holiday

A (Parody) Letter to Mr. Phelps

hamster

hamster (Photo credit: dgtecnozero)

Henry Horrible

Head HR Genius

Hamster Blam Technologies

5599 Hamster Wheel Drive

Hamster NV 98667

 

 

Mr. Barry Phelps

123 Fake Street

Fat Chance NV 98668

 

Dear Mr. Phelps

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. How was your vacation? The reason you are receiving a letter from me is to inform you that your employment with Hamster Blam Technologies has been terminated, and that there is absolutely NO reason to report to work tomorrow. Normally in the past it has been Hamster Blam’s practice to wait until the Employee to show up to work, wait 2-3 awkward days until a opportune Friday, inform the  Employee he/she is scheduled for a meeting, use that time to pack the employees things in a plain cardboard box, and later broadcast the employee whimpering, crying, and urinating their own pants on the Company intranet after they have learned of the news.

 

Due to a recent change in management, the direction of the wind, a poorly played game of Old Maid, and HR policies we are now using this format to not only inform you of your termination with the company, but also share with you the specific reasons your are being terminated.

 

  • We viewed your pictures posted from vacation and well..UGH
  • The blog you posted about lighter side of Quantum Mechanics had us puzzled
  • You did not want to do the chicken dance at the last company Picnic
  • We find your choice of hair style perplexing
  • Squeaky shoes
  • Smelly egg salad sandwiches in your lunch
  • Your actually smarter than the rest of us
  • Your computer at work has a cat that looks like Hitler as a screen saver
  • You don’t know how to swim
  • Super Hero Underwear (don’t ask how we know)
  • The big boss finds you creepy
  • Our Morning Prayer to Devil Hamster gave us the inspiration
  • Thumb tacks in our eyebrows made us grumpy

 

Your possessions have been boxed up, and shipped to you via Red Neck shipping services and last we knew they were being used by a marooned bearded weirdo who has a valley ball named Wilson as a friend. We certainly hope your brief time at Hamster Blam Technologies has been a productive one and happy one.  

Elf Gate 2013

From left to right: Snidely Whiplash, Dudley D...

From left to right: Snidely Whiplash, Dudley Do-Right, Nell Fenwick & Horse, bring Senator Whiplash to Justice

Washington DC.

Going into the 6th laborious day of testimony, the Senate panel investigation has come to a head into what is being coined by many as “Elf Gate”.

Emotions have run high as the carefully chosen panel of Senators have questioned, grilled, and blatantly accused the “Elf On The Shelf” of spying, being a traitor, engaging in terrorist activities, being an enemy of The United States Of America, and being a cold war north pole sympathizer. 

It all started a year ago when Senator Snidely Whiplash decided to take a Christmas break on his “war on common sense”. He and his band of sour faced cronies collectively agreed that shutting down all cinnamon roll bakeries, deflating all helium balloons, removing all toys from “Toys R Us”, disfiguring all pictures of Grover the muppet, and drawing silly (that remarkably look like the handle bar mustache Snidely wears) mustaches on Injury Lawyer billboards was enough for one years worth of work. 

Snidely had never really given this whole “peace on earth, good will towards Men” malarkey a chance before, so he decided to go full out commercial Christmas. He bought a tree, decorations, a plastic Santa for his lawn, lights, garland, a wreath for his door, and of course a “Elf on the shelf” for his mantle. Confused and exasperated by the millions of pictures on the internet as to the proper placing, posing, and location for the “Elf on the shelf” Snidely decided to purchase 2 million of the sitting, pondering, and watching Elf’s so he can place and position them like he had seen. 

According to a unconfirmed source (who claims to be part of Snidley’s house staff ) the 2 million Elf’s had just been a bridge too far for Snidely. What started out as playful banter with the Elf’s, jovial ho-ho-hoing around the house, and “interpretative dancing” in a tight black leotard in front of a unsecured laptop webcam quickly turned into a viral video of that very same dancing with the “Harlem Shake” music in the background. Snidely was the buzz of every morning talk show, and the punch line of every late night show comedian.  

As the saying goes: Fury has no wrath like Snidely Whiplash caught twerking in black leotards with a “Elf on the shelf” strategically sitting on sensitive body areas. Flying into a rampage like never seen before department store Santa’s, Elf’s, dogs, grandmothers, Christmas shoppers, Lovers sharing a strand of spaghetti, Chinese checkers players, balloon animal clowns, magicians, hobo’s, and even random penguins found themselves with silly looking handle bar mustaches painted on their faces. 

