An Ode to Wendy O. Williams (and the Plasmatics)

::We interrupt this Blog with a chainsaw::
Believe it or not my first introduction to Wendy O. Williams was during a English class in high school. Mr. (sorry I can’t remember his last name) rolled in a TV, and VCR from the AV department and proceeded to shock, stimulate, and barrage our ears and eyes with the magic wonder and mystery that was Wendy O. Williams. He made it clear he was a big fan of hers and since she is famous for her Mohawk (did she have a mohawk? I was not paying attention to her hair at the time), strategically placed electrical tape/pasties/clothes?, and taking a chainsaw to a car while performing most of the guys in the class (who knows, maybe a couple of girls also) became instant fans also.

Mind you, this is during the early 80’s when MTV actually played music videos and it just got so crazy as to what and who would be shown on MTV it seemed like it was open season on the ears, eyes, and whatever sensibilities there may have been left over from the post disco studio 54 age. MTV garnered the reputation of being almost like a pirate radio station. You watched it during the day with your parents and they would be kind enough to show simple minds or Tiffany and when you watched late at night you just might get to see Punk Bands, Billy Idol, and even Wendy O. Williams. A complete overload of orange, green, purple hair, tattoos, piercings, ripped jeans, and badass anti-establishement rock music.

Because I truly want my blog to be rated G (PG at best) I will not post a youtube video here as an example. Never mind Lady Gaga, or Nicki Minaj, they are just mere novices when compared to the fierce full throttle bat in the face explosion that was Wendy O. Williams. Now where did I leave that chainsaw??

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Skip the guilt, pass the mash-potatoes please

It’s the same thing every year. To the point where I truly have a love-hate relationship with my television and the programming it gives me. My wife and I don’t have any children so I guess having both internet and TV is like having kids (in a way). One minute your so disappointed in them (BAD! TV & INTERNET! BAD!) that you swear your going to kick them permanently out of your home, and next thing you know they bring you (where I actually mean me in this case) kittens, puppies, science fiction, and absolutely no signs of Miley Ray Cyrus twerking while smoking pot.

Local news and the demented newscasters who appear on TV are the absolute worst. Anyone who has to look good on camera, be heavyhearted because of today’s fresh hell of tragedies, then in a blink of an eye brighten up with a story of a penguin who is using its body to shelter homeless seal pups who ‘s mommy and daddy died has to have some personality and mental issues.

Once again, right on time the demented newscasters start with the “eating with moderation”, holiday diet, turkey can kill you, why mash-potatoes are dangerous, cranberry’s are really terrorists, gravy causes cancer, dressing is really an alien ploy to take over your mind, please please let us find every reason in the world for you to feel guilty for actually enjoying a meal with your loved ones (if you can).

Let’s just say we skip the guilt, and pass the mash-potatoes please. Not everybody has a home, not everybody has family to be with, and some even have to spend thanksgiving in the hospital, in prison, in another country defending your freedom to watch football or 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”. Let’s just be thankful for what blessings we have and remember despite all the efforts your momma’s sweet potato pie may be making to clog your arteries that there is always someone who is going through something you could never imagine.

Once Upon A Zombie

Image representing The Walt Disney Company as ...

Image via CrunchBase

[a article of great creative interest by rocket tattoo ]

Orlando Florida

Troubled news from the Magic Kingdom today as the truly horrific images were finally revealed for all to see. CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and even Ron Burgundy himself called for a moratorium on the limit of ghastly video, images, and assorted camera phone pictures were flooding the internet. Facebook, Instagram, Flicker, Google, and Twitter all vowed to pull any and all disturbing images from their databases.

As far as anyone can tell the imagineers at Disney/Buena Vista International finally went too far with taking “dramatic liberties” with Fairy tale characters, their own characters, and several episodes of “the walking dead”. “Through the Magic Of Disney” Beloved characters apparently were bitten, scratched, clawed, chewed, eaten and even further infected by a hoard of ruthless celluloid and digital animation eating Zombies.

The scene is so indescribably horrific that words just really cannot describe the cartoon suffering. Special agent Goofy of the Magic Kingdom Security Division was forced to break his deep cover as a long term Disney character in order to bring the grim news to the media. According to the Special Agent the madness broke out during a speaker phone conversation with The heads at ABC studios. As far as they can tell, despite the confusion of including beloved Disney Characters into the already head spinning enigma of a television show that is “Once Upon A Time” there was excitement, further eagerness, and willingness to include even more of their properties (Marvel, Star Wars, ect) into their fairy tale based show.

