Toasters need Love too

A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )

Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.

Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.

If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:

• Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant

• Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned

• GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction

• Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s

• Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been

• Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting

• Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea

Tuesdays with the Toaster

Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.

Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.

Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.

I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??

Ancient Incan curse Corrupts computers, action figures, and pet Gerbils

Omaha Nebraska: What was once a quite Cul-de-sac has now become a major international news epicenter. News vans, satellite dishes, camera’s, broadcasting equipment, and TV newscasters speaking into microphones as far as the eye can see. According to eye witness testimony, a badly drawn sketch made by a blind homeless man, and a very blurry video made by a nanny cam The Smith family may be the first owners of a Generation IV computer cursed by the Ancient Inca’s.

Computer virus experts from around the globe have also gathered together in agreement that there has never been any computer virus or “curse” seen like it. Priest’s, shaman’s, witch doctors, used car salesmen, accident Injury lawyers, the cast of “Full House”, and a Guy named Bob who lives in the Vatican have also been called by local authorities for suggestions on not only how the curse may have started but also how to stop the curse on other potentially corrupted/cursed computers.

Head of the Smith household Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3^rd has stated that the trouble began at 3:14 am which is a significant because Computer nerds (experts) consider this time frame to be the “Technology witching Hour”. They claim it not only invokes the power of pie but it is reportedly known as the typical time most technology breaks down, is infected, or has a blue screen of death. Mr. Smith states that he woke up from sleeping to go to the bathroom and noticed a eerie green glow and “weird looking Breaking Bad meth type smoke” coming from his son’s room as he passed by in the hall way.

As Mr. Smith entered his son’s room he claims the Generation IV computer they just had just purchased merely days before was flashing/displaying what can only be described as a ancient Incan text warning to the Smith Family of Impending Doom. Mr. Smith also claims random JPG’s of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Imelda Marcos, Claus von Bülow, and Sponge Bob Square Pants were displayed along the side of the text.

Obviously alarmed Mr. Smith made the attempt to wake his son up by yelling: “Luke! Get up!” to which his son did not respond, becoming even more alarmed because the family gerbil started to speak a combination of Vulcan, Klingon, and an ancient Incan language, and his son’s (toys) action figures started to come to life . Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3^rd finally yelled: “Luke! I am your Father!…. get up!” and the 2 were able to escape their home without any harm coming to them.

A Computer, weird objects, Yahtzee paranormal Hazmat team was called to contain, and destroy the Generation IV computer and the curse that was attached to it. As the team exited the house they were quoted to say: “We came! We Saw! We kicked it’s ass!”

Those who may have recently purchased a Generation IV computer are being urged to:

• Wave the Vulcan salute in a clockwise circular motion while carefully approaching their computer

• Make toast with Jelly and to cut the crust

• Watch an episode of “The Rockford Files” while reading “The Hobbit”

• Pour a circle of salt around the computer

• Do the mocharaina backwards while wearing Stiletto’s

• Take the Pepsi challenge

• Dig a 9 foot hole in your back yard

• Assemble all Avengers

• Make Jello Pudding (any flavor)

• Dance the Fandango

• Invite Brian Seacrest to your next party

• Bury your Generation IV computer in the hole you dug

• Dial: 8675309 and say: “Its Done”

All potentially affected parties are being reassured that by following the steps they can prevent any and all Impending Doom, Incan Curses, Gerbil or action figure being possessed by Evil.

What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

So when exactly do I get to pick out my “Old Man Outfit”??

I turned 50 last year, I am looking 51 dead in the eye in six more months. It has me worried. The reason why is based on trips to Walmart, any grocery store, the hardware store, The DMV, Doctors offices, and just pumping gas into my minivan. While I am at any location really there is a growing number of people growing old. A lot of these older people (older than me I am pointing out here) are men. The majority of them have somehow, in someway have decided to wear (with very slight variations) the same outfit. Its as if there is a store that caters to grumpiness, never ending stories of working on their car, garage, boat, cabinets, memories of war, and the last pork chop they ate. 

The outfits seem to consist of: jeans, coveralls, work pants (if you say dockers they will slap you for being a sissy), a dress shirt (normally plaid, printed in some manly fashion without looking to frilly), suspenders (seems to be a MUST HAVE item) a belt (I guess the suspenders are a back up just in case the belt goes out or visa-versa), and a hat. 

The hat seems to open to interpretation just as long it does not have fruit on top of  and is completely void of a bow or ribbon included. Baseball cap seems to be a nice popular choice just as long as you wear it like a real man and stop trying to look like a rap artist, or someone with a mental problem.  What is inscribed/written on the baseball hat seems to be important also. Letting people know your a war veteran and that you were Killing people in foreign lands while they were still nursing will get you some serious nursing home Cred. 

Bowlers, Pork Pie hats(Think Walter White from Breaking Bad), Fedora’s, and even Richard Petty style cowboy hats can be acceptable wear. If your stuck in traffic behind a slow moving vehicle chances are good the driver is a old man in a hat (or he left his hat at home).

