Toasters need Love too

A Funny thing happened after I posted “Tuesdays With The Toaster” (http://bit.ly/1mMwUhw )

Life decided to imitate blog when I came across a story of a Florida man who demands right to wed computer (http://bit.ly/1jenn3R). Personally I blame the knowing, flirty glances his macbook was shooting his direction. I also blame Joaquin Phoenix for falling in love with his computer despite the virus’s, Trojans (please I am one who makes the jokes here), and computer cooties it could have given him.

Look folks, I know I have a popular blog, with thousands of followers, and millions of people who comment back and forth on each and every post, but the main theme I always try (Humor Yoda says there is no try) to put through is humor. That means most of the time I am joking around and most to none of what I blog should NOT be taken seriously. So when I encourage you to spend time with your toaster, computer, speak and spell, and Star Bucks electronic Kiosk I certainly do not mean you should go on a date with any of the previously mentioned items, or even want to marry them.

If the news of a Florida man demanding right to wed computer is a sign of things to come then not only do we need some rules on who can marry what but it seems we need some human-machine relationship rules/guidelines in general, so here are some suggestions:

• Toasters have personal space issues and although surfaces can be hot, its NOT the kind of hot that is normally thought to be pleasant

• Blenders have a twisted sense of humor and can have mixed feelings. You have been warned

• GPS turn by turn machines are pushy, bossy, controlling, and merciless when you don’t take their direction

• Speak and spells are known to be warm and cuddly but horrible conversationalist’s

• Don’t touch that Kiosk, you DON’T know where its been

• Military drones have a tendency to “helicopter”, spy on you, hack into your nanny cams, and are mistrusting

• Giving a microwave a ring, necklace, charm bracelet, or anything metal is usually a bad idea

Tuesdays with the Toaster

Machines, technology, computers, and websites like Healthcare.gov are trying to take over the world. Or at least that is what science fiction movies are trying convince us of. Sometimes just to mix things up and then the Human falls in love with their computer, the computer/machine is used to make a hot model who just stepped out of a Simply Irresistible Robert Palmer video making for some weird science, the machine is a friendly Robot named Robby, C3PO, or R2D2, and sometimes the 3 laws of Robotics are misunderstood and then we go back to machines trying to take over again.

Fictional machines are strangely fond of having human voices and characteristics. The Terminator? Looks and sound an awful lot like a stressed out former Governor of California with anger management issues, HAL 9000? sounds like a physics professor on LSD, W.O.P.R (War Operation Plan Response) from “War Games”? Sounds like Stephen Hawking with a even bigger ego (if that’s possible), and Siri? (oops I am sorry siri..your real I swear!) sounds like the GPS turn by turn lady who in turn sounds like the nagging wife of the programmer who made her.

Its about machines, how Johnny Depp wants to become one, how Joaquin Phoenix wants to fall in love with one, how machines dispensing fluoridation are sapping our precious bodily fluids, Dr. Charles A. Forbin wants to stop the supercomputer he created from playing footsy with a Russian Computer, and how Ferris Bueller just wants the high school computer to give him a higher grade.

I personally think we need to be kinder to machines. If the X-Men are afraid of the Sentinels we certainly should be treating them with a lot more respect and kindness. Possibly a cup of earl grey tea with your favorite blender, Tuesdays with your Toaster where it not only dispenses delicious toast, but also deeply important wisdom about life, or maybe including your Homedics Shiatsu Foot Massager in selfies, Christmas card photo’s, vacation photo’s, family video’s, and would it kill you a little to attend their Millitary Shiatsu Foot Massager School plays once in a while??

Ancient Incan curse Corrupts computers, action figures, and pet Gerbils

Omaha Nebraska: What was once a quite Cul-de-sac has now become a major international news epicenter. News vans, satellite dishes, camera’s, broadcasting equipment, and TV newscasters speaking into microphones as far as the eye can see. According to eye witness testimony, a badly drawn sketch made by a blind homeless man, and a very blurry video made by a nanny cam The Smith family may be the first owners of a Generation IV computer cursed by the Ancient Inca’s.

