All this blog Needs is a Buzz Phrase

Act Now and in 38000 easy payments (that’s less than a cost of a cup of coffee folks) these scrubbing bubbles with activate the activated charcoal along with these scientifically proven moisture pockets residing within the patented vortex wind funnel cleaning wand.

That sure got your attention Huh? Wow that was exciting! I could just picture myself wet-dry cleaning an elephant and even the elephant’s wrinkles would be squeaky clean. Finally! Heck knows even elephants deserve clean wrinkles.

Everywhere I look it seems there are MADMEN creating brilliantly annoying advertising campaign’s just lousy with buzz phrases. (Or is that lousy advertising with annoying buzz phrases??) Only in commercials do we find out that Bounty is the quicker picker upper (I would hate to see it be the slower, I will get that tomorrow, non-picker downer), Gerber’s baby food has Comfort Proteins, Zip lock bags have snap and fresh seal technology, Fresh Step Cat Litter has activated freshness molecules, and further learn that it only takes wearing a lab coat and a buzz phrase and voila! I can convince you that super-duper smart scientists worked around the clock (with no bathroom break mind you) to create this thigamabob that makes your life complete.

I have some burning questions: Is secret really strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? And will a man blow up into a bazillion little pieces if he wears it any way? Is Irish Spring made in Ireland? Are the thoughts of a dead turkey wrapped in Reynolds wrap protected against Alien thought invasion? Are Colgate cleaning molecules treated differently at the local bar as opposed to regular molecules? Are flavor pockets related to Flavor Flav? (yeeeeeeeee boy) and just what exactly is dry weave technology?

I am beginning to suspect the writers who used to create the techno-babble heard in a Star Trek episode now make up buzz phrases heard in commercials. Maybe if I employ the interlocking viral blog packets then its slightly possible fiber optic cyber freshness seal molecules will dry weave a nice cardigan sweater for me.

Bad celebrity/noteworthy people choices:

English: Arnold Schwarzenegger in July 2003 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Being on a Boat with Robert Wagner
Being in a car With Ted Kennedy
Being on a plane with Buddy Holly
Being on top of the Empire State Building with King Kong
Being on Mars with Arnold Schwarzenegger
Baby sitting in late 1970’s suburbia with Jamie Lee Curtis
Being on a distant moon filled with Xenomorphic aliens with Paul Reiser
Being a entertainer sharing the same video music award stage with Miley Cyrus
Being the Warner Brothers executive responsible for choosing Ben Affleck as the new Batman
Being in any movie of any kind with Steven Segal
taking a taxi ride to pretty much anywhere with a Mohawk clad Robert De Niro
Being the guy on a landing party with red shirt on Star Trek
Being in a pit of molten Carbonite with Han Solo

Calling all no name actors

 

I recently read on the internet that Warner Brothers is wanting to do a remake/reboot of “The Island Of Dr. Moreau” . I quickly posted on Facebook that I would not mind a remake since the previous incarnations were lackluster at best. I personally feel a slick/dark “Contagion” meets “Jurassic Park” meets “The Walking Dead” horror/thriller that scares the crap out of audiences while keeping them on the edge of their seat would be a welcomed version of the H.G Wells classic. Unfortunately it seems the project is attached to Leonardo Dicaprio and Jennifer Davisson Killoran.

I say unfortunately because I have no idea if this means big names starring in a big lavish production that means well but misses the opportunity to really harness the potential unseen spooky/horror/thriller bite the project/movie could really have. Already I am scared its going to be a big trussed up boat going no where (need I remind everyone of the ham handed “Prometheus”??) because its being described as a Sci-Fi film with a topical ecological message. Ugh.. I already can see the save the earth, tree hugging everyone in the theater please hold hands and sing kumbaya overkill.

Not its not an important message to save the earth but I cant say enough how I would much rather see a movie that pulls on the same paranoia strings that Contagion and Jurassic Park does allowing the belief that this could really happen and its coming after you.. like now.

Can I point out to well meaning Hollywood studios that a lot can be learned from movies like “The Blair Witch Project”, The Original “Alien”, “The Descent”, “Night Of The Living Dead” and a gaggle of other movies that was made on a shoe string budget with no name actors? Sometimes less is more folks.

Apparently even weirdo Geeks can receive The Golden Goose Award

The Golden Goose Award

Be careful what you write, it may come back and tap you on the shoulder, whack you on the head, and pat you on the back. One of my favorite blogs The Grimm Report opened up their blog for submissions and they not only did they accept my submission , but they must have gone temporarily insane, posted it, and then proceeded to give me an award for my effort.

It’s really not for me to speak out of turn about what prescription medication the folks at The Grimm Report may be taking or what medication they should be taking instead but I guess I should go ahead and give an acceptance speech:

“By the power of Voltron, The Power Puff Girls, Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a Spider can, Iron Man, and in honor of all aliens, monsters, nerds, geeks, costumed cosplayers, weirdo’s, and dorks I do humbly accept and gratefully thank the People at The Grimm Report for the Golden Goose Award.

Apparently people seem to prefer their leaders (and monsters/aliens) spitting, snarling, yelling, and in dire need of deep psychotherapy.

AAAAAAAH !! !SPARTA!