What confuses me is 1. when exactly did these legions of old men decide to start wearing the same outfit? And 2. Now that I am getting older am I required to follow suit? When exactly do I start turning the garden hose on the neighbors kids?, Complain about the meatloaf at the local cafeteria?, start smelling like I poured a entire bottle of Old Spice on myself?, Have a handshake that feels like Solid Rock?, tell stories of the car I put back together with nothing more than a piece of wire and a can of WD40?, threaten to put my foot up someones wazoo?, smack people on the back of the head just for being a dumb ass? The questions never end.

Its always an honor to be nominated for an award trophy statue medallion on a Gold Chain that will collect dust

Award Season: The Grammy’s, the whammy’s, the double whammy’s, the slammy’s, the Oscars, the Fred’s, Benny’s, Tony’s, SAG awards, Saggy awards, Baggy Pants awards, people choice awards, people hated this awards, The Emmy’s, The kimmy’s, and world wide wrestling championship have a lot in common:

 

They like themselves a lot, they suck all the oxygen known to man, (and other intelligent beings)  insist you care about who was nominated, barrage you with who wore what, who flubbed their acceptance speech, who did what, what happened when, and take up precious TV channel space and time  where a reasonably not so old episode of Matlock could have been aired. I mean C’mon! How am I supposed to find out if indeed Matlock can successfully defend Mrs. Doubtfire against charges of stealing The First Baptist’s Church’s Pastor’s wifes hat?? 

All Red Carpets DO NOT lead somewhere wonderful. Miley, Bieber, Kanye,  Chris Brown, and who knows next will make certain of that. As if the Red Carpet was not already littered with the jagged metal and broken glass of Paparazzi, Fashion trolls, Talking heads, twitter ninja’s, Instagram Warriors,   and what ever manner of fresh hell can be found along the way.

Here’s an idea: How about we celebrate nurses, Firefighters, Police Officers, EMT personnel, Food Pantry volunteers, Child protective Service workers, Teachers, Humane society helpers, Soldiers, and real people who made real contributions to the world being a better place?? Such a celebration and award show would certainly be a billion times more worthy of our attention, TV time, twitter feeds, and media attention.

An Ode to Wendy O. Williams (and the Plasmatics)

Believe it or not my first introduction to Wendy O. Williams was during a English class in high school. Mr. (sorry I can’t remember his last name) rolled in a TV, and VCR from the AV department and proceeded to shock, stimulate, and barrage our ears and eyes with the magic wonder and mystery that was Wendy O. Williams. He made it clear he was a big fan of hers and since she is famous for her Mohawk (did she have a mohawk? I was not paying attention to her hair at the time), strategically placed electrical tape/pasties/clothes?, and taking a chainsaw to a car while performing most of the guys in the class (who knows, maybe a couple of girls also) became instant fans also.

Mind you, this is during the early 80’s when MTV actually played music videos and it just got so crazy as to what and who would be shown on MTV it seemed like it was open season on the ears, eyes, and whatever sensibilities there may have been left over from the post disco studio 54 age. MTV garnered the reputation of being almost like a pirate radio station. You watched it during the day with your parents and they would be kind enough to show simple minds or Tiffany and when you watched late at night you just might get to see Punk Bands, Billy Idol, and even Wendy O. Williams. A complete overload of orange, green, purple hair, tattoos, piercings, ripped jeans, and badass anti-establishement rock music.

Because I truly want my blog to be rated G (PG at best) I will not post a youtube video here as an example. Never mind Lady Gaga, or Nicki Minaj, they are just mere novices when compared to the fierce full throttle bat in the face explosion that was Wendy O. Williams. Now where did I leave that chainsaw??

MOVIE QUOTE JUMBLE

Come with me if you want to live because there is no business like show business. Because only in Hollywood you don’t need roads because where we are going there are NO roads. Take the Gun and leave the cannoli because even though there is no place like home there truly no place like the Movies.

Movies give us a needed escape from life so you better get busy living or get busy dying and Movies can make you feel alive and can help you deal with death even if Stormtroopers just Killed your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. You may want the truth but you cant handle the truth, the truth is far too boring and the movie version is always much better. The Hills are alive with the sound of music only because those hills have those iconic HOLLYWOOD letters standing on them. 

Say: I am Sparticus! All you want, but you would have to show me the money!! Oh? No money? No worries because Hollywood is genuine proof that if you build it they will come. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.

So what you want Mary? Should I give you the moon? NO I give you Hollywood, movies, and an escape. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So go see a movie dang it. Look, No body puts baby in a corner and your hard earned dollars can help Baby buy some hair straightener. Her hair dresser says I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore. Because with great power comes great responsibility and there is no greater responsibility than being in charge of those tight curls. 

Say what you want about the demise of the Hollywood Myth, all it needs is Bond, James Bond and he likes his martini’s shaken not stirred. All it takes to wake Hollywood up is  to give it a taste of Hanzo Steel. I didn’t say, sell me. I said, give me. Any movie nerd is obliged to assist you in the extermination of your vermin, Because your vermin, is a former student. And considering the student, I’d say you had a rather large obligation. 