Computer virus experts from around the globe have also gathered together in agreement that there has never been any computer virus or “curse” seen like it. Priest’s, shaman’s, witch doctors, used car salesmen, accident Injury lawyers, the cast of “Full House”, and a Guy named Bob who lives in the Vatican have also been called by local authorities for suggestions on not only how the curse may have started but also how to stop the curse on other potentially corrupted/cursed computers.

Head of the Smith household Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3^rd has stated that the trouble began at 3:14 am which is a significant because Computer nerds (experts) consider this time frame to be the “Technology witching Hour”. They claim it not only invokes the power of pie but it is reportedly known as the typical time most technology breaks down, is infected, or has a blue screen of death. Mr. Smith states that he woke up from sleeping to go to the bathroom and noticed a eerie green glow and “weird looking Breaking Bad meth type smoke” coming from his son’s room as he passed by in the hall way.

As Mr. Smith entered his son’s room he claims the Generation IV computer they just had just purchased merely days before was flashing/displaying what can only be described as a ancient Incan text warning to the Smith Family of Impending Doom. Mr. Smith also claims random JPG’s of Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Imelda Marcos, Claus von Bülow, and Sponge Bob Square Pants were displayed along the side of the text.

Obviously alarmed Mr. Smith made the attempt to wake his son up by yelling: “Luke! Get up!” to which his son did not respond, becoming even more alarmed because the family gerbil started to speak a combination of Vulcan, Klingon, and an ancient Incan language, and his son’s (toys) action figures started to come to life . Mr. James Earl Jones Smith the 3^rd finally yelled: “Luke! I am your Father!…. get up!” and the 2 were able to escape their home without any harm coming to them.

A Computer, weird objects, Yahtzee paranormal Hazmat team was called to contain, and destroy the Generation IV computer and the curse that was attached to it. As the team exited the house they were quoted to say: “We came! We Saw! We kicked it’s ass!”

Those who may have recently purchased a Generation IV computer are being urged to:

• Wave the Vulcan salute in a clockwise circular motion while carefully approaching their computer

• Make toast with Jelly and to cut the crust

• Watch an episode of “The Rockford Files” while reading “The Hobbit”

• Pour a circle of salt around the computer

• Do the mocharaina backwards while wearing Stiletto’s

• Take the Pepsi challenge

• Dig a 9 foot hole in your back yard

• Assemble all Avengers

• Make Jello Pudding (any flavor)

• Dance the Fandango

• Invite Brian Seacrest to your next party

• Bury your Generation IV computer in the hole you dug

• Dial: 8675309 and say: “Its Done”

All potentially affected parties are being reassured that by following the steps they can prevent any and all Impending Doom, Incan Curses, Gerbil or action figure being possessed by Evil.

All this blog Needs is a Buzz Phrase

Act Now and in 38000 easy payments (that’s less than a cost of a cup of coffee folks) these scrubbing bubbles with activate the activated charcoal along with these scientifically proven moisture pockets residing within the patented vortex wind funnel cleaning wand.

That sure got your attention Huh? Wow that was exciting! I could just picture myself wet-dry cleaning an elephant and even the elephant’s wrinkles would be squeaky clean. Finally! Heck knows even elephants deserve clean wrinkles.

Everywhere I look it seems there are MADMEN creating brilliantly annoying advertising campaign’s just lousy with buzz phrases. (Or is that lousy advertising with annoying buzz phrases??) Only in commercials do we find out that Bounty is the quicker picker upper (I would hate to see it be the slower, I will get that tomorrow, non-picker downer), Gerber’s baby food has Comfort Proteins, Zip lock bags have snap and fresh seal technology, Fresh Step Cat Litter has activated freshness molecules, and further learn that it only takes wearing a lab coat and a buzz phrase and voila! I can convince you that super-duper smart scientists worked around the clock (with no bathroom break mind you) to create this thigamabob that makes your life complete.

I have some burning questions: Is secret really strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? And will a man blow up into a bazillion little pieces if he wears it any way? Is Irish Spring made in Ireland? Are the thoughts of a dead turkey wrapped in Reynolds wrap protected against Alien thought invasion? Are Colgate cleaning molecules treated differently at the local bar as opposed to regular molecules? Are flavor pockets related to Flavor Flav? (yeeeeeeeee boy) and just what exactly is dry weave technology?