:Warning may contain nerdy references to nerdy stuff :

Oh hello Leonidas, leader of the 300 (spit included) !SPARTA! Half naked (gosh that must be cold) warriors. You have a visitor from the Persian empire. I have heard of being kicked to the curb but do you have a habit kicking all your UN-welcomed guests into a well??

Spider Man’s dead uncle says with great power comes great responsibility. If you missed him saying it at least 3 times in the original Tobey Maguire version the people at Marvel Comics and Disney (who owns Marvel) were kind enough to repeat the phrase again a few more times in the next movie (again with Tobey Maguire).

What good old (and dead) Uncle Ben forget to mention was people (separately and in groups) seem to take you more seriously if your yelling, screaming, spitting, snarling, and have veins popping out of your neck and head. In other words all the stress anxiety filled behavior your cardiologist warned you against.

I have drawing, doodling, painting, coloring and creating for as long as I can remember. I have a online art gallery, and actually have shown some of my art work at a few local gallery’s. Most of my subject matter is inspired by comic books, aliens, monsters, and robots (big surprise huh?). My mom asked me one time why 90% of the aliens and monsters I draw are spitting and snarling. Well Gee mom, friendly monsters and aliens are a nice idea and such with the whole saving the world, kumbaya people holding hands, figuring old cold fusion, tree hugging, xenomorph sole kissing happiness and everything but spitting, snarling monsters and aliens with anger management issues are just plain cool.

Lets just be honest for a moment, your watching your favorite sports team. If the your team is stinking up whatever playing field they play on, do you really want the coach to give everyone on the team a hug, call them over for “soul palates”, have them hold hands and click their heels, burn scented candles, or sing a 80’s big hair power ballad to them on a karaoke machine? Absolutely NOT! You seriously expect the coach to yell, scream, look like he’s about to pop his top, spit, snarl, and yell loving hatred at them. The visit to the cardiologist and psychotherapist can wait for now, we have points to get on the board to get. Bragging rights at church and work are hanging in the balance here dang it.

Peter Parker (and Tobey Macguire) was a nice guy dork who got bullied, Spider Man was a nice guy dork with great powers (you say the rest I can’t take it any more), but Venom was Spider Man’s darker alien infused, spitting, snarling, cooler anger management weirdo doppelganger self. People paid attention to him, he was stinky, nasty, and would have made a great sports coach, half naked warrior leader, and a great candidate for psychotherapy. He will just have wait in line with Bobby Night, The Incredible Hulk, Wolverine, Charlie Sheen, Leather Face, The predator, The Terminator, and Sam Kinison.

Don’t look now, the Government is watching you watch a movie about the Government watching you

Open lap top, open a internet browser window, get a pop up. Pop up has a virus hoping to access your webcam. Right click.. get a message about adult diapers. You just sent a email joking about adult diapers and now every time you go to look at your email account there is a advertisement with a balding man looking ashamed he has to wear adult diapers. You click a picture of Edward Snowden and 10 days later your being audited by the IRS. You go to Yahoo movies, click on showtime’s for movies. A bush rustles near your kitchen window. You decide to see: “Closed Circuit” with Eric Bana. Its a “fictional thriller” about people being watched by the government. Your feeling overly paranoid so you try to choose between wearing your favorite tinfoil hat or the entire tinfoil suit you made one Saturday afternoon. GPS off, black masking tape over webcam, and you put on your NON squeaky shoes. Check,and check, you see a man across the street who looks like Tommy Lee Jones as a MIB. That is his happy face, the Government just admitted area 51 really does exist and he no longer has to be a personal body guard to a slimy alien. Now where did you put those sunglasses you DIY’d into a pair of night vision goggles???

Confessions

When I was younger a local lady in the neighborhood told me she had a baby in her belly. I went around telling people she ate her baby.

When Marcia Brady was hit in the face with a football I was indeed rooting for the football

I did not actually switch to Tide Coldwater like I told the lady in the elevator I did the other day

The entry: “Warrior Ninja Master Of Disguise” on my Linkedin profile is not true. I only added it to impress my Karate master.

I did so yeah huh win the go-fish, scrabble, Star Trek hide and seek tournament held at Tommy Franklin’s house back in 77. Yeah huh times infinity

Purple is NOT my favorite color, blue is, and I am glad I finally got that off my chest

At night I am working on a laser beam that tuns lady bugs into not-so-lady bugs who are strangely attracted to light bulbs painted red

Say What?

Mel Blanc in 1976 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I like voices, accents, and have a bit of a interest in how people sound. Cartoon characters and their crazy voices really perked my interest even further. I remember growing up and seeing an American Express commercial with Mel Blanc. He was doing all my favorite Looney Tunes characters, and it just blew my mind when I finally realized he was responsible for giving life and voice to each and every one of the Looney Tune characters. Add the fact that call center work and my own voice has been my bread and butter for 18 years now I finally took the hint at being told the umpteenth time that I have a “radio voice” and have tried (emphasis on tried) my hand at doing some voice over acting.

I found this interesting video that dramatizes what people speaking English sound like to those who don’t. Being a amateur comedian I have done my share of “Fake accents” and somewhat convincing southern, British, French?, and assorted other accents and voices. I also have included “Crazy Commercials” voiced, and produced by me. (aka Midnight Pizza Productions) All the voices in “Crazy Commercials” are done by me. I hope you enjoy you blogging bloggers.. have a great day and don’t forget to leave a comment. 🙂