“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

Give us a (awkward) hug

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Is it me? Or is there a younger, hipper, less emotionally damaged generation who is hell bent on hugging? Now mind you, I am not stating for the record that I am against hugs. They are great!… but only from a select few people I actually would like to receive one from. The approved hug list pretty much revolves family and close friends. Even then there are exceptions to the rules I have put in place as to who exactly I will and wont hug. Complete strangers are not totally of the question (like say: Sofía Vergara can hug me anytime she wants) it just has to go through my very complicated application process.

Don’t even get me started on “group hugs”. UGH no thanks, I would much rather be bitten by a Vampire covered in leaches being half eaten by a zombie killer shark from another planet. Then there is the completely random, UN-announced, so not expected hug. Yes it has happened to me, and can I say? I am not so much of a fan. Fist bump? Heck yeah! (and make it explode on the way out) hand shake? Yes! (I welcome a firm hand shake) but hugging is just something completely personal, in my personal space, and needs approval. (I will send you a application form to fill out)

A friend, and Pastor of mine is a hugger. I learned real quick to be hugged with our without my permission. I love God, and I love you sir, but can I just give you a handshake? Or a high five? At this point I want to invent a hug proof vest. (unless you are Sofía Vergara)

Confessions

When I was younger a local lady in the neighborhood told me she had a baby in her belly. I went around telling people she ate her baby.

When Marcia Brady was hit in the face with a football I was indeed rooting for the football

I did not actually switch to Tide Coldwater like I told the lady in the elevator I did the other day

The entry: “Warrior Ninja Master Of Disguise” on my Linkedin profile is not true. I only added it to impress my Karate master.

I did so yeah huh win the go-fish, scrabble, Star Trek hide and seek tournament held at Tommy Franklin’s house back in 77. Yeah huh times infinity

Purple is NOT my favorite color, blue is, and I am glad I finally got that off my chest

At night I am working on a laser beam that tuns lady bugs into not-so-lady bugs who are strangely attracted to light bulbs painted red

Next time you save the universe make sure you know how to google reverse sku search, diagnose hardware and software issues, and make a step by step electronics fix it book for your wife

What’s in my Computer Bits Bag (Photo credit: Nick J Adams)

Oh the joy of being a geeky, tech nerd from planet X (the planet insists on remaining unknown for its own protection). It has its ups and downs. On the plus side I do know my way around computers, digital watches ( who needs to wear a watch any more?), remote controls, hard drives, mouses, printers, software, HTML coding, wireless networks, wireless routers, google searching, and most electronic things and gadgets.

On the down side when your friends and family members slowly begin to figure out your a wiz at most to anything technology related you then become the designated Nerd-A-Lert tech support. My computer is broke! How do I tell my DVR to play the dolby digital sound sound signal instead of the analog signal? How do I stream Netflix to my TV? How do I post this picture from another website to facebook? How do I get my VCR to stop flashing 12:00?? (first get rid of the VCR and get yourself a blue ray player to start with) The questions never seem to end.

My hands down favorite story is when a friend of mine was looking a light bulb. Now mind you, this was no ordinary light bulb. He owns a business that has security lighting (the kind you would see in a parking lot) and that security lighting uses special bulbs you just cant go to the store or even Lowes to just pick up. His daughter (who ran the business for him) brought the box the bulb came in in an effort to help track down where exactly you can get a hold of this elusive/exotic bulb. Because my friend rubs elbows with other rich business big shots (he hates it that I call him that) he was actually on the phone with another rich business big shot who does a lot of major industrial electrical business asking him of all people where he might be able to get a replacement bulb. I calmly asked my friend (while he was still on the phone) if the box on the table was the box the bulb came in, asked if I could go into his “computer room” to use the computer. Approximately 2 to 3 minutes later (using a google SKU reverse search technique I can’t explain to you) I yelled out from the computer room: “Hey dude! Is this what your looking for?” pointing at a picture of bulb being sold through a specialty online retailer. The only down side to this story is now my friend expects me to solve every technical problem he has (I love you guy but I am going to have to start to charge for my services).

Then there is my lovely bride (gosh I love her so much). She stays at home when I go to work and she MUST (and I do mean must) have her cable TV to help her keep entertained while I am away (heck knows I provide enough entertainment when I am at home). She calls me now and then when the power goes out (& back on) and makes the DVR go crazy. Its then my geeky hubby duty to diagnose and resolve the entertainment to DVR to TV issues she is having. If you have ever seen a grown man speak in sweet low tech easy to understand terms while pounding his head on the nearest wall you just might have seen me without realizing it. I swear I am going to make a step by step book (with visuals) just for my sweat heart for when this happens.

Even more reasons why they need to put the word Fun back into the word Funeral

The Photo Funeral
what seems like a very long time ago my wife’s grandmother (on her dad’s side) passed away. My wife and I dated for a couple of years before getting married. Beyond one trip to visit the extended family on his side I don’t really remember a lot of contact with the Woman. To me she was a complete stranger, and it seemed obvious to me my wife did not feel very close to her either. If you want to be a decent human being and not seem like a total waste of human flesh you do what you do. You show up for at least the viewing (a concept I have yet to fully wrap my mind around). My wife and I do the obligatory viewing, and then sit down. Next thing I know my wife’s sister is toting a camera and taking pictures. I don’t mean pictures of family members, I mean pictures of Grandma. In her casket. Okay, I have a small understanding this very well is a way for some people to remember their loved ones but I have to be honest to say it totally freaked me out. From that point forward I have made a concerted effort to never, and I do mean Never be caught looking at slides, photo albums, photo video montages at my sister in-laws house for fear the pictures will go from smiling faces, happy moments to dead people in caskets.

I’m sorry, what way to the bathroom again?
Later on, here I was at yet another funeral of a family member on my wife’s dad’s side. Thankfully I don’t remember any camera action during this funeral but the absolute hands down most memorable moment was when I asked where I could locate the Men’s bathroom. A lady staff member pointed past me. I looked at the direction she was pointing, looked back at her (I must have had the worlds most perplexed look on my face) and made sure. Again, looking annoyed she has to point again, I confirmed she was indeed pointing in the direction I thought she was. Through yet another viewing room and yes there was whole other viewing taking place in that very room at the same time. All I could picture was me getting accosted on my way to the bathroom by a random stranger saying something like: “hey! Cousin Ed! (not my name) and then being forced to pay last respects to “Nanna” while people look at me weird trying to figure out why their cousin Ed has changed so much.

Baloons for Grandma

believe it or not the networks do have cool stuff on the news. CBS has a reporter named Steve Hartman who used to do these awesome segments where he would randomly pick a name out of a telephone book to prove that everybody has a interesting story. He found a single mother and her son and quickly figured out because the little boy had a wonderful personality and acute mind the real story was with him. while Steve and a crew of camera people followed this boy around the boy asked if they would like to come along with him so he could give his grandma a few helium balloons. They followed the boy to a local flower shop where the boy bought 2 red helium balloons with his allowance. The crew then continued to give the boy a ride to his destination as he gave directions. Fully expecting to come to a house where the boys grandma lived the boy had them stop at a grassy hill top. The boy simply ran to the edge of the hill top and let the balloons go. Perplexed Steve asked what just happened and the boy just simply stated: Grandma is in heaven, I give her balloons for her to catch.