All this blog Needs is a Buzz Phrase

Act Now and in 38000 easy payments (that’s less than a cost of a cup of coffee folks) these scrubbing bubbles with activate the activated charcoal along with these scientifically proven moisture pockets residing within the patented vortex wind funnel cleaning wand.

That sure got your attention Huh? Wow that was exciting! I could just picture myself wet-dry cleaning an elephant and even the elephant’s wrinkles would be squeaky clean. Finally! Heck knows even elephants deserve clean wrinkles.

Everywhere I look it seems there are MADMEN creating brilliantly annoying advertising campaign’s just lousy with buzz phrases. (Or is that lousy advertising with annoying buzz phrases??) Only in commercials do we find out that Bounty is the quicker picker upper (I would hate to see it be the slower, I will get that tomorrow, non-picker downer), Gerber’s baby food has Comfort Proteins, Zip lock bags have snap and fresh seal technology, Fresh Step Cat Litter has activated freshness molecules, and further learn that it only takes wearing a lab coat and a buzz phrase and voila! I can convince you that super-duper smart scientists worked around the clock (with no bathroom break mind you) to create this thigamabob that makes your life complete.

I have some burning questions: Is secret really strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? And will a man blow up into a bazillion little pieces if he wears it any way? Is Irish Spring made in Ireland? Are the thoughts of a dead turkey wrapped in Reynolds wrap protected against Alien thought invasion? Are Colgate cleaning molecules treated differently at the local bar as opposed to regular molecules? Are flavor pockets related to Flavor Flav? (yeeeeeeeee boy) and just what exactly is dry weave technology?

I am beginning to suspect the writers who used to create the techno-babble heard in a Star Trek episode now make up buzz phrases heard in commercials. Maybe if I employ the interlocking viral blog packets then its slightly possible fiber optic cyber freshness seal molecules will dry weave a nice cardigan sweater for me.

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Don’t Look now there is a sexy vampire following you

English: A screenshot from Dracula Italiano: U...

English: A screenshot from Dracula Italiano: Uno screenshot del film Dracula (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twilight, the twilight movie franchise, the twilight book franchise, true blood, vampire dairies, twilight the flash light, twilight the place mat, twilight the toilet paper, and vampire dairies the shrimp fork all have one thing in common: Sexy vampires.

Your grandma had Max Shreck (as Nosferatu ). There was no doubt in any ones mind Vampires were weird looking, ugly, disagreeable, spent a lot of time not saying a lot, wanted to drink your blood, liked playing with shadow puppets, and meant to harm you.

Your dad (and possibly mom although she refuses to talk about it) had Bela Lugosi (as Dracula). He was dressed well to do looked like he should be vamping up and down Park Avenue but it was still pretty clear he just wanted to be a evil blood sucking king of the vampires in a tuxedo and coat tails.

Now Vampires have to be hunky, sexy, alluring, wearing Vampire couture, has to know how to be filled with angst, have great hair, be elusive, be mysterious, look great in a tight Hot Topic T-shirt, and memorize confusing dialogue involving shape shifters, witches, werewolves, magic, doppelgangers, cemeteries, and “how do I get get blood out of my laundry?” dry cleaning bills.

Max and Bela just would not make the grade. They don’t test well with modern audiences, don’t know how to work a red carpet event, don’t sparkle in any way possible, don’t know how to work a comic con room, and no one wants to bid $10,000.00 on a cocktail napkin they used on Ebay.

Sounds like way too much pressure to me. Isn’t it enough be eternal? Do you even have any idea how boring the late 1700’s were? And seriously, someone please make up their mind. Am I a bat? Or a vampire? And now I have to look good at 8am making witty morning talk show banter while plugging the new vampire whatever thing? Yuck. I need a upside down nap, someone please wake me up when I can go back to being a ordinary vampire.

Next time you apply and interview for a job make sure you learn to read minds

I have a wonderful job. I have a wonderful job with a good company, I actually enjoy what I do and I feel like I get treated very well where I work. Seriously, yes I know I should just pinch myself, count my blessing and call it day. In a economy where just having a job alone is a commodity and there are thousands among thousands of people working stupid jobs for stupid people for long stupid hours for seriously stupid pay I fully do realize I have won the lottery in the career department.

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Hire me puuuleeeze!

Despite all of this I know there is more out there for me. When I say more I don’t really mean more than what I already have. I mean I know there are departments within the company (fortunately for me I work for a extremely large corporation with jobs and positions all over the world) I already work for that would better suit the hours and possibly even career interests that I want.

I currently do call center work and have been doing so for 18 years. My voice, humor, attention to detail, love for connecting with people, and ability to multitask have been my bread and butter for quite a while. For my current employer I will be celebrating my 2 year anniversary in august. Through the encouragement of my team leader/supervisor I decided to start looking around internally for positions that may better fit the hours I would much rather have along with a (hopefully) better fit to my career goals.

