“The Lake house” is only proof The Postal system is more screwed up than you thought it was.

Yes, yes, yes I fully realize that the movie “The Lake House” came out in 20016 (thanks for ruining my day GOOGLE!). When A lonely doctor (Sandra Bullock), who once lived in a beautiful lakeside home, falls in love via letters with its latest resident, a frustrated architect (Keanu Reeves). When they discover that they are living two years apart, the pair must unravel the mystery behind their incredible romance.Blah, blah, blah lets get to the time traveling shenanigans pulled off  by The United States Postal System shall we?? Hmmmm?

Any time I bring up this topic in polite conversation over dinner, lunch, coffee, or a random ice cream cone inevitably the focus goes to the Mail box at “The Lake House”. The person trying to make their point gets all dreamy eyed looking and says something like: “its a magical Mail box”. Normally at this point I want to tussle their hair and respond back sarcastically: “That’s right sport, Love conquers all and stuff”..  Its not their fault they react and respond this way because that is exactly what the movie wants you to do. It wants you to think there is something mystical, magical, possibly romantic about the process of letters traveling through time. The movie is a puff piece, a blatant piece of Hollywood propaganda. The bitter truth is (a much larger pill to swallow, and inconvenient truth that doesn’t test well with movie audiences) OUR POSTAL SYSTEM SUCKS!!

Here,  let me prove my point just a moment. Lets take the same exact premise of “The Lake House” and apply it to a very large settlement check both the lonely doctor and the frustrated architect are expecting from the same large Bank for very similar reasons.(public transportation bus going faster than 50 MPH, or a Boating Accident lets say) Your focus would quickly go from gushy romantic movie  to frustrating “Check is in the Time traveling mail/postal system” movie in a heart beat. Why?? because you got bills to pay and the stupid stupid postal person sure is not going to pay them.

 

 

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

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Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

Calling all no name actors

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I recently read on the internet that Warner Brothers is wanting to do a remake/reboot of “The Island Of Dr. Moreau” . I quickly posted on Facebook that I would not mind a remake since the previous incarnations were lackluster at best. I personally feel a slick/dark “Contagion” meets “Jurassic Park” meets “The Walking Dead” horror/thriller that scares the crap out of audiences while keeping them on the edge of their seat would be a welcomed version of the H.G Wells classic. Unfortunately it seems the project is attached to Leonardo Dicaprio and Jennifer Davisson Killoran.

I say unfortunately because I have no idea if this means big names starring in a big lavish production that means well but misses the opportunity to really harness the potential unseen spooky/horror/thriller bite the project/movie could really have. Already I am scared its going to be a big trussed up boat going no where (need I remind everyone of the ham handed “Prometheus”??) because its being described as a Sci-Fi film with a topical ecological message. Ugh.. I already can see the save the earth, tree hugging everyone in the theater please hold hands and sing kumbaya overkill.

Not its not an important message to save the earth but I cant say enough how I would much rather see a movie that pulls on the same paranoia strings that Contagion and Jurassic Park does allowing the belief that this could really happen and its coming after you.. like now.

Can I point out to well meaning Hollywood studios that a lot can be learned from movies like “The Blair Witch Project”, The Original “Alien”, “The Descent”, “Night Of The Living Dead” and a gaggle of other movies that was made on a shoe string budget with no name actors? Sometimes less is more folks.

Don’t look now, the Government is watching you watch a movie about the Government watching you

Open lap top, open a internet browser window, get a pop up. Pop up has a virus hoping to access your webcam. Right click.. get a message about adult diapers. You just sent a email joking about adult diapers and now every time you go to look at your email account there is a advertisement with a balding man looking ashamed he has to wear adult diapers. You click a picture of Edward Snowden and 10 days later your being audited by the IRS. You go to Yahoo movies, click on showtime’s for movies. A bush rustles near your kitchen window. You decide to see: “Closed Circuit” with Eric Bana. Its a “fictional thriller” about people being watched by the government. Your feeling overly paranoid so you try to choose between wearing your favorite tinfoil hat or the entire tinfoil suit you made one Saturday afternoon. GPS off, black masking tape over webcam, and you put on your NON squeaky shoes. Check,and check, you see a man across the street who looks like Tommy Lee Jones as a MIB. That is his happy face, the Government just admitted area 51 really does exist and he no longer has to be a personal body guard to a slimy alien. Now where did you put those sunglasses you DIY’d into a pair of night vision goggles???

