networking. Before long she was blogging, WordPressing, Facebooking, tweeting, and making connections with Michael Symon, Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, and the likes of Masaharu Morimoto.

Eventually “The French Bread” became the talk of the town and the internet. The truly transcendent meals, decadent deserts, and impeccable service was the absolute best business model that could have ever been devised. Business was so good that the large demand from the public actually forced them to have to turn away customers during dinner hours.

The funny thing though about social networking, and not keeping a more diligent control over what “accidentally” drops into both your email in-box and spam folder is what can really make a large difference between being in contact with a world class chef and a Muppet.

swedish1

The “Swedish Chef” certainly deserves respect as a “World Class Chef”, but in hindsight (and careful review of events in the past) there was no due diligence put into who the Chef’s “Plus one” was going to be, and further more who and what entailed as “accompanying party” that would come along.

What is known after all the confusion, mayhem, food flinging, steak juggling, ceiling fan riding, fryer cannonball contest, poultry (both real and Muppet) puppet show, “spaghetti western” (don’t ask), pancake eating contest, waffle eating contest, patron heckling (gosh those old guys are annoying), some “animal” eating most of the major utensils, overall shenanigans, and the eventual burning down of “The French Bread” is that a character who is known as the “Great Gonzo” was indeed the linchpin to the whole string of events.

Gonzo1

“The French Bread” does not hold “The Swedish Chef” accountable for any of the events and has put out a $10,000.00 reward for any information leading to the arrest of “Gonzo the great” and his band of Merry Muppet pals.

The inconvenience of convenience

English: The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Mem...

English: The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Memphis, Tennessee. The first self service grocery store, opened 1916. Français : Le premier supermarché Piggly Wiggly ouvert en 1916 à Memphis, Tennessee (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What exactly has this world come to? I sat in front of my television and saw a commercial about a reality show where “old people” had to school younger people on how to use a paper map. Really?? has your smart phone made you that dumb? Yes I know your tempted to do origami or draw a huge X with crossbones and maybe a lovely topless mermaid. Been there, done that, fold section C and match it to sub section H, no wait that’s the end page to a Mad Magazine never mind.

I finally decide to get up and run some errands. We need some milk, orange juice (I prefer not to call it OJ ever since the real OJ went on a killing spree and led a parade down the LA freeway in a white bronco) and some toilet paper. Seems simple enough. I make my way to the grocery store, but before I full on commit to that task I need to put some gas into the car. I pull up, get out, and now I have to find my fuel discount barcode encrusted thingy hanging off my key chain. Henry’s garage & oil change? No I haven’t been to Eureka in such a long time.. .. mega movie rental?.. really?? do I still have that??.. Bab’s and Narcolepsy book store?, no.. Cardmart for when you want to send the very best alien greetings? no.. ah! Here it is! My Waltman, krogic, eagle, aldonic, hershy, savings & loan, fish market, grocery, mega sports, Indian casino, and fresh food market savings pass! (a light shines down from the police helicopter flying over head)

I step up to the gas pump and Ahhhhh!!! its talking to me! Holy crap! Its a commercial on a monitor in a cage bolted to the top of the pump. Really?? don’t I have enough commercials to contend with? Oh the irony, the talking head inside the cage on the monitor is talking about security. Maybe if I look away the talking head will leave me the heck alone.

Now comes the Indian Casino part. Now that I have taken the time to find my savings pass how much is it going to save me? Big money.. big money.. big money.. NO whammies!.. oh crap! 3 cents a gallon just for all of that? Now the talking head has changed and can message you the picture of the windshield technician straight to your phone. Um..creepy and no thanks.. just out of curiosity though if he messes up my windshield do I get to send a blurred out picture of a rude hand gesture back? Sure, it’s okay for you to have my personal info so you can send me more marketing and spam but I can’t have yours? Fail!

Finally its grocery store time. I have to steer clear of the girl scouts, cub scouts, honey ham mongers, burglar alarm sales geeks, old ladies selling flowers, old guys selling hats and flags, and one suspicious looking greasy bald guy selling what looks like old car parts. No thanks, no thanks, no thanks, gave at the bank, give me a break, outa my way baldy! Finally! I am inside! The angles sing! No wait.. that’s the local high school choir hitting me up for a donation..dang it! Sample lady, sample lady, overly friendly “shopping helper” , kid in a kart, kid in a kart, hot mom.. wait.. hot mom?.. hmmmm… I am sorry what was I doing again? Ms. Let me show you my cleavage distracted me (and that doesn’t take much) when bending over to put her pop into her kid infused kart. My wedding ring reaches up and smacks me back to the task on hand.

Milk, milk, lemonade, hey! Look the bakery where fudge is made! (homer impression) mmmmmmmmmm… fudge. I got milk, where’s the OJ? Oh shoot! I just called it OJ. White bronco, white bronco, misfitting glove section, knives, ah! Orange Juice! Tada! Oh crap.. its hot mom’s sister Ms Tattoo on cleavage and tramp stamp so that there is no safe place to rest your eyes is up ahead. Must avert kart to baby section and birth control section that will scare her off. Whew! I have never been so glad to see an older lady in orthopedic hose in my life. I am not sure what she’s doing in the baby section and I don’t have time for a round of 20 questions with Ms granny nanny here.

Toilet paper! Ah it was the next aisle over. Now I can make my way to the check out. Now here is where it gets really interesting: I have to jockey back and forth trying to choose which lane I can hopefully get through the fastest without having to have an obligatory awkward conversation with the grocery buying party in front or back of me. Oh Look! Its secret agent polo shirt person! You can tell he/she works there because of the matching dockers and polo shirt. They are secret agents because when not talking to you they are always talking into the hands free earpiece thingamabobs. A suggestion is made to use the self check out station.

Welcome! Ahhhh!! its talking to me also! Make it stop. Savings card thing again? Holy crap using this thing to save 3 cents a gallon is getting to be a chore. Beep! Scanned electronic dirt bag! “please put the item in the bag!” its in the bag douche bag!.. its just not on your stamp sized weight sensory whatever you call it. Oh geesh now secret agent polo shirt person has to either put in the NASA launch code or some kind of lets just get along code. “Please put the item in the bag” (clenches fist) “do you have any coupons?” are your serious?? “please take your receipt, your items and have a nice day” sure easy for you to say.

I finally get home with the items I intended and my wife says: “what took you so long?” I put items away, go into bedroom and promptly scream into a pillow.