So play it Sam, play that movie on the big screen. This is going to start of a beautiful friendship. I will be the movie geek with the Twizzlers and the chocolate covered raisins.

Stephen Hawking Sues White Rabbit for Worm/Rabbit hole technology

 

I will Rabbit Hole you!

 

United States circuit court 96 Wallaby Washington

The year was 1988, Stephen Hawking writes, and publishes the now ground breaking book “A Brief History Of Time”. Containing some of the most mind bending concepts about physics, black holes, and worm holes the world has ever seen before.

According to the narrative Mr. Hawking’s league of attorneys has laid down. There is a distinct time line and specific scientific correlation between Mr. Hawking’s published findings, thoughts, and postulations and the technology recently publicly published behind White Rabbit Industries proprietary “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.

For several decades “Rabbit Hole In A Can” has been a staple in every toy store, in every child’s room, and every politicians list of tricks to hide the truth. The mystery of how and why it worked was one it’s most enduring qualities. House wife’s, soccer mom’s, grade school teachers, Day care workers, and playground supervisors alike loved the ability to make small, troublesome children temporarily “disappear” for hours on end using the quirky can of magic.

Recently because of the recent pressure from the Open source community, and a clandestine meeting between the White Rabbit himself and non other than Julian Assange Rabbit Industries decided to publicly publish the technology behind “Rabbit Hole In A Can”.

The jury is still out both metaphorically and literally speaking as to if indeed “Rabbit Hole In A Can” is based on, echo’s, or even blatantly rips off The intellectual property of Mr. Hawking. One thing is for sure though, the “Rabbit Hole made my homework disappear” excuse may be in jeopardy in the classroom.

Elf Gate 2013

From left to right: Snidely Whiplash, Dudley Do-Right, Nell Fenwick & Horse, bring Senator Whiplash to Justice

Washington DC.

Going into the 6^th laborious day of testimony, the Senate panel investigation has come to a head into what is being coined by many as “Elf Gate”.

Emotions have run high as the carefully chosen panel of Senators have questioned, grilled, and blatantly accused the “Elf On The Shelf” of spying, being a traitor, engaging in terrorist activities, being an enemy of The United States Of America, and being a cold war north pole sympathizer. 

It all started a year ago when Senator Snidely Whiplash decided to take a Christmas break on his “war on common sense”. He and his band of sour faced cronies collectively agreed that shutting down all cinnamon roll bakeries, deflating all helium balloons, removing all toys from “Toys R Us”, disfiguring all pictures of Grover the muppet, and drawing silly (that remarkably look like the handle bar mustache Snidely wears) mustaches on Injury Lawyer billboards was enough for one years worth of work. 

Snidely had never really given this whole “peace on earth, good will towards Men” malarkey a chance before, so he decided to go full out commercial Christmas. He bought a tree, decorations, a plastic Santa for his lawn, lights, garland, a wreath for his door, and of course a “Elf on the shelf” for his mantle. Confused and exasperated by the millions of pictures on the internet as to the proper placing, posing, and location for the “Elf on the shelf” Snidely decided to purchase 2 million of the sitting, pondering, and watching Elf’s so he can place and position them like he had seen. 

According to a unconfirmed source (who claims to be part of Snidley’s house staff ) the 2 million Elf’s had just been a bridge too far for Snidely. What started out as playful banter with the Elf’s, jovial ho-ho-hoing around the house, and “interpretative dancing” in a tight black leotard in front of a unsecured laptop webcam quickly turned into a viral video of that very same dancing with the “Harlem Shake” music in the background. Snidely was the buzz of every morning talk show, and the punch line of every late night show comedian.  

As the saying goes: Fury has no wrath like Snidely Whiplash caught twerking in black leotards with a “Elf on the shelf” strategically sitting on sensitive body areas. Flying into a rampage like never seen before department store Santa’s, Elf’s, dogs, grandmothers, Christmas shoppers, Lovers sharing a strand of spaghetti, Chinese checkers players, balloon animal clowns, magicians, hobo’s, and even random penguins found themselves with silly looking handle bar mustaches painted on their faces. 

Once Whiplash regained his composure he quickly put himself and his band of evil senators to work in a panel to investigate The “Elf on the shelf” which has led us to the current situation. In a surprising turn of events though it has been uncovered by investigative reporters that Senator Whiplash is being bankrolled by the likes of heat Miser, Cold Miser, and Burgermeister Meisterburger in what is now becoming an aparent self serving quest to “wag the dog” and get people to focus on anything else other than the 100 different video versions of his black leotard dancing that now have been made and viewed by millions. 

A new emergency panel has been put together by senator Do-Right including The power rangers, Santa, Buddy The Elf, The wonder twins, Harvey Birdman Attorney at large, and Bill Nye the science guy to look into the abuse of power and influence Senator Whiplash has used to grind a very personal axe. In the mean time all charges against the “Elf on the shelf” have been dropped and he has been told he is free to go.