Don’t Look now there is a sexy vampire following you

English: A screenshot from Dracula Italiano: U...

English: A screenshot from Dracula Italiano: Uno screenshot del film Dracula (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twilight, the twilight movie franchise, the twilight book franchise, true blood, vampire dairies, twilight the flash light, twilight the place mat, twilight the toilet paper, and vampire dairies the shrimp fork all have one thing in common: Sexy vampires.

Your grandma had Max Shreck (as Nosferatu ). There was no doubt in any ones mind Vampires were weird looking, ugly, disagreeable, spent a lot of time not saying a lot, wanted to drink your blood, liked playing with shadow puppets, and meant to harm you.

Your dad (and possibly mom although she refuses to talk about it) had Bela Lugosi (as Dracula). He was dressed well to do looked like he should be vamping up and down Park Avenue but it was still pretty clear he just wanted to be a evil blood sucking king of the vampires in a tuxedo and coat tails.

Now Vampires have to be hunky, sexy, alluring, wearing Vampire couture, has to know how to be filled with angst, have great hair, be elusive, be mysterious, look great in a tight Hot Topic T-shirt, and memorize confusing dialogue involving shape shifters, witches, werewolves, magic, doppelgangers, cemeteries, and “how do I get get blood out of my laundry?” dry cleaning bills.

Max and Bela just would not make the grade. They don’t test well with modern audiences, don’t know how to work a red carpet event, don’t sparkle in any way possible, don’t know how to work a comic con room, and no one wants to bid $10,000.00 on a cocktail napkin they used on Ebay.

Sounds like way too much pressure to me. Isn’t it enough be eternal? Do you even have any idea how boring the late 1700’s were? And seriously, someone please make up their mind. Am I a bat? Or a vampire? And now I have to look good at 8am making witty morning talk show banter while plugging the new vampire whatever thing? Yuck. I need a upside down nap, someone please wake me up when I can go back to being a ordinary vampire.

What I learned from “The Wolverine”

When you loose your will to live you grow a crazy looking beard. when you have a crazy looking beard you look like a crazy homeless guy. When you look like a crazy homeless guy your best friend is a grizzly bear. When your best friend is a grizzly bear you wind up smelling like salmon poop. Don’t wind up smelling like salmon poop, Get Direct TV and don’t loose your will to live.

Obviously being hairy, grumpy, a rage-aholic, and being “dreamy” (my wife’s words not mine) can only be pulled off by Hugh Jackman

Wolverine claws Vs Samurai sword: Claws win.

Wolverine claws Vs Large Adamantium robot: Tie (sort of)

Japanese girl + Katana + Bullet train = awesome

There is a 2 mutant minimum per movie

What the H? Wolverine survived the H bomb in 1944 Nagasaki Japan and he didn’t even say what the H?

Wil Wheaton is NOT a mutant

Wil Wheaton is NOT human

Wil Wheaton is NOT in this movie

$4.00 is too much to pay for chocolate covered raisins

Every time I go to the theater and the staff is tuxedo garb I always feel under dressed

Perpetually uncomfortable in a world that constantly wants to sing or dance

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Let’s get this straight, I don’t dance or sing. Okay, let me be more accurate: I don’t sing or dance in public. Is it me? Or is the world lousy with shows about talented and not so talented people singing and dancing? I am beginning to hate television. Do know what that really means? Me? Hate television?

Here are my (yes I admit) very arbitrary rules:

Movies about the street smart high school student who break dances (or is it called street dancing? I am showing my age here) in his/her spare time and wants to go “legit” and wants to do competitive dancing? No thanks..pass

Movie about a tough, but gorgeous Pittsburgh woman who is a welder on the docks, dances at a club, and wants to get into ballet school.. heck yes

Television program where people compete by singing or dancing? I will only watch it if zombies, ninja’s, and ax wielding weirdo’s are chasing them while doing so

Movie where “Wolverine” is singing? Seriously Wolverine? Your killing me here. Next

Weddings, family gatherings, party’s, whatever where “public dancing” is not only encouraged but might be expected of all able bodied party attendees? Keep walkin mac.. aint gonna happen

Karaoke night at a local bar: heck yeah..let’s go.. get your shoes on.