technology

Toasters need Love too

A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )

Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.

Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.

If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:

  • Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant

  • Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned

  • GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction

  • Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s

  • Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been

  • Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting

  • Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea

Tuesdays with the Toaster

Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.

Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.

Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.

I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??

Ancient Incan curse Corrupts computers, action figures, and pet Gerbils

Omaha Nebraska: What was once a quite Cul-de-sac has now become a major international news epicenter. News vans, satellite dishes, camera’s, broadcasting equipment, and TV newscasters speaking into microphones as far as the eye can see. According to eye witness testimony, a badly drawn sketch made by a blind homeless man, and a very blurry video made by a nanny cam The Smith family may be the first owners of a Generation IV computer cursed by the Ancient Inca’s.

Computer virus experts from around the globe have also gathered together in agreement that there has never been any computer virus or “curse” seen like it. Priest’s, shaman’s, witch doctors, used car salesmen, accident Injury lawyers, the cast of “Full House”, and a Guy named Bob who lives in the Vatican have also been called by local authorities for suggestions on not only how the curse may have started but also how to stop the curse on other potentially corrupted/cursed computers.

Head of the Smith household Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3rd has stated that the trouble began at 3:14 am which is a significant because Computer nerds (experts) consider this time frame to be the “Technology witching Hour”. They claim it not only invokes the power of pie but it is reportedly known as the typical time most technology breaks down, is infected, or has a blue screen of death. Mr. Smith states that he woke up from sleeping to go to the bathroom and noticed a eerie green glow and “weird looking Breaking Bad meth type smoke” coming from his son’s room as he passed by in the hall way.

As Mr. Smith entered his son’s room he claims the Generation IV computer they just had just purchased merely days before was flashing/displaying what can only be described as a ancient Incan text warning to the Smith Family of Impending Doom. Mr. Smith also claims random JPG’s of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Imelda Marcos, Claus von Bülow, and Sponge Bob Square Pants were displayed along the side of the text.

Obviously alarmed Mr. Smith made the attempt to wake his son up by yelling: “Luke! Get up!” to which his son did not respond, becoming even more alarmed because the family gerbil started to speak a combination of Vulcan, Klingon, and an ancient Incan language, and his son’s (toys) action figures started to come to life . Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3rd finally yelled: “Luke! I am your Father!…. get up!” and the 2 were able to escape their home without any harm coming to them.

A Computer, weird objects, Yahtzee paranormal Hazmat team was called to contain, and destroy the Generation IV computer and the curse that was attached to it. As the team exited the house they were quoted to say: “We came! We Saw! We kicked it’s ass!”

Those who may have recently purchased a Generation IV computer are being urged to:

  • Wave the Vulcan salute in a clockwise circular motion while carefully approaching their computer

  • Make toast with Jelly and to cut the crust

  • Watch an episode of “The Rockford Files” while reading “The Hobbit”

  • Pour a circle of salt around the computer

  • Do the mocharaina backwards while wearing Stiletto’s

  • Take the Pepsi challenge

  • Dig a 9 foot hole in your back yard

  • Assemble all Avengers

  • Make Jello Pudding (any flavor)

  • Dance the Fandango

  • Invite Brian Seacrest to your next party

  • Bury your Generation IV computer in the hole you dug

  • Dial: 8675309 and say: “Its Done”

All potentially affected parties are being reassured that by following the steps they can prevent any and all Impending Doom, Incan Curses, Gerbil or action figure being possessed by Evil.

Next time you save the universe make sure you know how to google reverse sku search, diagnose hardware and software issues, and make a step by step electronics fix it book for your wife

What's in my Computer Bits Bag

What’s in my Computer Bits Bag (Photo credit: Nick J Adams)

Oh the joy of being a geeky, tech nerd from planet X (the planet insists on remaining unknown for its own protection). It has its ups and downs. On the plus side I do know my way around computers, digital watches ( who needs to wear a watch any more?), remote controls, hard drives, mouses, printers, software, HTML coding, wireless networks, wireless routers, google searching, and most electronic things and gadgets.

On the down side when your friends and family members slowly begin to figure out your a wiz at most to anything technology related you then become the designated Nerd-A-Lert tech support. My computer is broke! How do I tell my DVR to play the dolby digital sound sound signal instead of the analog signal? How do I stream Netflix to my TV? How do I post this picture from another website to facebook? How do I get my VCR to stop flashing 12:00?? (first get rid of the VCR and get yourself a blue ray player to start with) The questions never seem to end.

My hands down favorite story is when a friend of mine was looking a light bulb. Now mind you, this was no ordinary light bulb. He owns a business that has security lighting (the kind you would see in a parking lot) and that security lighting uses special bulbs you just cant go to the store or even Lowes to just pick up. His daughter (who ran the business for him) brought the box the bulb came in in an effort to help track down where exactly you can get a hold of this elusive/exotic bulb. Because my friend rubs elbows with other rich business big shots (he hates it that I call him that) he was actually on the phone with another rich business big shot who does a lot of major industrial electrical business asking him of all people where he might be able to get a replacement bulb. I calmly asked my friend (while he was still on the phone) if the box on the table was the box the bulb came in, asked if I could go into his “computer room” to use the computer. Approximately 2 to 3 minutes later (using a google SKU reverse search technique I can’t explain to you) I yelled out from the computer room: “Hey dude! Is this what your looking for?” pointing at a picture of bulb being sold through a specialty online retailer. The only down side to this story is now my friend expects me to solve every technical problem he has (I love you guy but I am going to have to start to charge for my services).

Then there is my lovely bride (gosh I love her so much). She stays at home when I go to work and she MUST (and I do mean must) have her cable TV to help her keep entertained while I am away (heck knows I provide enough entertainment when I am at home). She calls me now and then when the power goes out (& back on) and makes the DVR go crazy. Its then my geeky hubby duty to diagnose and resolve the entertainment to DVR to TV issues she is having. If you have ever seen a grown man speak in sweet low tech easy to understand terms while pounding his head on the nearest wall you just might have seen me without realizing it. I swear I am going to make a step by step book (with visuals) just for my sweat heart for when this happens.