I am beginning to suspect the writers who used to create the techno-babble heard in a Star Trek episode now make up buzz phrases heard in commercials. Maybe if I employ the interlocking viral blog packets then its slightly possible fiber optic cyber freshness seal molecules will dry weave a nice cardigan sweater for me.

What happens if while copying and pasting I wind up eating the paste?

You name it chances are good I may have tried my hand at selling it. Only recently have I decided to do some online marketing. For me the internet, using technology, dabbling in HTML coding, creating squeeze pages, copying and pasting is a natural choice since I am very acquainted with technology in general and how to use it.

When approaching a new business I truly have no problem “un-learning what I have learned” (yes thank you very much YODA) and it only makes sense to me to mimic what other successful people are doing. My first online marketing venture was with Project Payday. Once I got past my initial skepticism (you will notice I refer to this a lot) I placing ads and copying and pasting my heart out.

Despite all the “Proven” words to say, copy, and paste I found myself feeling very robotic ( I am NOT a robot I swear!) and stiff. I am doing all the things I am being told to do, posting all the words I should be posting, but seriously? It just does NOT sound like me in any way.

Ask anyone who has ever had a “real” conversation with me. Chances are good I am joking, having fun, making goofy comments, and almost never sounding like the ads I was posting. So I decided to join as many “work at home” internet business groups on Facebook as I could and just started messaging people, getting to know them, and having a real conversation instead of just pitching my thing.

The takeaway here is to BE YOURSELF. Its something I learned during my 18 years of call center customer service/sales/telemarketing experience. Even when there was a “script” for me to read I understood it was my job to breath life into it and the only way I could do that was to be my fun loving happy self while doing so.

Its always an honor to be nominated for an award trophy statue medallion on a Gold Chain that will collect dust

Award Season: The Grammy’s, the whammy’s, the double whammy’s, the slammy’s, the Oscars, the Fred’s, Benny’s, Tony’s, SAG awards, Saggy awards, Baggy Pants awards, people choice awards, people hated this awards, The Emmy’s, The kimmy’s, and world wide wrestling championship have a lot in common:

 

They like themselves a lot, they suck all the oxygen known to man, (and other intelligent beings)  insist you care about who was nominated, barrage you with who wore what, who flubbed their acceptance speech, who did what, what happened when, and take up precious TV channel space and time  where a reasonably not so old episode of Matlock could have been aired. I mean C’mon! How am I supposed to find out if indeed Matlock can successfully defend Mrs. Doubtfire against charges of stealing The First Baptist’s Church’s Pastor’s wifes hat?? 

All Red Carpets DO NOT lead somewhere wonderful. Miley, Bieber, Kanye,  Chris Brown, and who knows next will make certain of that. As if the Red Carpet was not already littered with the jagged metal and broken glass of Paparazzi, Fashion trolls, Talking heads, twitter ninja’s, Instagram Warriors,   and what ever manner of fresh hell can be found along the way.

Here’s an idea: How about we celebrate nurses, Firefighters, Police Officers, EMT personnel, Food Pantry volunteers, Child protective Service workers, Teachers, Humane society helpers, Soldiers, and real people who made real contributions to the world being a better place?? Such a celebration and award show would certainly be a billion times more worthy of our attention, TV time, twitter feeds, and media attention.

Once Upon A Zombie

Image via CrunchBase

[a article of great creative interest by rocket tattoo ]

Orlando Florida

Troubled news from the Magic Kingdom today as the truly horrific images were finally revealed for all to see. CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and even Ron Burgundy himself called for a moratorium on the limit of ghastly video, images, and assorted camera phone pictures were flooding the internet. Facebook, Instagram, Flicker, Google, and Twitter all vowed to pull any and all disturbing images from their databases.

As far as anyone can tell the imagineers at Disney/Buena Vista International finally went too far with taking “dramatic liberties” with Fairy tale characters, their own characters, and several episodes of “the walking dead”. “Through the Magic Of Disney” Beloved characters apparently were bitten, scratched, clawed, chewed, eaten and even further infected by a hoard of ruthless celluloid and digital animation eating Zombies.