Believe it or not despite the fact call center work has been my bread butter for a long time it doesn’t necessarily mean its what I would much rather be doing. So I took my supervisors advice and started to look. When you work for a large global corporation like I do its amazing, mind numbing, and almost hilarious the (what seems like) zillions of positions, position titles (just what exactly does a “Operation data mining specialist” do? And how did it get that title?) and descriptions that flooded my computer screen.

Since I currently have no interest in working in foreign countries (foreign to the United States Of America that is) I refined my search query to the local area where I live and have actually interviewed for 3 positions. Its been a cathartic experience trying to explain what I currently do (although they have a basic idea), what a typical day is like for me, and just how?? those skills, activities, attributes, ect do really (no really I swear) fit into what they are looking for. Its like trying to read their minds on what exactly it is they value, are looking for, and trying to figure out what exact maze they expect you to master before they give you access to the cheese. (did some one say cheese?)

During one interview with a lady in a department in the same building I work at acted like she was trying to talk me out of the position. She made it very clear the position was very demanding, I would have to keep my calls within a certain time frame, and make absolutely certain I code/disposition/memo the call/inquiry correctly. I knew for a fact I was up for the challenge but she seemed to have her mind made up. Because I come from a customer service department where we have a tendency to take a little more time on the phone with the customers to make sure all their inquiries/needs are met I would not be able to adjust to the tighter time constraints. Lets just say there was no surprise when I received the dreaded “thanks but no thanks” internal email.

At least she “Interviewed” (or at least pretended to) me to give me the no thanks. I have been submitting applications and cover letters left and right. I even got a no thanks without even a interview from my company’s social media/twitter team (NO seriously I could not believe they had one either). I am still not sure what skills/talents/whatever they deem as worthy for this team. They obviously don’t have any clue that computers/technology/ and the internet are my playground and that I am all the map in this area.

The fear of commitment

Smiley Face

Smiley Face (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The following ad hock legaleez mumbo jumbo staggeringly winded, strangely inclusive in almost all life situations is a non-compliant non-commitment commitment to commit to not commit.

As such when you the 4th party sign do knowingly sign here, initial here, sign here, print your name there, make your mark here, draw a smiley face there, put your thumb print here, turn page 576 upside down and list all declarations that need to be declared, print your name here, include your address there, make a origami duck out of page 98, list your social security 20 times on page 6789435, list your favorite cartoon character over here, sign your name as if you were queen/king of the universe on attachment P956, make a pencil drawing of a rabbit here, and raise your right hand while taking the Mr. potato oath of mashed potato justice commit to the non-compliant non-commitment commitment to commit to not commit legal and biding document.

To finalize, realize, detailize, specialize, adhere to, stick to, and generalize this agreement please listen to this verbal meandering disclosure and leave a comment of commitment below.

Gordon Gekko was not lying when he said “Greed is Good”

 

 

Chris Gardner, the inspiration for the film &q...

Chris Gardner, the inspiration for the film “The Pursuit of Happyness” with Will Smith (Photo credit: dbking)

In the movie “Wall Street” Michael Douglas plays sleazy Corporate fat cat “Gordon Gekko” and makes the now infamous and overly repeated (yes I realize I am further repeating it here) catch phrase “Greed is good”. The most obvious way to interpret this is by saying he was encouraging the rich to get richer even if its at the expense of the poor getting poorer. 

I have noticed there seems to be an awful lot of talk like never before about the rich getter richer and the poor getting poorer. It almost seems like a national obsession at this point. It also feels like there is a unhealthy singular focus on how much of something most of us don’t have, and how much of something someone else has. 

I get it, no argument from me the economy sucks. Since I personally have never made a six figure income and don’t know what its like to go from living in a expensive home to living in more meager means I just cant relate to those who have. So from my already meager existence stand point not much has changed for me or my wife. Living hand to mouth is just as routine as as my morning coffee.

I would like to submit that “Greed Is Good” can be redefined in a way where it’s encouraging all of us to NOT to loose our piss and vinegar despite how crappy the economy is. I get a lot of this idea and attitude from my mom. She supported 3 children (obviously including myself) on a median income and still had the nerve to be larger than life itself. Its all attitude folks, look at extreme sport icons Shaun white, or  Travis Pastrana both started out very, very young. So young in fact I cant imagine their parents being anything else but horrified when they would insist on doing dangerous stunts. 

They both have one key element in common: when it came to the dangerous and horrified part neither one it seemed to get the memo on that issue. They were just having fun. I’m a cheesy guy, I tell myself things in the form of movie quotes that really crystallize my real life attitude. A quick Karate Kid Fear does not exist in this dojo, a robust Han Solo Never tell me the odds, a sincere James T. Kirk there is no no win scenario, I get to the day by being Top Gun and telling myself to kick the tires and light the fires, that I have the need, the need for speed, and when I win the moment I say: yeeeeeehaw jester’s dead. 

Get out there folks, stop crying in your cheap coffee and beer, make yourself a tuna salad sandwich because eating out is out of the question, and be the windshield, not the bug. Greed is good, grab life by the throat and make it dance monkey dance.