Once Whiplash regained his composure he quickly put himself and his band of evil senators to work in a panel to investigate The “Elf on the shelf” which has led us to the current situation. In a surprising turn of events though it has been uncovered by investigative reporters that Senator Whiplash is being bankrolled by the likes of heat Miser, Cold Miser, and Burgermeister Meisterburger in what is now becoming an aparent self serving quest to “wag the dog” and get people to focus on anything else other than the 100 different video versions of his black leotard dancing that now have been made and viewed by millions. 

A new emergency panel has been put together by senator Do-Right including The power rangers, Santa, Buddy The Elf, The wonder twins, Harvey Birdman Attorney at large, and Bill Nye the science guy to look into the abuse of power and influence Senator Whiplash has used to grind a very personal axe. In the mean time all charges against the “Elf on the shelf” have been dropped and he has been told he is free to go.   

Skip the guilt, pass the mash-potatoes please

It’s the same thing every year. To the point where I truly have a love-hate relationship with my television and the programming it gives me. My wife and I don’t have any children so I guess having both internet and TV is like having kids (in a way). One minute your so disappointed in them (BAD! TV & INTERNET! BAD!) that you swear your going to kick them permanently out of your home, and next thing you know they bring you (where I actually mean me in this case) kittens, puppies, science fiction, and absolutely no signs of Miley Ray Cyrus twerking while smoking pot.

Local news and the demented newscasters who appear on TV are the absolute worst. Anyone who has to look good on camera, be heavyhearted because of today’s fresh hell of tragedies, then in a blink of an eye brighten up with a story of a penguin who is using its body to shelter homeless seal pups who ‘s mommy and daddy died has to have some personality and mental issues.

Once again, right on time the demented newscasters start with the “eating with moderation”, holiday diet, turkey can kill you, why mash-potatoes are dangerous, cranberry’s are really terrorists, gravy causes cancer, dressing is really an alien ploy to take over your mind, please please let us find every reason in the world for you to feel guilty for actually enjoying a meal with your loved ones (if you can).

Let’s just say we skip the guilt, and pass the mash-potatoes please. Not everybody has a home, not everybody has family to be with, and some even have to spend thanksgiving in the hospital, in prison, in another country defending your freedom to watch football or 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”. Let’s just be thankful for what blessings we have and remember despite all the efforts your momma’s sweet potato pie may be making to clog your arteries that there is always someone who is going through something you could never imagine.

Its not over until the Fluffy person sings

Its the Candy Cops Charlie Brown!

Its the Candy Cops Charlie Brown!

A North Dakota woman says she’s giving out letters to children she believes are obese when they come to her door this Halloween. Bah Halloween hum bug lady. Who died and made you “candy cop”?!? Even if such thing as “candy cop” really existed Jean-Claude Van Damme would be much better as a time traveling Department Of Sugar Land Security agent with the mission to finally get the left and right twixt to reunite forces against overzealous nutritionists bent on making making everything taste like plaster board coated with paste.

I personally hate the terms “Fat”, “Obese” and don’t even get close to me with the term “Morbidly Obese”. Maybe it’s just me, but I can honestly feel the hate, neglect, lack of compassion and understanding just steaming off of them like a industrial complex happily chugging cancer causing smoke/exhaust into the air. I prefer the term “Fluffy”. Yes I am fluffy and I owe no one any apology of any kind for being so. I don’t need your well meaning advise, I don’t need a lecture on vegetables (how do you know I don’t eat vegetables? A salad? ), and I even though I am used to being called “Big Guy” I honestly think people really to think more about what they say before they say it.

Yes, I am quite aware that our nation is getting more overweight, but I am sorry this certainly does not give the media the right to do their obligatory fluffy mid section and posterior camera angles they are famous doing when doing a news story trying to convince everyone that fluffy people are ruining the world as we know it.

Larger airplane seats with arm rests that come up to give you even more room? Theater seats with arm rests that also lift and have cup holders? The return of the Twinkie and the raspberry zinger? Sugary cereal commercials with fully grown adults? The brilliant comedic shenanigans of John Candy? Jackie Gleason? Melissa McCarthy? Billy Gardell? Gabriel Iglesias? Ralphy May? Bruce Bruce? John Pinette? Ect? Your welcome skinny people, your welcome.