English: The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Memphis, Tennessee. The first self service grocery store, opened 1916. Français : Le premier supermarché Piggly Wiggly ouvert en 1916 à Memphis, Tennessee (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
What exactly has this world come to? I sat in front of my television and saw a commercial about a reality show where “old people” had to school younger people on how to use a paper map. Really?? has your smart phone made you that dumb? Yes I know your tempted to do origami or draw a huge X with crossbones and maybe a lovely topless mermaid. Been there, done that, fold section C and match it to sub section H, no wait that’s the end page to a Mad Magazine never mind.
I finally decide to get up and run some errands. We need some milk, orange juice (I prefer not to call it OJ ever since the real OJ went on a killing spree and led a parade down the LA freeway in a white bronco) and some toilet paper. Seems simple enough. I make my way to the grocery store, but before I full on commit to that task I need to put some gas into the car. I pull up, get out, and now I have to find my fuel discount barcode encrusted thingy hanging off my key chain. Henry’s garage & oil change? No I haven’t been to Eureka in such a long time.. .. mega movie rental?.. really?? do I still have that??.. Bab’s and Narcolepsy book store?, no.. Cardmart for when you want to send the very best alien greetings? no.. ah! Here it is! My Waltman, krogic, eagle, aldonic, hershy, savings & loan, fish market, grocery, mega sports, Indian casino, and fresh food market savings pass! (a light shines down from the police helicopter flying over head)
I step up to the gas pump and Ahhhhh!!! its talking to me! Holy crap! Its a commercial on a monitor in a cage bolted to the top of the pump. Really?? don’t I have enough commercials to contend with? Oh the irony, the talking head inside the cage on the monitor is talking about security. Maybe if I look away the talking head will leave me the heck alone.
Now comes the Indian Casino part. Now that I have taken the time to find my savings pass how much is it going to save me? Big money.. big money.. big money.. NO whammies!.. oh crap! 3 cents a gallon just for all of that? Now the talking head has changed and can message you the picture of the windshield technician straight to your phone. Um..creepy and no thanks.. just out of curiosity though if he messes up my windshield do I get to send a blurred out picture of a rude hand gesture back? Sure, it’s okay for you to have my personal info so you can send me more marketing and spam but I can’t have yours? Fail!
Finally its grocery store time. I have to steer clear of the girl scouts, cub scouts, honey ham mongers, burglar alarm sales geeks, old ladies selling flowers, old guys selling hats and flags, and one suspicious looking greasy bald guy selling what looks like old car parts. No thanks, no thanks, no thanks, gave at the bank, give me a break, outa my way baldy! Finally! I am inside! The angles sing! No wait.. that’s the local high school choir hitting me up for a donation..dang it! Sample lady, sample lady, overly friendly “shopping helper” , kid in a kart, kid in a kart, hot mom.. wait.. hot mom?.. hmmmm… I am sorry what was I doing again? Ms. Let me show you my cleavage distracted me (and that doesn’t take much) when bending over to put her pop into her kid infused kart. My wedding ring reaches up and smacks me back to the task on hand.
Milk, milk, lemonade, hey! Look the bakery where fudge is made! (homer impression) mmmmmmmmmm… fudge. I got milk, where’s the OJ? Oh shoot! I just called it OJ. White bronco, white bronco, misfitting glove section, knives, ah! Orange Juice! Tada! Oh crap.. its hot mom’s sister Ms Tattoo on cleavage and tramp stamp so that there is no safe place to rest your eyes is up ahead. Must avert kart to baby section and birth control section that will scare her off. Whew! I have never been so glad to see an older lady in orthopedic hose in my life. I am not sure what she’s doing in the baby section and I don’t have time for a round of 20 questions with Ms granny nanny here.
Toilet paper! Ah it was the next aisle over. Now I can make my way to the check out. Now here is where it gets really interesting: I have to jockey back and forth trying to choose which lane I can hopefully get through the fastest without having to have an obligatory awkward conversation with the grocery buying party in front or back of me. Oh Look! Its secret agent polo shirt person! You can tell he/she works there because of the matching dockers and polo shirt. They are secret agents because when not talking to you they are always talking into the hands free earpiece thingamabobs. A suggestion is made to use the self check out station.
Welcome! Ahhhh!! its talking to me also! Make it stop. Savings card thing again? Holy crap using this thing to save 3 cents a gallon is getting to be a chore. Beep! Scanned electronic dirt bag! “please put the item in the bag!” its in the bag douche bag!.. its just not on your stamp sized weight sensory whatever you call it. Oh geesh now secret agent polo shirt person has to either put in the NASA launch code or some kind of lets just get along code. “Please put the item in the bag” (clenches fist) “do you have any coupons?” are your serious?? “please take your receipt, your items and have a nice day” sure easy for you to say.
I finally get home with the items I intended and my wife says: “what took you so long?” I put items away, go into bedroom and promptly scream into a pillow.