Toasters need Love too

A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )

Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.

Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.

If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:

  • Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant

  • Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned

  • GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction

  • Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s

  • Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been

  • Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting

  • Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea

Advertisements

Tuesdays with the Toaster

Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.

Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.

Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.

I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??

Next time you travel in time make sure you get caught on camera or video

Recently the internet turned 20. We were promised a lot of things when we all first connected through our US Robotics 56K external modem. We were going be able to electronically chat with a perfect stranger in Saskatoon Canada, solve static cling, patiently wait 20 minutes for a image to flicker across our computer screens, and email our nana’s asking her to make that nice pudding pie next time we come over.

Flash forward to present day and most of our “phones” have more computing power than 30 of the original clunky beige desk top computers we used. Were twittering, photo tagging, instagraming, photo bombing, and video taping (and then posting) anything and everything.

In light of all this, a new phenomenon has cropped up on the internet: Time travelers. Supposedly untouched, un-photoshopped, unaltered pictures and videos of both ordinary people and ?celebrity’s? Happily going about their day picking up milk, dropping off laundry at the cleaners, catching a ball game, and oh yeah stopping by the 1800’s, early 1900’s, and making sure they get their picture taken, photo bombing a picture being taken, or get caught using what suspiciously looks like a cell phone while being filmed.

nick_cage1

I am still not sure how on earth (besides maybe say using common sense) Nicholas Cage is ever going to convince anyone anywhere he is NOT a vampire. I guess being a time traveling undead actor/Vampire must not have any advantages that would help you pay your debt with the IRS. Poor Nick, he’s been making pictures since the civil era and he STILL has not paid his debt off.

John Travolta ebay ambrotype photo

Then there is his “Face Off” acting buddy John Travolta. Sure, Johnny boy can fly you, his wife, his film crew, and a couple of schnauzers in his plane to the secret island of misfit Scientologist’s but he’s got to travel back in time for a photo session with old and timey international.

Timetravel_woman2

Being a mom is sooooo demanding. Lets see, playroom cleaned, check, minivan detailed, check, box wine for momma, check, Lottery tickets, check, get caught on old film using cell phone yelling at ungrateful children who painted the cat green and left the ground beef out too long, check.

jay_z1

And most recently we added Jay-Z. Wikipedia describes J-Z as an American Rapper, record producer, entrepreneur, and occasional actor. I guess it’s my duty to add Vampire-time traveler to the list. Why is it my job? I can only guess Jay-Z has a fleet of public relations minions, tweeters, photo shoppers, and social media guru’s (no really.. they are actual guru’s with the leather flip-flops and wardrobe) who can make sure the Wikipedia post gets up dated. We certainly would not want any one to be unaware that time traveling is another skill set that can be used for any potential projects.