Little did they know that while they were having their conversation that Mickey Mouse once again (despite all the security protocols Disney had put in place) had been making Dark Disney magic while wearing the very same Sorcerers hat he wore in the movie Fantasia. It seems that there was no way Mickey could even begin to realize the ramifications of doing so after just watching a 4 hour block of “The Walking Dead” on Netflix.

Disney security, a celluloid and digital animation recovery unit, and some people dressed like keystone Cops have been deputized by Special Agent Goofy himself to help contain the Zombie virus. He would only say about the process that “Nothing shakes you to the core more than having to give Dumbo the elephant a head-shot to end his suffering”. Everything else, the entire Disney property, golf courses, people mover, Epcot, and even any images is being blacked out to the media in respect for the Families of the affected Disney Characters.

[ Rocket tattoo is a artist, thinker, blogger, comedian, happily married weirdo, and makes money online here: http://bit.ly/1acxCAp ]

And then The Jabberwocky took over

Life: never mind being handed lemons and being expected to make lemonade. I prefer to see life as a test of how well you would make it as a circus clown being shot out of a completely ridiculous circus cannon that is more capable of shooting confetti, cream pies, and sparkly poodles than say: clowns.

God is most certainly is a comedian and the joke is is on me, you and your uncle Ed. I am a huge Looney Tune cartoon fan and there are these older ones that are produced by Tex Avery that just blow my freaking mind. Cartoon world is crazy enough as it is (I personally recommend Sponge Bob as a reference), but when Tex Avery took over all bets were off. Tex made absolutely certain you strapped yourself in because the ride was going to be like no other. My theory here is that Tex must have felt the same way about how nutty, crazy, and out of control life can be.

We have the nerve to honestly believe that a car ride across the desert is only and exactly that: a drive across the desert. Hey buddy! (smacks face to wake desert driver up) watch out for the anvils made by Acme! And yes, if you look carefully they are indeed being dropped in your path by a cartoon Coyote. Tunnel up a head? Great! That means that the fresh paint on the side of the rock stuck and the damage to your desert driving vehicle is NOT covered by car insurance provider X. (it is however covered by ACME insurance and you had no idea to opt into the Fake Tunnel damage waiver) Feet planted firmly on the ground? Future’s so bright you gotta wear shades? Don’t look now some rascally rabbit just painted a hole beneath you! Hope you packed a parachute! Its a looooooong way down.

The point I am trying to make here is life is a joke. The quicker you figure that out and start packing your seltzer bottle, anvil catapult, fake tunnel paint remover, black paint hole maker, carry a gun that shoots a flag that says: BANG!, and learn to set your mind to a place where circus cannons that have shown absolutely no ability to shoot anything heavier than a marshmallow will INDEED shoot your ***** pound body across the room then your trip is doomed.

Pardon me, I am expected to be shot out next. I certainly hope the cream pie I am diving into is blueberry, Its my favorite.

tex1

Apparently people seem to prefer their leaders (and monsters/aliens) spitting, snarling, yelling, and in dire need of deep psychotherapy.

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

:Warning may contain nerdy references to nerdy stuff :

Oh hello Leonidas, leader of the 300 (spit included) !SPARTA! Half naked (gosh that must be cold) warriors. You have a visitor from the Persian empire. I have heard of being kicked to the curb but do you have a habit kicking all your UN-welcomed guests into a well??

Spider Man’s dead uncle says with great power comes great responsibility. If you missed him saying it at least 3 times in the original Tobey Maguire version the people at Marvel Comics and Disney (who owns Marvel) were kind enough to repeat the phrase again a few more times in the next movie (again with Tobey Maguire).

What good old (and dead) Uncle Ben forget to mention was people (separately and in groups) seem to take you more seriously if your yelling, screaming, spitting, snarling, and have veins popping out of your neck and head. In other words all the stress anxiety filled behavior your cardiologist warned you against.

I have drawing, doodling, painting, coloring and creating for as long as I can remember. I have a online art gallery, and actually have shown some of my art work at a few local gallery’s. Most of my subject matter is inspired by comic books, aliens, monsters, and robots (big surprise huh?). My mom asked me one time why 90% of the aliens and monsters I draw are spitting and snarling. Well Gee mom, friendly monsters and aliens are a nice idea and such with the whole saving the world, kumbaya people holding hands, figuring old cold fusion, tree hugging, xenomorph sole kissing happiness and everything but spitting, snarling monsters and aliens with anger management issues are just plain cool.