The scene is so indescribably horrific that words just really cannot describe the cartoon suffering. Special agent Goofy of the Magic Kingdom Security Division was forced to break his deep cover as a long term Disney character in order to bring the grim news to the media. According to the Special Agent the madness broke out during a speaker phone conversation with The heads at ABC studios. As far as they can tell, despite the confusion of including beloved Disney Characters into the already head spinning enigma of a television show that is “Once Upon A Time” there was excitement, further eagerness, and willingness to include even more of their properties (Marvel, Star Wars, ect) into their fairy tale based show.

Little did they know that while they were having their conversation that Mickey Mouse once again (despite all the security protocols Disney had put in place) had been making Dark Disney magic while wearing the very same Sorcerers hat he wore in the movie Fantasia. It seems that there was no way Mickey could even begin to realize the ramifications of doing so after just watching a 4 hour block of “The Walking Dead” on Netflix.

Disney security, a celluloid and digital animation recovery unit, and some people dressed like keystone Cops have been deputized by Special Agent Goofy himself to help contain the Zombie virus. He would only say about the process that “Nothing shakes you to the core more than having to give Dumbo the elephant a head-shot to end his suffering”. Everything else, the entire Disney property, golf courses, people mover, Epcot, and even any images is being blacked out to the media in respect for the Families of the affected Disney Characters.

[ Rocket tattoo is a artist, thinker, blogger, comedian, happily married weirdo, and makes money online here: http://bit.ly/1acxCAp ]

And then The Jabberwocky took over

Life: never mind being handed lemons and being expected to make lemonade. I prefer to see life as a test of how well you would make it as a circus clown being shot out of a completely ridiculous circus cannon that is more capable of shooting confetti, cream pies, and sparkly poodles than say: clowns.

God is most certainly is a comedian and the joke is is on me, you and your uncle Ed. I am a huge Looney Tune cartoon fan and there are these older ones that are produced by Tex Avery that just blow my freaking mind. Cartoon world is crazy enough as it is (I personally recommend Sponge Bob as a reference), but when Tex Avery took over all bets were off. Tex made absolutely certain you strapped yourself in because the ride was going to be like no other. My theory here is that Tex must have felt the same way about how nutty, crazy, and out of control life can be.

We have the nerve to honestly believe that a car ride across the desert is only and exactly that: a drive across the desert. Hey buddy! (smacks face to wake desert driver up) watch out for the anvils made by Acme! And yes, if you look carefully they are indeed being dropped in your path by a cartoon Coyote. Tunnel up a head? Great! That means that the fresh paint on the side of the rock stuck and the damage to your desert driving vehicle is NOT covered by car insurance provider X. (it is however covered by ACME insurance and you had no idea to opt into the Fake Tunnel damage waiver) Feet planted firmly on the ground? Future’s so bright you gotta wear shades? Don’t look now some rascally rabbit just painted a hole beneath you! Hope you packed a parachute! Its a looooooong way down.

The point I am trying to make here is life is a joke. The quicker you figure that out and start packing your seltzer bottle, anvil catapult, fake tunnel paint remover, black paint hole maker, carry a gun that shoots a flag that says: BANG!, and learn to set your mind to a place where circus cannons that have shown absolutely no ability to shoot anything heavier than a marshmallow will INDEED shoot your ***** pound body across the room then your trip is doomed.

Pardon me, I am expected to be shot out next. I certainly hope the cream pie I am diving into is blueberry, Its my favorite.

Do something Human now because the future is lousy with Robots

Somewhere In Japan, China, Euro-Disney, Silicon Valley California, a un-disclosed Mythbusters bunker, and the lab of Howard Wolowitz, there is a sinister plot to make humans more like machines, and machines more human. 

Please count me fully annoyed because I have not trusted anything that even remotely looks, sounds, and even tastes (a story I don’t wish to share) like artificial intelligence since my buddy and I had the hair brained idea to allow our furby’s be in the same room at the same time. 

Furby’s learn what you teach them, then learn on their own, and if they are ever given the opportunity to be in the same vicinity of another furby, they speak furbish (yes this is real) to each other and then teach each other what they have learned. I can tell you the experience is eerie and that’s an understatement. It makes you feel like you need a old priest and young priest, and that not even an exorcism will be remotely helpful.

I just bought my first “smart” phone. Just how “smart” is it? Sure, I love the touch screen features, Gmail app, calendar, Twitter updates, camera, pocket knife, wine cork screw, and fingernail clipper but when I am looking at it, (constantly) is it in turn constantly watching me? A camera/video phone with internet features? Sounds suspicious to me, maybe we all owe Anthony wiener an apology and should be blaming the phone. 

Machines are everywhere anymore. Rumba wants to vacuum your floor and bug your house on behalf of the NSA. The grocery self check out wants to have a full out conversation with you, but seems to have a condescending tone that you bought those donuts. Get out of my face machine scan lady (who do they have such icy, snotty female voices?) I will buy yellow cupcakes and M&M’s at the same dang time and I don’t owe you any explanations.

Haley Joel Osment once portrayed a artificial intelligent Robot with a great future in artificially intelligent acne and robotic mood swings. It’s a good thing the younger Mr. Osment was already robot like it made watching the movie that much more horrible. 

While the rest of the world deposits checks by snapping pictures of them, and are watched by Skynet I think I will take my refuge at the airport and get a full body scan.

Apparently people seem to prefer their leaders (and monsters/aliens) spitting, snarling, yelling, and in dire need of deep psychotherapy.

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

:Warning may contain nerdy references to nerdy stuff :

Oh hello Leonidas, leader of the 300 (spit included) !SPARTA! Half naked (gosh that must be cold) warriors. You have a visitor from the Persian empire. I have heard of being kicked to the curb but do you have a habit kicking all your UN-welcomed guests into a well??

Spider Man’s dead uncle says with great power comes great responsibility. If you missed him saying it at least 3 times in the original Tobey Maguire version the people at Marvel Comics and Disney (who owns Marvel) were kind enough to repeat the phrase again a few more times in the next movie (again with Tobey Maguire).

What good old (and dead) Uncle Ben forget to mention was people (separately and in groups) seem to take you more seriously if your yelling, screaming, spitting, snarling, and have veins popping out of your neck and head. In other words all the stress anxiety filled behavior your cardiologist warned you against.

I have drawing, doodling, painting, coloring and creating for as long as I can remember. I have a online art gallery, and actually have shown some of my art work at a few local gallery’s. Most of my subject matter is inspired by comic books, aliens, monsters, and robots (big surprise huh?). My mom asked me one time why 90% of the aliens and monsters I draw are spitting and snarling. Well Gee mom, friendly monsters and aliens are a nice idea and such with the whole saving the world, kumbaya people holding hands, figuring old cold fusion, tree hugging, xenomorph sole kissing happiness and everything but spitting, snarling monsters and aliens with anger management issues are just plain cool.

Lets just be honest for a moment, your watching your favorite sports team. If the your team is stinking up whatever playing field they play on, do you really want the coach to give everyone on the team a hug, call them over for “soul palates”, have them hold hands and click their heels, burn scented candles, or sing a 80’s big hair power ballad to them on a karaoke machine? Absolutely NOT! You seriously expect the coach to yell, scream, look like he’s about to pop his top, spit, snarl, and yell loving hatred at them. The visit to the cardiologist and psychotherapist can wait for now, we have points to get on the board to get. Bragging rights at church and work are hanging in the balance here dang it.

Peter Parker (and Tobey Macguire) was a nice guy dork who got bullied, Spider Man was a nice guy dork with great powers (you say the rest I can’t take it any more), but Venom was Spider Man’s darker alien infused, spitting, snarling, cooler anger management weirdo doppelganger self. People paid attention to him, he was stinky, nasty, and would have made a great sports coach, half naked warrior leader, and a great candidate for psychotherapy. He will just have wait in line with Bobby Night, The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Charlie Sheen, Leather Face, The predator, The Terminator, and Sam Kinison.