Lets just be honest for a moment, your watching your favorite sports team. If the your team is stinking up whatever playing field they play on, do you really want the coach to give everyone on the team a hug, call them over for “soul palates”, have them hold hands and click their heels, burn scented candles, or sing a 80’s big hair power ballad to them on a karaoke machine? Absolutely NOT! You seriously expect the coach to yell, scream, look like he’s about to pop his top, spit, snarl, and yell loving hatred at them. The visit to the cardiologist and psychotherapist can wait for now, we have points to get on the board to get. Bragging rights at church and work are hanging in the balance here dang it.

Peter Parker (and Tobey Macguire) was a nice guy dork who got bullied, Spider Man was a nice guy dork with great powers (you say the rest I can’t take it any more), but Venom was Spider Man’s darker alien infused, spitting, snarling, cooler anger management weirdo doppelganger self. People paid attention to him, he was stinky, nasty, and would have made a great sports coach, half naked warrior leader, and a great candidate for psychotherapy. He will just have wait in line with Bobby Night, The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Charlie Sheen, Leather Face, The predator, The Terminator, and Sam Kinison.

Don’t Look now there is a sexy vampire following you

English: A screenshot from Dracula Italiano: U...

English: A screenshot from Dracula Italiano: Uno screenshot del film Dracula (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Twilight, the twilight movie franchise, the twilight book franchise, true blood, vampire dairies, twilight the flash light, twilight the place mat, twilight the toilet paper, and vampire dairies the shrimp fork all have one thing in common: Sexy vampires.

Your grandma had Max Shreck (as Nosferatu ). There was no doubt in any ones mind Vampires were weird looking, ugly, disagreeable, spent a lot of time not saying a lot, wanted to drink your blood, liked playing with shadow puppets, and meant to harm you.

Your dad (and possibly mom although she refuses to talk about it) had Bela Lugosi (as Dracula). He was dressed well to do looked like he should be vamping up and down Park Avenue but it was still pretty clear he just wanted to be a evil blood sucking king of the vampires in a tuxedo and coat tails.

Now Vampires have to be hunky, sexy, alluring, wearing Vampire couture, has to know how to be filled with angst, have great hair, be elusive, be mysterious, look great in a tight Hot Topic T-shirt, and memorize confusing dialogue involving shape shifters, witches, werewolves, magic, doppelgangers, cemeteries, and “how do I get get blood out of my laundry?” dry cleaning bills.

Max and Bela just would not make the grade. They don’t test well with modern audiences, don’t know how to work a red carpet event, don’t sparkle in any way possible, don’t know how to work a comic con room, and no one wants to bid $10,000.00 on a cocktail napkin they used on Ebay.

Sounds like way too much pressure to me. Isn’t it enough be eternal? Do you even have any idea how boring the late 1700’s were? And seriously, someone please make up their mind. Am I a bat? Or a vampire? And now I have to look good at 8am making witty morning talk show banter while plugging the new vampire whatever thing? Yuck. I need a upside down nap, someone please wake me up when I can go back to being a ordinary vampire.

Please don’t eat the Evil Daisies

English: Gordon MacRae and Doris Day in Starli...

English: Gordon MacRae and Doris Day in Starlift, taken from the film’s trailer. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ever wonder out loud, to yourself, inside a dryer, on top of a whirligig, while eating a sausage pizza, while flying like Superman in your underwear what it would be like if super syrupy saccharine sweet happy sappy chirpy people were Evil?

Doris Day always played a super sappy “girl/woman/mom” next door. She was flighty, flirty, happy, and sappy. Ugh.. enough Doris we know you secretly wanted to unleash your special brand of flying monkeys, evil human eating carp, zombie apocalypse deadly hamsters, devil with a blue dress, blue dress on.

Katie Couric is no help. I am honestly starting to believe that she may indeed be Doris Day’s love child. Please don’t check Katie’s age or even remotely expect my theory to be true. I base my theories on sitcom plot themes not facts. Katie is really super secretly Evil or she’s real proof that there really is a village of the damned somewhere.

Mr Rogers freaked me out even when I was a kid. He just was NOT based on any reality I was even remotely familiar with. A cardigan clad guy who talked to puppets, played with trains, and had (lets just admit it and get some therapy) a weird relationship with the postman who came to his house. Gee.. I don’t know, nothing Evil or weird going on there. Oh look! He was secretly working on a ice making laser beam that could have frozen the earth for 2 million years and turned every one into a mindless pet rock.

I blame People eating Evil daises.. Please Don t eat the Evil Daises